Aww thanks ladies
It helps so much to hear that other people feel the same. Some days I cope well with it, I know just what to say to those inner voices that doubt myself, but mothers day weekend is always so difficult. She usually falls out with me a few weeks beforehand, knowing I'll feel obliged to go to her house on mother's day, ie make the first move. I always manage to find a card with a blank message, but this year I misread the card and when I opened the cellophane wrapper, it said "thanks for all you do". I was so cross with myself and there was no time to get another if I wanted to put it in the post.
The hardest part is that the rest of my family stopped speaking to me when I refused to budge on the decision about who was going to give me away. I'm proud that I stuck up for myself but she made life very difficult and encouraged the rest of the family to do the same, largely by twisting things I had said to cast me in a bad light. I was disappointed they believed her, they have all had some trouble with her over the years and her other sister hasn't spoken to her since 1983.
I didn't have a very large family anyway, basically my mother's younger sister and her family. The problem is, both of their parents (ie my grandparents) are dead, both at a relatively young age. My aunt has lived with her parents being dead for most of her adult life, and when her mother was alive, she gave her a pretty rough time. Of course now, they are all full of regret about the way they treated my grandmother and wish they could turn back the clock. So from this, they feel I ought to value my mother and let the past lie.
I've tried to do that, so much counselling to try to do it, but it just doesn't work. I just don't like her. I feel their issues about their own mother have nothing to do with the problems I've had with mine.
I think she does play on the guilt. Last mothers day I was at her house giving her the obligatory card and bouquet when my aunt rang. It was obvious from the conversation they were having that my aunt had rang to say "So, did she bother with you today then?" as my mother was answering "Yes, she's here actually". My aunt says (through my mother) that if I can try to get on better with her (basically agree to all her demands to be close friends with my mother) then I can also resume my relationship with the rest of the family.
I've thought hard about her relationship with my baby. My basic feeling is that no matter what she's done to me, I shouldn't deny my child the right to see it's grandmother, and I suppose I shouldn't deny her either. I understand the point you make about sometimes people are better with their grandchildren than their children, someone else said that to me and I took it into consideration. I do have a problem, though with the rest of the family having a relationship with my child when they don't want a relationship with me. They openly slag me off (my younger sister told me) so they would presumably do the same in front of my child. I think they give up the right to my child when they decide I have to give in to their demands "or else".
Also, my mother really wants to be involved in all the pre-baby stuff. She wants me to take time off work and go shopping with her. I can't think of anything more stressful and to be honest, it's not how I want to use my annual leave. As she has no friends, she wants to be at my house every weekend ideally, as she has lots of time to fill. She keeps going shopping and presenting me with large bags of clothes, which I suppose is nice, but she's also recently started trying to buy nursery bedding, which kind of inadvertently chooses the colour scheme. It's my first baby and I want the pleasure of doing that for myself really.
I must admit, the babysitting would be very handy, but it's not a good enough reason for me, and I don't want to "use" her in this way.
Sigh. It's so difficult. I haven't heard from her in about three weeks, I just know she's been round my aunt's house telling her I haven't been in touch and boo hoo, she's bought me all this stuff.
By the way, when she was a child she used to faint to get attention. She also scares off every man she ever met through wanting overnight commitment and becoming insanely jealous of anyone else they speak to. What the hell is wrong with her? Will she damage my baby with her twisted view of the world? Will our on-off relationship affect the child or will I have to maintain an "on" relationship for the baby's sake? I'm not sure I can take the stress.