Why am I so horrible to my DH?

[BEAUTlFUL]

My DH isn't perfect, but he's the man I love, we have 2 gorgeous DC and he does everything I ask him to do. Yet, every 3 or 4 months I start instigating arguments with him, about his various failings.

I'm far from perfect but in these arguments you'd think I was Mother Theresa -- it's always about how great I am and how crap he is.

I'm horribly insecure and I think that's the root cause -- I expect him to leave me, so it's almost like I'm forcing it to happen. I'm v jealous, paranoid, and obsessed with him! I micro-manage, can't get him out of my head, worry... argh. It's exhausting, and obviously brings out the worst in me. With everyone else I'm light and breezy and self-confident, but with him, eek. It's because I think he is gorgeous. I'm mad about him and secretly think he's too good for me. (On paper he's not, but I love him to bits & dislike myself.)

What can I do? He is patient, but it's as if I demolish our marriage every few months then have to scrabble to rebuild it.

Would therapy help me? Please be gentle!

You're all so reassuring. Thanks! I was bracing myself for a lot of virtual slaps!

Yes, I have a career and outside interests, but I work froim home now so I do miss a lot of perspective. When I worked in offices, I used to think, "God, at least I'm not married to her horrible husband" a lot, and of course it gave me a reason to get more glammed-up, etc.

I do tend to make relationships my focus when I'm in them -- to the extent that I prefer to be single, tbh, as it is a relief!

All this I sippose I can work on with a therapist...

Not to be patronising, but you have already made a start in realising that there is a problem - that's huge

Hi Beautiful

God it all sounds so familiar, my DP is quiet too, until pushed to his limit! I have the implanon contraceptive implant in my arm and I can honestly say that that combined with the counselling have made a huge difference. I think that all the posts have been great, and if you realise what you are doing and why then that is at least a step in the right direction.

I also as soon as I have made DP lose his temper and say something horrible to me, then I am like, ok that's ok now (what planet am I on), so I am awful and he hates me just like I thought, and I also then feel calm. But before that I am raging, furious until I get the reaction I want - eek, like you say bonkers.

I would say though that these incidents are much rarer since the above stuff and I feel better about myself for being able to control the temper and walk away.

Its odd isnt it, what we do in order to perpetuate patterns ie you are comfortable being shouted at because that was what was normal for you as a child, and so you'll do anything to provoke DP to treat you the same way.
This makes me so determined to give DD a consistent, loving upbringing so she doesn't grow up insecure, as I think I did.

Hi Beautiful

Your post could have been written by me - in fact, I did write something similiar a couple of weeks ago when I was having one of my crazy fits and things were pretty bad between dp and me. Just like you, I feel that we almost should be arguing, that by being foul to him, he will either a) stay with me to show how much he loves me or b) leave me in which case I can wallow in self pity and say to myself "I told you so!". We're therefore in this no win situation, which, at this period free time of the month (its so much worse when I've got PMT)I can talk about quite rationally, in quite a detached manner. Yet, in a few weeks, I hate to say, it may start all again!

I have no reason to be insecure - I've got a good job with prospects, good education, and am content with the way I look. But - there is always this nagging feeling that dp will leave and that I'm not good enough? I can't really 'blame' it on my family - loving parents, although not overly tactile, I never doubted they were there for me - so not sure where it stems from. The only thing I can think of, is a horrendously crap relationship when I was 15 - 18, with a complete idiot who was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. However, I'd like to think that 15 years on, I'm over it!

As I've said before, I'm content with how I look, and am never at a shortage of male attention when I go out with the girls. However, it doesn't stop me from thinking deep down, that dp just 'might' meet someone else and fall in love. Tbh, he's such a nice bloke I honestly believe that he'd never lie to me and have an affair, but I can't 100% convince myself that he might meet someone else prettier, cleverer, better sense of humour................ Let me know how you get on with the therapy!

Oh dear, you sound like me.
I posted on here about something horrible and was told in no uncertain terms to get help!
I am currently on the waiting list to see a psychologist and they think it is the low self esteem.
Its a horrible way to live, no real advice, just wanted to let you know your not alone.

thank you!

it really helps to hear that other women do this too. I'm sorry that you do, IYKWIM, but really thought I was the only one! I imagined the rest of you being loving and understanding and stable all the time. I really, really thought I was the only one.

Do you lot also get jealous? I seem to have a rotating list of women i think DH might prefer to me. The slightest thing they have in common throws me into torment. Last week, we had friends round and one of the women said she liked Sprouts. DH said, "So do I!" and i went into despair, imagining them spending blissful evenings together, tucking into bowls of brussels sprouts...

Anyone else do this kind of thing? PLEASE say you do!

Oh, i forgot to say: last night I followed your advice and chatted to him. i apologised for the rows, said I wanted to change it, and told him i've booked an appointment to see GP for referral to therapy.

I wasn't all "God, i'm shit, i'm horrible, I'm the worst wife ever" etc (like i can often be after one of these rows), I was calm and quite rational for me! It REALLY helped; DH was lovely, really really understanding and warm and supportive.

Normally I'm not that honest with him, as I think I felt I had to try to keep up a facade of being "fine", but it was surprisingly calming to be so open and down to earth. He actually thanked me after the conversation!

Lol at bowls of sprouts, but yes, I know exactly what you mean.
DP said to me the other day that I always think that he is looking for someone/something else other than me, which I suppose sums up how I feel most of the time.

Im also pretty obsessed by him and think about him constantly and that he spends his day fending off (or worse not) beautiful women etc etc.

I know its all irrational, but generally thats how I live my life at the moment.

I posted on here a while ago about a horrific series of rows we've had, where he lost his temper & called me horrible names and threw a bag of clothes at me. It's funny, I'm starting to realise that he only gets like this when i'm pushing-pushing-pushing at him, trying to get a reaction. Or when i'm being "cool" on purpose - pretending he doesn't mean as much to me as he really does.

i'm so pleased i posted on here & got the impetus to seek help. I really think it could break the cycle and help us settle into our marriage. Or of course he'll find me v boring and start looking for someone else more dramatic... argh...

LilacClaire, I'm exactly the same! Completely irrational. We should trust them, and believe that they knew what they wanted when they met us. But i keep finding other women that I secretly think would make him happier.

Also, when I get a fit of jealousy, I immediately withdraw. i pretend i'm fine but can't stay in the same room. DH NEVER EVER FLIRTS, really he doesn't, i'm much flirtier/friendlier as a person than he is, but all he has to do is TALK to some woman and i get morose. it's awful... I have spent parties running away from him just because he had a chat with a woman.

Its crazy isn't it, I have been behaving a bit better since my refferal, but the waiting list is between 6 - 9 months , but it has been creeping back... !

Good luck with your refferal and remember you are most definetly NOT on your own x

6-9 months seems excessive... Could you badger them a bit? Make it all sound a bit heavier than it is? Describe how it is actively affecting your life, your relationship, and potentially (this is laying it on a bit thick) the security of your children?

In the meantime, have you tried natural remedies like St John's wort? That is good for mild depression. when i remember to take it, I do feel better. it doesn't stop bthe thoughts popping up, but does stop you acting on them.

Or, you can do Cognitive Behavioual Therapy online... search for it. There are free courses. (I started one last week in a rare period of rational calm.)

god, listen to me! I am in no position to advise other people!