scared of dh and not for the first time

[pinup]

right, here goes. am regular poster but have namechanged for this (hopefully). and its long, sorry.

dh and i married for two years, have had some real humdinger rows but am worried there is now dh violence brewing

since i went on maternity leave a year ago we have had some issues regarding him as sole breadwinner, some of which has been my difficulty adjusting to not having my own income and being reliant on dh who lets say is rather LAVISH with his cash where i am more "save for a rainy day"

he spends and spend and spends on me on dc and dsc, and an awful lot on toys and gew gaws for himself (which has been fine in the past as he has always had a big salary to fall back on, however this won't be the case come jan 09 however as he has jacked in his job and started up his own business).

me and dc don't really need anything and I tell him this all the time, but still he spends. however when we argue he always brings up how much he gives to me and dc and how I am so ungrateful and everyone thinks I am so lucky to have him. its got to the point where I am reluctant to receive anything from him as i know it will be thrown in my face a week or so down the line.

anyway, this evening it transpires that he has lent 64k to an ex colleague. an ex colleague who he has been close to in the past but has now fallen out with. and who has only paid him back half the money.

i was angry with him, not mad crazy shouty angry as I was so enraged that I couldnt bring myself to raise my voice. more of a slow simmering rage. dh, obviously on the defensive, retaliated with how ungrateful I was and he makes sure me and dc want for nothing. he walked out to have a fag and I went to check dc were still asleep.

I was upstairs leaning over dc's cot when I heard the door slam hard right underneath dc's room. I heard him muttering to himself and racing round the house trying to find me before i heard him on the stairs. he saw i was in with dc and waited for me outside. when I got outside he put his face really close to mine and started snarling about how I was so ungrateful, I just looked at the floor hoping he wouldnt wake dc. and then he pushed me hard with his forefingers backwards by the shoulders. I tried to walk past him and he did it again, and followed me into the bedroom snarling about how i should look around as I have so much and I should be grateful.

I was terrified he might have really gone loopy this time and it has reminded me of an argument when I was heavily pregnant and he raised his fist to me right in my face. he didnt hit me then but I have a feeling he just about stopped himself before walking away. i had sort of buried it in my brain till now I think. I was so vulnerable at the time think I locked it away and tried to forget.

basically I fear that next time he might actually hit me. and i fear that i might let him iyswim

this is also not the first time he has withheld the truth from me regarding money, and I fear that if he is not careful we will end up with nothing - his previous marriage disintegrated due to a business venture he started and lost everything on. he couldnt afford to feed exw and dss, didnt pay rent etc. she moved to her mums with dss and never came back

what should i do? if I leave him me and dc will be destitute, but we may be destitute staying anyway?

and I don't want to end up being hit. he has worn me down verbally arguing, I don't want it to be physical too

the tenancy is in your name , therefore if you want him to leave he must comply or you can ring the police.

it means everything

everything -you have the home

you have the power

you have the tenancy.

what would he do if you got a job?

Leave. Leave now. Before it is too late. If he is capable if doing this to you he is capable of doing it to a child.

Sorry if that seems dramatic but I feel very strongly about domestic violence because of personal experience.

Dh has a temper but he knows if he raised a hand to me or my children it would be the last thing he ever did and vents his anger by ounching walls. He is currently looking into counselling.

custy if he got an inkling i was going for a job he would do his best to discourage me. he can be very manipulative and would probably use dc and leaving her at nursery as a way of making me feel too guilty to get a job.

if that didnt work I expect he would just let me know that he is very disappointed

it would be real struggle, not impossible but a struggle. i have no family nearby and no close friends here either.

if I am going to leave him i would return to my home town 60 miles away so if i had a job here i would have to leave it.

having my own money again is tempting me tho..

He is trying to control so that you feel like you have nothing but him and can't leave him. When he is sure that you are completely 100% reliant on him and no one else he will start hitting you and your kids if they don't look upto him like he is some sort of god.

Why do have no friends near you? Did you have friends/live closer to family before you met him? Its very telling if was his idea to move away/stop you seeing friends.

i lived in london before i met him, met him at work and moved here to be with him and i am ashamed to say lost contact with most of my old mates. most of our friends were thru work and then i left work to have dc and stopped seeing them. i have friendswho are other mums here but no one i feel i can talk honestly with

the more i write the more things are becoming clearer you know. i sound like a cliche of a completely dependent wife!

i have to leave this man

Yes you have to leave him. He sounds like the classic violent, controlling man.

You deserve so much better than that and so do your children. It will be your children who suffer the most if you stay with him. Even if he does not raise his hand to them they will still see and hear what he does to you.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Its about controlling men and these men are often angry men to boot. Your H is controlling and he fits that abusive profile.

He is using all the usual methods employed by such men to keep you in line (not letting you get a job for instance, isloating you from your support network of family and friends to name but two behaviours). He does not want you to have a life of your own and will not permit you to have a life of your own.

If you plan to leave you will need a defintive plan of escape before you leave. Controlling men do not let go of their victims very easily.

This is all about power and control - he wants complete power and control over you and by turn your child.

I would think his ex wife left him for these very reasons if you were to ask her, it likely wasn't just due to his failed business venture. It seems that he is replicating the same behaviours with you this time around - what also makes him think a business venture will succeed this time when the last one he had did not?.

I do not advocate leaving but both you and your child will be damged further emotionally by this man if you were to stay. Your child will also learn some damaging lessons and could even go on to choose someone controlling for a man herself becuase this is what Mummy did.

Better to be poor and happy than to be fearful and becoming accustomed to receiving verbal violence.

I do not advocate leaving lightly (that particular word should have been in my last post, am sorry for the omission) at all but in your case you have no choice. It will get worse for you, controlling behaviours like this often escalate in their ferocity.

His controlling nature also likely why his first wife bailed out of their marriage too.

Also these men can be completely and utterly plausible to the outside world so do not blame yourself. It is only when they are behind closed doors and late on into a relationship that their true nature often emerges. The controlling side cannot be hidden forever you see.

he has upset dc in past shouting at me. it terrifies her and she starts screaming and reaching out for me. when all is calm again dh has wondered why she does it and when i have told him that she is upset because he is shouting at mummy he just has a go at me for making him feel bad!!

i have never told anyone that. i have barely admitted it to myself. i could cry reading it back about how i am failing her by staying with him

his first marriage was very volatile to say the least. she is now remarried with more dcs as well as dss. she is a stronger person than me who would not stand for it. i am beginning to admire her!

Pinup, you can be a strong person too!

Thats how domestic violence starts, shouting in your face, a shove here and there and in my case, before you know it he's got his hands round your throat and he's threatening to kill you.

You can be strong, and you have to be strong for your lovely dc's.

If its your name on the rent book (as was my case too) if he ever touches you again phone the police and they will remove him.

I'm lucky, my dd was very young and can't remember what happened, cos I would hate to think she had any memories of what happened between me and ex.

'my money' ???? its not his money - you should be setting up a plan for 'our money' - you are staying at home to raise dc just so that he can work - but you would also have the opportunity to work and contribution towards 'our money' if he allowed you to.

Sounds as though it should be relate, angermanagement and proper setting up of financial side of things (joint account, joint savings that require both signatures, will, life insurance etc.) -ie he takes full responsibility for his familty or you need to leave before things escalate.

Best wishes.

This man has to leave.

IF (big IF) this relationship has ANY future, you do still need to seperate. It is up to him to get help with his anger/personality issues away from you and your DC.

He sounds dangerous and as a daughter of a battered mother, I cannot impress enough what life long damage seeing your mother abused does to you.

Much luck to you.

If your partner is still in any way blaming you for the abuse, then it?s clear that he hasn?t accepted full responsibility for what has happened, and while he?s still saying this, his behaviour is unlikely to change.

"It is up to him to get help with his anger/personality issues away from you and your DC".

I would certainly agree with this point expressed by londontipton.