Do you know the law? I'm separating... I'm from NZ, can I take my baby with me?

[Peanut73]

After 3 years of marriage I don't think I can take anymore.

My husband is London born and bred.

Our beautiful son is 5 months old. He was an amazingly pleasant surprise in an otherwise rocky relationship.

I am a kiwi and all my family is in NZ. I have no friends or family here and our marriage is in it's last throes.

My husband has dozens of friends and a domineering family.

I need to escape this marriage, yet have no one here to run to. I want to go home where I have family. I need my Mum.

Can I do this, or is it against the law? I have nowhere to go and feel so trapped. I don't want our son to never see his dad, but I can't stay in this marriage any longer.

Does anyone know if I can move home with my darling son? I've looked online and can't find any advice.

Please help!

funnily enough, I've heard that before with Canada. Maybe its just them. A bit daft though as what if you are a widow? Do you carry your DH's death certificate around with you. Or what if you conceived with donated sperm, then what? I've travelled so many places with my two eldest chidren (who have a different surname) with no problems. Maybe we'll give Canada a miss though!

beansmum - that's not always true and I echo what others have said about Canada. I frequently take my children to canada without my husband (he joins us later) and the first time I did this (without any sort of letter from him stating that he gave his permission for his children to travel without him and just with me) I was taken to a room and interviewed by Cdn immigration officials - despite having return tickets - Cdn passports for all of us, etc etc. I was made to feel like a criminal. I am in favour or making sure things are legit and stuff, but the Cdns are a bit zealous in this regard.

Hi again. You are all amaaaazing, and have really made me feel so good. Partly just because you answered my plea for help! It's so good to know there's someone out there.

Things are back on track a bit at the moment and we have planned a trip downunder in January together. It's just so rocky I don't know what to expect from one day to the next and feel I need to know what's what for some kind of emergency Plan B IYKWIM.

One thing that did strike me was talking about surnames. I share my husband's surname, as does DS BUT my passport is still in my maiden name so if I was to go abroad with DS we would be travelling with my NZ passport in my maiden name and his UK passport in married name.

Also, do you think it would be best for me to get DS's NZ passport sorted? He is entitled to have dual citizenship and apparently I can organise him an NZ passport from here.

I do think I'm struggling with a bit of PND... DH is so wrapped up in London life and wants to go out all the time, his mother is so totally in love with him in an overbearing, controlling, unhealthy way and competes with me every step of the way, I am at home with my darling 5 month old who is the apple of my eye, and I feel so in love with him, but so empty and like I have no one to relate to.

Hopefully this will all just pass soon. I really don't want to go back to work, but am meeting my boss tomorrow for the first time since I left 5 months ago. Ugh.

Thanks everyone, you have been so amazing.
x

Peanut, it is hard and if you think you have a bit of PND you probably have. I think most women suspect (correctly) when they have it. Do you have friends with babies? Have you met anyone new since you had your DS? Post-natal groups can be very daunting initially but I have found if you are very brave and make the effort you will get to know ladies right away who are pretty much just like you, going through similar stresses and struggles. It is a really nice feeling meeting a new 'mummy' friend that you really get on with and can confide in and lean on for support.

If you are still travelling on your maiden-name I think you should also take a copy of DS's birth certificate with you as his surname will be different to yours. What you can do is get your NZ passport endorsed with your married name, ie the passport is the same but there is a special stamp put in on the 3rd or so page recording your married name so that your travel documents can be issued in your married name. You can do this easily through NZ house in London - I did.

Glad you have a planned trip to NZ to look for that will be a boost for you.

Both our girls have NZ passports as well as UK ones. Just thought they would want them for the future so just cracked on and got it organised. Before you do that, however, you have to register them as a 'citizen by descent' ie through you as a NZ citizen by birth. This is done first but you can send the passport application at the same time and they will process both together. Can't remember now how long it all took but not long and not too expensive if I remember correctly.

Hi peanut,
congrats you have just had a baby so a few hormones lacking about- iam also a little bit in the same boat everytime we have a row i just want to pack it all in dh works in city and is always out but i would say think about all this seriously and try and go out of london or have a friend where you can just go and have me time.
good luck

Hi peanut,
have just been reading a family law update (which I've been meaning to read for a while!) which has a relatively new case which may assist you:
In the case of Re F & H (children) (2007) the Court of Appeal found that the bar was set lower for applications for leave to remove a child permanently from the jurisdiction where there is a cross-border family and the parent with care would be returning to a completely familiar environment. It was even lower where the return would be after only a brief absence: six years here.
Basically therefore, as you are returning to your homeland, your chances of success are highter than if you were a UK citizen wishing to emigrate. Hope this helps. Good luck x

Mumoverseas, where are you reading that from? I'm very interested, because that's what I did "return to my homeland". Can you post me a link.

Liffey, read it on a paper update that I received containing various updates on family law. I'm a lawyer on maternity leave/career break and as I'm overseas at the moment due to DH's work I get stuff posted out to me so I can keep up to date and do my CPD (to keep my practicing certificate). I'm sure if you google it you should find it on a website. I'll have a look in a bit and see if I can find out more and if so I'll let you know

found it

that woman had behavioural difficulties whatever that is??!!!

perhaps i will not forward this to my solicitor.

Aaah, Peanut, just come across this. Can't help you with the legal stuff but am for you that things are such a struggle with DH. I don;t want to stick my nose in too much, but I did find things very difficult after DD1 was born and did seriously contemplate leaving DH (I felt he was not involved with DD, and was more interested in keeping his 'pre-baby' lifestyle). It can only have been more difficult for you with Charlie's prematurity. Any chance you and DH could move further away from his family, if they are part of the problem?
All of us July 08 ladies are here for you!

Thats the one Liffey and Family Law week was where I was going to have a look (but DD playing up!) I subscribe to them and find their info good although the cases are veeerrryyy long-winded and sometimes I've dropped off before I've got to the end. Thats why I like the shorter ones that are posted out to me that sum it up in about 3 lines instead of 3 pages! Hope it is useful for you.

Interesting though Mumoverseas, that despite her mental health issues (to be non-specific) and her involvement with the social services when she was a teenager, she was still allowed to take her children back to her homeland.

That has cheered me, reading that.

Yeah, eight and a half years later that's a really useful post.

ZOMBIE THREAD!!!