would you stay with someone you don't fancy?

[vbadindeed]

dh and i have been together 7 years and for the majority of the last 3 have slept in sepatate rooms. Partly cos of his snoring and also rows and not keen on having sex anyway. sex was never great with him and he hardly shows he's fancies me. Also we row alot and arguments get nasty and dd gets scared. do i stay with him for the good bits (we've already tried counselling - doesn't help us) or leave and try to find happiness with someone else?

its not about fancying him tho

as your previous threads show you really have lots of reasons why you regret being with hoim

asking if ither people would leave or stay is really not aboiut you

and him

and your family

only you and he can decide

and ultimately whether yiu stick with him or leqve is a decision no one can make for you

i mean it is about you and you and him and your family

not any one else

i realy don't have a clue what to do. h and i are just "existing2 in the house together - beinf fairly polite and geting on with things, but there's not chats, effection,etc (my choice). hetried to be nice but i feel it might be too late. And, completely out ot the blue for thelast 2 days he's sent me very suggestive texts - but the way i feel now i just felt it was horrible.Whe i asked why he's sent them he said things can change - i'm not sure they can or if i want them to

Your counsellor is probably right, there is little that can be done to save your marriage because YOU do not really want a marriage where you are both equal. What you want is to be put on a pedestal and treated as if you were made of some rare and fragile material that will break if your husband doesn't do everything YOU want, when YOU, want and how YOU want. The love and respect in marriage is a two way street. You want it all one way- YOUR way. Frankly, I am amazed your husband hasn't already left you. You never, ever stop complaining about him and yet you expect him to show you he loves you/fancies you/stop shouting at you etc, etc, etc.
He deserves better and clearly you can't give him what he deserves and therefore the best thing to do is to allow him the freedom to find someone who loves him for who and what he is and to see if there is anymugone out there who can give you what you want. However, I suspect you will be looking a lot longer than he will!
I suggest you do some serious growing up and stop acting like a spoilt brat child who for once, hasn't got her own way!

WOW

Yes, Kally, I surprised me with that one! All my RL friends tell me that I am the one they come to when they need to talk because they know I will always be sympathetic yet truthful. I have followed VBI's threads for a while now, and there is a definite recurring theme. ie: nothing dh does is ever good enough and she always finds a way to drag any disgreement on for as long as it takes to find the next reason to have a go at him. As someone else said on one of her other threads, VBI asks for help and advice, doesn't take it ( as is her right) but then starts a new thread with yet more slagging off of DH and asks for advice all over again. I know others have commented they are fed up with it, I certainly am so I can only imagine what kind of hell she makes the life of her DH. Unless of course she is a troll employed my MN to get us all ranting when its a slow day on the boards!
Anyway, if she is genuine, I stand by what I said in my post as it was based on a fuller knowledge of her situation than is on this one thread.

VBI - Does the idea of living alone and being independent of your dh make you nervous? Have you ever lived alone and supported yourself emotionally and financially before?

Sayithowitis Are there slow-day-trolls then? Ha ha ha...

Brilliant of you though I must admit, I felt myself shuddering when I read your response 'wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that whipping tongue'... but then you all sussed out OP was a previous poster with same issues... very sad affair though, I don't even know what to say.

I must admit that if you lived alone and supported yourself (incase you never have) might give you a different perspective of what you are capable of alone.

I know I got married at 18, before then lived with Mum/Dad, then lived (26 years) with H of course, and NEVER knew what it was like to live independantly.

Having been divorced for the last 4/5 years, I have learned a lot about myself and 'owned up' to a lot of failings within myself that I couldn't see before. I have grown up (even tho I am in my 50's). Perhaps some time on your own, living an 'unshared' life (with your child of course) would be a time for soul seaching and coming to terms, so to speak. Perhaps you are not the type of person that should co-live... some people just aren't made for it, and do better and are happier when they are independantly living. why make someone else (and yourself) vastly unhappy? Have you thought of giving it a try?

No, life is too short.

sayithowitis

too jugdemental by half- even if you have read other posts.

You don't know this person and on-one knows what a marriage is like apart from the peeps in it.

When people come here they are asking for help- not a sledge hammer across their skulls.

life is too short? It is too short to be miserable and forever discontent. That is how people grow old and sick and make life short.

HF, you are right, I don't know this person or her dh. However, my comments are based on the information I have gleaned from all her posts about her unhappy marriage. In every one of them she is openly stating how unwilling she is to give her dh any chance to succeed as her Dh. As I said, she is constantly asking for, and getting, advice, much of it very practical and good advice, but chooses to ignore it in favour of starting yet more threads asking for yet more advice to ignore. I do not mean to sound unsympathetic, however, I genuinely believe that there has to be a willingness on both sides to repair a floundering marriage and the OP does not give the impression that there is any willingness on her part even if her DH wants to sort things out. As to not knowing what goes on in a marriage, again, you are right, but again, my comments are based on what OP has said in her posts both on this thread and previously. Given that many ( if not most) posters will try to show themselves in their best light, what does that say about someone who is constantly saying that whatever her DH does is not good enough? And she admits he tries to sort things out but she doesn't accept his efforts.
If she genuinely wants advice, fine, but I am beginning to feel that what she really wants is the attention that she feels he is not giving her.

say it-
I don't think anyone can give advice really - we can state our opinions, but that doesn't mean anyone has to do what we suggest. It is for the OP to work out what she wants- maybe it is better just to ignore posts where you feel you are not being listened to, and put your time and energy into working with/talking to people who are wanting to act on advice.

vbadindeed - I thought you had a ds? Mymittens has a ds, not a dd. And counselling? i thought that was only you? not both of you....