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Original poster

Do men who cheat ever change?

53 replies

JaJaBinks · 10/10/2008 08:49

I am getting married soon.

My DP has been married twice before and it is my second marriage too.

In both his previous marriages DP has been unfaithful having one night stands.

DP and I have a wonderful relationship and I trust him 100% but now I'm starting to worry that if he cheated on his other wives then maybe one day he'll do it to me too.

Do men like this ever change? I spoke to DP and he says that he has grown up a lot since then, to be fair it was when he was in his early 20's (mid 30's now).

Am I being naive, will he cheat on me some day too??

OP posts:
IamlovedbyG · 16/02/2016 20:48

This reply has been deleted

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SoThatHappened · 16/02/2016 21:22

cafe, thats just what DP says, that he wasn't with the right person. On the first occasion it was near the very end of the marriage, second time round it was near the beginning before they married.

But he must have felt they were the right person at some point; to be able to marry them.

He has no insight into his ability to be close to someone and instead blames it on the woman.

I don't think either of the first wifes even knew about it

Then you are in deep shit. You wont know either.

LineyReborn · 16/02/2016 21:25

Yuck.

SoThatHappened · 16/02/2016 21:34

In a way I find it worse that the cheating was one night stands.

He would stand a much higher chance of getting caught if it was a full blown affair. But just a ONS....how would you ever know?

Offred · 16/02/2016 22:28

I don't think your question is do men like this ever change it's has your DP changed.

As so said it seems not...

CooPie10 · 16/02/2016 22:36

He was prepared to hurt someone very badly twice. Unfortunately you are not that special. He is a certain 'type' - one that you shouldn't touch with a barge pole.

CooPie10 · 16/02/2016 22:40

Agree with Mq he could have just not told you, at least he has been honest with you about his former cheating

or he could just be letting you know that when it does happen he warned you about what you were getting into and you still chose him.

Alasalas · 16/02/2016 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 16/02/2016 22:52

I wouldn't be somebodies third wife either. Three marriages by your thirties sends a huge red flag.

Regardless of sex, once a cheat always a cheat. You don't suddenly gain morals.

TheNaze73 · 16/02/2016 23:30

Men & women who cheat will never change. I have friends in that camp of both sexes, who instead of confronting the real issues in their relationships (normally the main two, sex & money) go for the short term hit, like a junkie & cheat. I don't think that once your moral compass is knackered, it will ever change

EachandEveryone · 16/02/2016 23:54

I think when they get older say to their mid fifties and beyond they generally do. Either that or they no one else will have them. I know quite Afew in that group who's wives have stuck with them in the hope that they will change and the only thing that changes is that time catches up with them.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2016 07:10

Has he an overwhelming fondness for wedding cake or summat ?

Pantone363 · 17/02/2016 07:20

No

Men who cheat via a ONS don't usually have some noble reason behind it. They either fancy a shag with someone new, never think they'll be caught or can't control themselves when they've been drinking.

Do you really want to spend the next 40 years of your life wondering what your husbands doing when he goes out for the night? To a stag do? Away with the lads?

Fuck that for a laugh

annandale · 17/02/2016 07:23

I don't think people change but their reactions can. You know his reactions to relationship/life trouble used to be to cheat. Maybe that's not the case any more.

Infidelity isn't a deal breaker for me so I would marry him if i really loved him, and I've been married twice so can see how serial relationships happen. But my concern would be that I would end up policing the state of the relationship and constantly questioning his behaviour. If this is going to work you kind of need to forget about it which is going to be bloody hard to do. I actually do question why he told you but will take it that he honestly loves you and wants you to know him.

Pantone363 · 17/02/2016 12:14

Yes this ^. Policing the rest of the relationship. How exhausting

SoThatHappened · 17/02/2016 14:18

The more I think about it....he says he did it because they weren't right for him.

So he feels they were right at some point. Right enough to date, right enough to move in with, right enough to marry.

If he at a later stage realised they weren't right for him, the correct action is to end the relationship and divorce.
But he didnt. He had one night stands without his wives being any the wiser. Then he presumably dumped them for something else? Or did they dump him?

He doesnt take any responsibility for what he did.

BlondeOnATreadmill · 17/02/2016 14:19

My first H cheated on me a lot. I left him, and he was devastated. After a few years he met someone and she moved in. After a few years he cheated on her. She's now gone. So, he's all alone again. I don't think a leopard changes his spots, sorry.

IrianofWay · 17/02/2016 16:12

I don't think that cheaters can't change and I am sure they can after one occasion, maybe. After two or more ? ... sorry I don't think so.

Have you had a proper talk about this. Has he been to counselling to discuss what made him cheat before? See I don't beleive cheaters cheat because they are in sub-par relationships, they cheat because they want to and have their own issues. Has he addressed those?

hefzi · 17/02/2016 16:22

Sorry - can someone clarify for me: the OP posted 7 1/2 years ago? So is someone who's posted today the OP with a name change? Or is this just a zombie thread that hasn't been updated by the OP? Confused

Fidelia · 17/02/2016 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 17/02/2016 16:49

I'd love an answer to your question OP, but for different reasons!

My H - together 20 years next Wednesday, married for 17 - has very recently been having an emotional/sexting affair with a work colleague.

After 20 years of trusting him implicitly, I am now asking myself the same question! Do leopards really change their spots?

If I find a definitive answer I'll let you know......

SoThatHappened · 17/02/2016 16:49

Didnt notice it was old. Still an interesting discussion I guess.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 17/02/2016 16:51

Oops - just realised it's a zombie thread!

I wonder if OP ever did find the answer.......

sulee · 20/02/2016 17:10

I would not trust him- do you?

Marilynsbigsister · 20/02/2016 17:30

Disagree completely. I am the current Mrs Marylnsbigsister... My DH and I have been very very happily married for two decades. I am his third wife. He is my second DH. He cheated on previous 2. First, he was just too young..(baby on the way...18yrs old, different times) .. Second, - competititive blaming.. He worked ridiculous hours in high paid job, job paid well because he worked ridiculous hours..huge resentment about minimal childcare input..but.. He did pay for a nanny, a mothers help and a full time cleaner. His ex was a sahm . She also enjoyed the lifestyle that came with the money..mutual resentment grew until he had an affair. He couldn't keep up,the deception and left after six weeks, it was the catalyst to leave an unhappy marriage. Even his own children say they are both much happier apart..

So in answer to your question, it simply depends on the man, his age, your age, your outlook on life, both your circumstances... And as they say.. Third time lucky...

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