How do you tell your husband your marriage is over?

[marriedbutmiserable]

Have changed name for this as am regular poster and just can't deal with all the ins and outs of my domestic situation over the last few months. Suffice to say, thinbgs have got worse, not better, but for some reason dh just won't confront things.

Our basic problems are that we don't see eye to eye on anything, from parenting approach, to managing money. We are unable to communicate anything more than the most superficial issues without some barbed comments. DS is 3 and really picks up on the negative atmosphere, and I think it is starting to affect his behaviour. (We also have a baby DD). Despite all that, I am fond of DH, he is the father of my children, and though I no longer love him, my feelings towards him are deep and complex and I don't want to hurt him.

He has been married before (no kids) and would rather gouge his eyes out than go through another divorce.

In the bluntest possible terms, he doesn't want us to spilt because he's afraid I will take the children away from him (I wouldn't), and I have so far done nothing because of the financial implications. Most of the time, drifting along like this is a lot easier than actually forcing a decision.

BUT, it was my birthday recently and I've felt so depressed since then. I can't cope with the idea that I'll feel this bad - or worse - this time next year. At the same time, I spend and unhealthy amount of time thinking about another man whom I've got to know recently. I know that my feelings for this other guy say more about my feelings about what's gone wrong with dh than anything else. That doesn't stop me thinking about him all the time.

My DH is quite unstable, and also the jealous vindictive type. If I tell him I don't love him any more, and i feel the children are being hurt by our rows, and that as a result I want us to separate, I know his reaction will be malicious and childish. So how can I broach the issue in as "amicable" a way as possible? I can't face any further deterioration in our home life, but at the same time, I think things have got to the point where we just can't carry on like this.

I felt I had to write to you - I've never posted on here before - or even looked at this topic until yesterday. I am in exactly the same situation as you and have been feeling so so so guilty about the situation that I decided to have a look and see if I could find any advice on Mumsnet. Then I found your message and have felt compelled to write to you.

I empathise completely with everything you say. My husband has been sorking away from home for the past 8 months and is due back to work here in a few weeks. I feel that we have been living separate lives for about 3 years and can no longer bear to live like this. I have a 4 year old and twins who are almost 2. Its been very hard work and I've had no emotional support. I had post natal depression after my son and about 6 months ago I went back to the Dr to see if I had it again or if it was just my relationship that made me so unhappy. I am fine when he's not here and feel so suppressed when he is.

Kids are very used to him being away and us liveing separate lives so I feel now is the time to do something about it. We both deserve to be happy after all - and the kids will be happier and more balanced with happy children. Thats what I'm trying to tell myself.

I have days of self doubt and think I should try again - but I know in my heart that it is over. I hate seeing my husband so distraught - but like yours he is making me feel so guilty and that it is all my fault. When I'm feeling strong I know that it takes two for a relationship to break down and that is what has happened. It simply hasn't worked and we need to do something about the future for the kids. he is so angry.

Need to get back to kids now, but just wanted to say how reading your messages has given me strength.

Good luck and keep strong.

Hi Stephanus. Sorry things are also so sh*t for you. I went to the gym this morning, and when I came back DH had spruced himself up, showered, shaved, etc, and is now acting totally normally, as if nothing had ever happened. This is his coping mechanism - it's what he always does. It's hard for me now as I feel I have to stick with what we agreed yday - that he should move out - but already I can see that he's changed his mind and if he does go, it'll be because I force him to.

My mum rang and told me that while I was out, he rang her and she spoke to him for about an hour. Again, he alwasy rings my parents in times of crisis, as he knows I'm more affected by their opinion than anything he can say to me. God only knows what he told her, but I'll find out soon as am seeing her tomorrow.

Stephanus, if you are sure that the problems in your marriage are problems between the 2 of you, rather than things arising from the stress of living apart, then I agree, now is a good time for you to separate formally. but if you feel that maybe your probs are more to do with feeling neglected by him for working away, maybe there is some hope? Then again, I think when love has gone, it's gone. That's true for me in any case.

Coddy, I'm not sure who you think I am, but I don't think it's who you think! I'm sorry to be "in disguise", but just don't feel ready to post openly at this point.

Back again! Things changed a bit over the weekend, as I knew they would. Having calmed down, dh just behaved as if nothing had happened. On Sunday I asked him what he thought was going on, and he said that he knew my view was that the marriage is over, and he is going to try and focus on getting himself together, and being civil to me, while we work out what to do.

The thing about our financial situation is that if we sell the house now, neither of us will be able to afford somewhere else in the catchment area for our local primary. DS doesn't start till next Sept. Once he starts, I can move anywhere within a 2 mile radius, which opens up quite a few possibilities.

So, DH is proposing, and I sort of agree, that we stay here till then and try and be civil and nice, till DS gets into this school.

The way things are at the moment, schooling aside, I don't think I can bring myself to force a physical separation, as he seems suicidal and the kids (and me, to a degree) are the only thing holding him together. To ask him to leave would feel like tearing the wings off an injured bird.

On the other hand, obviously I can't live the rest of my life beholden to his emotional intsability. I also have to admit that staying put for the time being does relieve me of the responsibility for the biggest decision of my (and my children's) life.

Am I being totally unrealistic in thinking that by moving slowly towards a split in this way, I'm doing the best thing? Has anyone else ever heard of a couple agreeing to stay in the house together but effectively be apart?

marriedbutmiserable,
hi there. Went through the same thing a couple of years ago and my biggest fear was telling my exh it is over but I did it quickly more so for the children than anything and like you I was always thinking of another man that I had got to know. As my Exh was in the army he would only come home at the weekends so I went to see a solisitor and was told all the same things as you. I'm still living with the children in the house that he owns my name is not on the morgage but he is paying it... Has ur DH decided yet whether he is leaving his job?? If he doesn't I'm sure u are allowed to stay in the house with the children until you can find somewhere else.

I was also thinking as you mentioned earlier that ur DH is finding his job stressful could this possibly be a big cause of the situation??

if there is anything else you want to know please ask

takecare
xx

you should think whats good for your children first because they always come first. Do what is best for the children not him nor you.( no offense)

My dh's parents split up and he tells me that the wound he felt from his parents is still in his heart. He told me that it can be forgiven but not forgotten. His only one wish for his parents was to get along even if they are not together.

if you and ur dh fight or argue a lot it can cause serious damage to your children and if you can be both better parents not being together then do it for the sake of your kids. just do what is best for them because if you do then you'll know you did the right thing.

one last thing. Do not jeopardize your marriage over financial because money comes and go. Never argue when it comes to financial instead of fighting over it find ways to solve it. If couple fights over money and then give up then that person will never keep whoever she/he may be with.
Take care of the relationship between you and your dh first before you get to a new relationship because you dont want to cheat on him especially when children gets older and they find out what you did , it will hurt them.Focus on the problem before it gets worse. Do what is best for your children.

have you ever thought of taking your husband into a counselor or a psychologist? It seems like his mind is not stabled.

Hi MBM. I'm in a very similar situation but a year or so down the line. It's OK actually - has settled down and things tick over. Me and my DH haven't had sex for nearly 2 years and he has slept on the sofa or in the spare room for that long too. He has been going to an anger management group for nearly a year which helps as he has a temper and can be quite a bully at times. He sometimes talks about us 'getting back together' but in my mind that won't happen. I couldn't ever have sex with him again, but we get on OK and try to do the best for our two small children (6 and 4) although same as you, they are the ONLY thing we now have in common.

I can't give you any advice, but depending on what you want and taking everything into account staying together can be OK, especailly compared to the other options. I'm happy to talk more if you want to. You could try to CAT me but I'm not sure if it will workundr my alter ego! I'll keep a look out for you on this thread anyway. Best of luck.

Thanks for your advice, Yeye, but I have been focusing on the problem for the last 2 yrs. We have had 2 long spells of going to Relate. We have had countless heart-to-hearts over how we can reconcile our differences. My parents have been involved in trying to mediate between us. Various friends have also been supportive.

Despite all that, things have just continued to get worse. And that's why we are where we are now. I'm sure you mean well, but what do you actually mean when you say not to fight over financial issues but find ways to resolve them? I can't just ignore the fact that my husband thinks nothing of dropping a grand here and there "to treat myself", when we can't even afford DS's nursery fees.

He is about to start seeing a CBT psychiatrist, which is covered by his work health plan, but at £200 per hour, I'm not sure how long the health insurance will pay out for. In any case, although I hope it helps him with his anger and emotional issues, I really feel that our relationship has broken down to a degree where nothing he does will make my view of him change.

Similarsituation, it's interesting to hear that other people do actually live separate lives whilst "together". Do any of your friends know what your arrangement is? How about your family? One of my problems is that, although sometimes I do feel maybe we should just stay together in a similar sort of way to you, over the last 2 yrs dh has behaved so badly on so many occasions that other people have witnessed it and become aware of what's going on between us. Those people now cannot understand why I would want to stay in this situtation, and when I hear myself say "Well, for the children, for ds's school..." it sounds so pathetic to me. Obviously whatever decision I make is going to be based on what's best for me and the kids, but at the same time I would like to carry on having the support of my friends and family without feeling like I'm living a lie.

marriedbutmiserable , hiya again.
hun how old are ur children. DD1 was 2.5 and DD2 was 9 mth..... Like I mentioned earlier on this thread I have been through the exact same thing in fact still going through it the way I thought about it which may help you is that you shouldn't stay together for the children ( not trying to suggest not trying to get on with the childrens father). you said you have been trying to get through this for an awful long time and have gone to relate but unfortunetly this hasn't appeared to work. My dad who is a child psyhologist explained when I was finding it difficult that the younger the children are whilst parents are considering seperation the better as the older they get the more damaging the arguing and bitterness between parents is. I was lucky as they were still very young but me and ex SOMETIMES actualy get on a lot better than we did whilst living in the same house and the girls love this. I hope u understand what I have wrote lol..... I'm sure other people will disagree but I ended up with everyone aswell as my dad saying the same thing whilst I was fighting with the desision....

Sweetie you will be ok i'm sure {{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}

Hi again. Mostly people know - my sisters, my friends etc, but not his family, or his friends. I am quite open with people about it but he isn't so I don't talk about it to anyone that isn't the closest to me IYSWIM. My dh also behaved badly on many many occasions and other people witnessed it - he was stroppy, lost his temper, was downright rude etc etc It just made me want to distance myself from his behaviour and no longer try to keep up a pretence that eveything was OK or that I condoned what he was doing. The fact that he is seeing a counsellor has helped imensly as he is at least trying to 'sort himself out' and no longer refusing to beleive that he has 'issues'.

I have told people that I am staying for the children because at the moment, despite there being other options, I think this is the best one for now and so I am happy with it, FOR NOW. My friends and family do seem to understand that and I feel much better for being honest with them. In fact it's given me a lot of support - some of them have been through the same thing too.

Over time things have mellowed - we get on quite well sometimes and I think that as long as we can be friendly and cooperate about the children then that really is OK for, for us, for now. Who knows what the future will bring? I'd like to think that one day I will have a loving fulfilling relationship again but I know it won't be with him (way too much water under the bridge) and at the moment I am fine with this.

Hope that helps!

Hi again SS, and yes, it does help a bit. I can see that it is possible to live a separate kind of life. I think in our case though, my mind is made up now. Our children are so young that whatever happens will be accepted - at the moment ds (3) finds it perfectly normal that mummy sleeps in the spare room, so why shouldn't he accept it if daddy moves out?

I think it must be very hard to split, not to mention form any new relationship, once the children are old enough to understand what;s going on. That makes me feel I've either for to resign myself to another 15 years of this, or act now. It is going to be so hard, as DH is not going to react well AT ALL, but I suddenly feel I actually have no choice any more. I don't believe in much of an afterlife, and the thought is spending the rest of this one in this depressing state is, frankly, intolerable.

Am formulating plan about getting the house valued, seeing CAB re benefits and tax credits etc, and am going to give myself till the summer to have sorted this out.