You can't advise me, obviously, but I'd love some insight if you can get through the post!

[phantasmagoria]

OK. Long story short. I used to be a regular until, in fact, this stuff all hit the fan.

Marriage - we have been together 14 years, married 8, have two dds, 9 and 7, one has SN, marriage has been ropy for a while. Really ropy. Tried hard over several years - perhaps 5 or 6 - to call him on it, but he was workaholic, often absent, shit or no sex, always took discussion off table, and we hardly ever saw each other. I looked after kids, my career suffered as I supported his, very glamourous one. I was lonely .Called him on it severely 2 years ago by fessing up that I had fallen for someone and nearly slept with them. It was a distress call. He ignored and again refused to discuss. I went to RELATE alone, gained clarity and strength, he was unavailable for discussion for the whole of the rest of the year. The person I nearly slept with was around again at Christmas and I fell even more badly. I kissed him, did not sleep with him, spent several months completely cut up about him. Am only just over him. Told dh that things were at a pretty pass. He kept fobbing me off, not interested, terrible Christmas, until this January I told him I was thinking of leaving and it was the first time he actually heard me.

Cut to 9 months later, we are still not having sex, he is still in the spare room, actually the living room, we are in RELATE and although I feel I understand him better and feel more compassion for him and the way he is and his reasons for being so absent, so uncompassionate, and so blind - my soul - at risk of sounding uberwank - went ages ago. The kids are aware he is in the spare room and we keep inventing excuses. He passionately wants to get US back, but my feeling is that there has not been an US for so long that I don't really know what he means.

I am wildly attracted to other people, and not remotely to him, but that is not the point. The point is I have a choice between investing LOADS of energy into completely rebuilding, from the foundations upwards, our relationship, or choosing to say no, enough is enough.

ANy clarity would be really welcome. Thank you.

I understand you and feel every sympathy for you. I have one thought which is that of respect. Do you still respect him? Do you think he respects you? If there is mutual respect, can it be built on?

The only other thought concerns the children's happiness. You have worked so hard not to ruin their lives. You would, will and have always put their happiness first. Would it ruin their lives if you and your husband were not together anymore?

I know what you mean about the broken thing. He has to work hard and then some, he has to read your mind for the next year at least to be sensitive to the work you have done in the past.

Now that he has come to your point of view all your pent up feelings and frusrations of the past are coming out and you are exhausted. He should understand it is not enough to say "well I'm here for you now". You cannot instantly stop thinking about the sacrifices, emotional and otherwise, that you have made for him.

Sorry if I'm off the wall, I feel for you very much.

First off - sorry you are feeling so abut your relationship. It sounds as if you are working hard at it but seems it is one-sided on your behalf (or has been up till now). However, there were a couple of things you said that made me :

'I am wildly attracted to other people and not to him. But thats not the point'.

I think that probably is a lot of the point.
You're just not that 'into' him.
He sounds emotionally detached, 'shit or no sex' you say -but is that because you don't fancy him? From his point of view, if he had no idea you don't fancy him, it could have been fine for him?
Perhaps he is a bit clueless in the fact that the first he knew something was wrong with your relationship was when you fessed up to having fallen for someone else and almost sleeping with them? You told him you almost had an affair, that you kissed someone and had deep feelings for them. Is your H not unbelievably hurt by this? If he had done that to you, would you have immediately gone to relate or would you have retreated, nursing your emotional wounds for a while?
You put him on the sofa, and say 'he'll have to suck it up for a while.' He seems not to know what to do. It sounds like he is kind of confused and is making an effort now. Perhaps it is too little too late on his part, but you also say he is 'funny, charming, clever, kind to the kids, a proper human being'. Sorry if I'm overstepping the mark, but those last words kind of sound hopeful? Good luck with it all.

Thanks Bleugh, very much. Merrylegs why do the things I say make you sceptical? Do you mean you don't believe me?

I'd like to point you in the direction of www.marriagebuilders.com/.

I'll include an extract here which is what helped me the most and simplifies everything so much:

"Within each of us is a Love Bank that keeps track of the way each person treats us. Everyone we know has an account and the things they do either deposit or withdraw love units from their accounts. It's your emotions' way of encouraging you to be with those who make you happy. When you associate someone with good feelings, deposits are made into that person's account in your Love Bank. And when the Love Bank reaches a certain level of deposits (the romantic love threshold), the feeling of love is triggered. As long as your Love Bank balance remains above that threshold, you will experience the feeling of love. But when it falls below that threshold, you will lose that feeling. You will like anyone with a balance above zero, but you will only be in love with someone whose balance is above the love threshold.

"However, your emotions do not simply encourage you to be with those who make you happy -- they also discourage you from being with those who make you unhappy. Whenever you associate someone with bad feelings, withdrawals are made in your Love Bank. And if you withdraw more than you deposit, your Love Bank balance can fall below zero. When that happens the Love Bank turns into the Hate Bank. You will dislike those with moderate negative balances, but if the balance falls below the hate threshold, you will hate the person.

"Try living with a spouse you hate! Your emotions are doing everything they can to get you out of there -- and divorce is one of the most logical ways to escape.

"Couples usually ask for my advice when they are just about ready to throw in the towel. Their Love Banks have been losing love units so long that they are now deeply in the red. And their negative Love Bank accounts make them feel uncomfortable just being in the same room with each other. They cannot imagine surviving marriage for another year, let alone ever being in love again.

"But that's my job -- to help them fall in love with each other again. I encourage them to stop making Love Bank withdrawals, and start making Love Bank deposits. I created all of the remaining Basic Concepts to help couples achieve those objectives."

Good luck.

Sorry phants. Of course I believe you! I was just a bit hmmm at you not thinking that fancying other people was relevant, when it sounds like it probably is. You sound very angry - and resentful, as well as sad. He got to keep his glamorous job while you had to give yours up. He has a life outside the home that seems to absorb him. You feel lonely and isolated. And you don't even fancy him. Do you blame him for that somehow? He seems emotionally distant and clueless about your feelings (inexcusable I know) but the first he seems to have been aware of anything amiss is your 'distress call' when you tell him you have fallen for someone else and considered sleeping with them. Chances are he probably picked up on that fact that you were just 'going though the motions' before that and that would have been the nail in the coffin? Perhaps he was knocked for six and dealt with it by retreating? Sounds like he wants to fight for you now. But it is too little too late for you? He is still sleeping on that sofa - at your request. He hasn't walked out the door yet - and he is going to Relate. I just thought although you sound there could be hope there for you both? I hope so. Good luck.

Have been thinking of your post. I am amazed at your strength in not having an affair.

Good luck.