I've lost that loving feeling!! How do I get it back???

[Dragonfly74]

Hi, Me and Dh have been together for 4yrs and married for 3, We have 2 beautiful children a boy 2+8yrs and a girl 28wks. As a family we are very happy and as a couple we still laugh together and enjoy each others company. The problem is this.... since we had our son I have completely lost my sex drive and i'm worried about it because I am by nature a very sexual person and before the birth of our son we were at it all the time. (sorry tmi).

I went to see my gp about it as I was so worried but all she did was ask me if there were any problems in our relationship, I had to be truthful and I told her that at times yes things had been difficult but aren't all relationships like that from time to time?
She suggested counselling but I didn't think things were that bad and I really don't think our relationship is the issue.

Since seeing the GP about the problem we have had our daughter so there is obviously some sex but I find it very difficult to get in the mood and it always feels forced and I could cry because I love my dh very much and he is also very loving in return, he tells me almost daily that I'm gorgeous and I mean the world to him. I don't have any sexual feelings at all, If Johnny Depp stood in front of me naked I'd tell him to put some clothes on and make me a cuppa. lol. What do you think the problem could be? Does anyone else feel like this?

Hmm. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you getting time for yourself? Do you feel sexy and attractive?

I wonder if maybe you've got the message (society? Your parents?) that mothers aren't sexual, so you're struggling to get your mojo back.

Counselling doesn't sound like a bad idea, tbh. I'd also recommend getting some exercise, or a pedicure or whatever works for you in that line. Go for a dinner with DH? Or pamper yourself and try to get in the mood for some solo action, before trying to get it on with DH?

Thanks NQC,
You may have a point about the not feeling sexy or attractive, as before the kids I always did my make up and was happy with my body, where as now I only put make up on for special occassions and i'm not as happy with the way I look. I think maybe some swimming or a trip to the gym may be needed!!

I feel like this too. Since having my DD four years ago my sex drive has not really come back.

It worries me so much and I miss wanting sex so much that I often have dreams where I get it back and me and DH are at it again all guns blazing.

I love DH madly and think he's the most gorgous person in the world, but I'm just not interested. A lot of my friends feel the same about sex too since having kids and my mum said to me that it's natures way of stopping you having any more (for the time being) so you are able to look after the kids you already have properly - which makes sense I think.

BTW we did go to councelling, not just about the sex but about some other difficulties we had a few years ago and it made no difference. She just made me feel worse and that I should be lying back thinking of England.

Hi popzie,
Thanks at least I know i'm not alone. I also really miss sex and have dreams about me and dh being intimate. I feel so guilty for my poor dh because I know if the situation was reversed and he didn't want sex with me i'd think he'd gone off me and didn't love me anymore.

I feel like this too and my dd is coming up for 2. could quite happily never have sex again. do feel i should occasionally but very unsatisfying all round. i have heard the more you have it the more you want it. but cant bring myself to 'have it' in the first place tbh. am very tired though still. sorry, not much help but it is not just you.

That's what our councellor said too - that the more you have it the more you want it - but I'm not sure that's true. We spent a year ttc our DS (now five months) and had sex quite a lot. I didn't want it any more although I suppose I did get used to it. We've now done the deed just three times since his birth.

Oh, by counselling, I meant counselling on your own, not as a couple.

It is true that (generally) having sex makes you want more sex, but if your sex feels forced, that's not going to help, is it.

I do think Cockney could be right to a certain extent though. The way you perceive yourself has quite a lot to do with it. I actually feel quite attractive and have a positive self body image, but I find it embarrassing thinking of myself being in a sexual clinch. I also now feel embarrassed watching sexual scenes on the TV - even when I'm on my own - when I NEVER felt like this before at all!

Can you think of any reasons that your libido might be lowered? Are you on the pill? I found that to be a total passion-killer, it might be worth changing to another one or trying another method of birth-control. Are you worried about falling pregnant again? How is your body image since having the children?

I think most women struggle with this after having children. I have. Mostly over body image issues like my (small) boobs have completely gone and I have a tummy covered in stretch marks :-{ I don't look like I used to at all. Plus being tired looking after a baby and toddler and not being able to 'flick the switch' between mummy and sex goddess.

I made a real effort at sex after DD2 turned one. I heard the more sex you have the more you want, I think you have to make the effort if you value that part of your relationship. (This is different from going through the motions if you really don't want to) I found that I did actually enjoy it and now am up for it much more and DH is delighted.

Hope you can find a way through it.