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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

really hurt over this

21 replies

TheArmadillo · 05/10/2008 21:21

I know I should stop being hurt over anything my parents do, and I know I should come to terms with what they are like but...

It is dp's and ds's birthday tomorrow, me and ds (dp was working) went to my parents yesterday who did presents, a cake and little teaparty for ds.

They got dp a card.

When I reminded them.

They didn't even bother getting him a token present, like they usually get (well get me to go out and get).

Dp says he doesn't care as he is fed up to the teeth with them.

They get distant relatives a token present, but not my dp. But hey, if their computer breaks who do they expect to drop everything and go and fix it?

Since I got pregnant with ds, they have turned against dp. They won't invite him to family occasions, they don't acknowledge his existence. I have had to scream and shout to get them to stop slagging him off in front of ds. They don't think ds having a relationship with HIS FATHER is important etc etc.

This has really hurt me. I hate it that they are not even pretending anymore. Dp has done nothing to them, ever. There is no reason for them to dislike him but they do. And I don't care why.

They are nicer to my aunt's abusive husband ffs.

Apperance is everything to them.

The contrast between the way dp's family treat us (we saw them today) adn the way my family treat us is growing ever more noticeablee.

I am sick of this.

OP posts:

skidoodle · 05/10/2008 21:25

I think you need to think seriously about whether it is right to allow your son to spend time with people who insult his father in front of him.

I guess I'm missing a whole lot of back story but I can't really understand why they would act like that or why you would put up with it if they did.

Original poster

TheArmadillo · 05/10/2008 21:29

They don't slate dp in front of ds anymore - I did put a stop to that.

They are nice to ds (well since he told them he hated going to their house), and I have cut down the amount of time he spends there.

But I know they are nice people, just not to me and by extension even worse to dp.

I cannot get my head around everything else, just wish they could just give him a token gift - just a bottle of beer or summat, I would have picked it up for them. Just something.

I know they are not bad people - I just wish they would show that side of them, the nice side.

I just think, what a bad person I must be if my own family can't stand me, and can't be bothered to show basic politeness to my dp, when they can to all matter of scumbags.

It shows how low they have sunk recently. And how bad they are getting.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheArmadillo · 05/10/2008 21:32

I love them dearly, but it would be so much easier if I didn't.

They have told me for my entire life how 'I'm not a coper' and how 'I couldn't do it without them' and I know to an extent that is true.

Which makes it worse.

I am cutting down step by step - but am waiting for a lot of stuff atm (beyond my control) that will really help.

OP posts:

Janos · 05/10/2008 21:36

They don't sound particularly nice to me, they sound quite unpleasant and controlling.

Do you feel like you 'need' their approval?

skidoodle · 05/10/2008 21:38

Well good that you stood up for your DP, well done.

Of course you love them, they're your parents.

I think you need to stop hoping for things from them. Lower your expectations to reflect the reality of what they give you.

But it sounds like you know that. Much harder to do than to say.

I'm sorry.

Original poster

TheArmadillo · 05/10/2008 21:51

They are extremely controlling, well my mum is. My dad used to be worse when we were kids, but now he's a kind of bystander who just puts pressure on us to do whatever my mum wants.

My sister just detests me. Everybody denies this.

I just want them to give dp some respect as the father of their grandchild. As the person who truly loves me and treats me much better than they ever have.

I know they aren't great parents, but I am struggling atm to see them as bad as others do and to see what an effect their behaviour has and does continue to have on me.

I am waiting for councelling at mo. Hopefully appt will be coming thru soon. But feel I have got as far as I can without proper help.

It just really spelled out to me what they thought of my dp as a result of what they think of me.

OP posts:

beanieb · 05/10/2008 21:52

Why don't they like him? Have they given you a reason?

PussinJimmyWhoooos · 05/10/2008 21:57

Dillo - have just facebooked you

Original poster

TheArmadillo · 05/10/2008 21:57

Basically they don't like him because he's my dp.

He's done his purpose (produced a grandchild) and so should really have the decency to fuck off now (in their opinion).

He gives me a link to the outside world and the strength not to give into them all the time.

In their opinion if we split up I would move back to their house (with ds) and me and ds would enver see him again. They would have total control over what we did, what we thought etc.

This is my parents ideal. They want me to leave him and move in wiht them. They suggest this on a regular basis, but without the 'leave him' bit. I could still carry on seeing him if I wanted

My and dp have lived together for 6.5 years, since we left school. We are very happy together.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheArmadillo · 05/10/2008 21:59

ta puss.

It's hard to explain without understanding that they don't really view him as a person, more an object that has served his purpose of me getting this silly thing (leaving home) out of my system.

OP posts:

Grammaticus · 05/10/2008 22:01

You say that they are nice people. how are they nice? Genuine question, I can't see anything nice from your posts!

Original poster

TheArmadillo · 05/10/2008 22:10

If you met them in RL you wouldn't believe these were the same people.

They are nice, they are respected.

They are nice, just not to me.

OP posts:

Janos · 05/10/2008 22:14

I know it's really hard Armadillo when you love people and they behave like this.

I would say that you need to start distancing yourself from them - I don't say that lightly, much easier to say than to do. After all, they are your parents and they bought you up and therefore have a really strong influence on you.

I bet what they don't like is not your DP himself but the fact that you are an adult and they are not 'in charge' of you any more. DP represents this, you breaking away and being independent (if you like).

Grammaticus · 05/10/2008 22:19

Well they're not that nice then, are they?

CarGirl · 05/10/2008 22:23

They are NOT NICE they are controlling bullies who think they own you and that you have no rights and do not deserve to be happy.

I really hope you get the accommodation issue sorted asap.

Please restrict your time with them as much as possible they are harming you and your family so much.

When are you going to get married? Can I come and be your witness I hardly know you but I look forward to the day you break free from your parents and cleave fully to your dp

In the meantime have a hug.

Janos · 05/10/2008 22:23

Armadillo, people like this are often good at hiding their 'real' selves from the outside world.

The person who is the target of all their bile (for want of a better word) often feels isolated and like no-one would believe them if they said what was happening. That's how they get away with it.

And of course if you are bought up like this it seems normal until you start seeing what goes on in the outside world.

beanieb · 05/10/2008 23:07

Do you have siblings? Do they treat them the same. They sound odd.

BecauseImWorthIt · 05/10/2008 23:12

How can they be 'nice' if they treat their own daughter like this?

I think you need to create a much bigger distance from them, and get on with your own life with your own family who do love you.

Original poster

TheArmadillo · 06/10/2008 18:53

Thanks for all these responses.

I feel frustrated at mo cos I am in a position where I am just waiting for everything to happen, and not really dealing with anything. It's easier when i have practical stuff to distract me.

They treat my sister differently (she is the 'outgoing' one) but are still quite controlling of her. But they don't label her as 'failure' and much of her behaviour is similar to that of my (as from today) 4yo son. Her behaviour towards me is also not nice, but I am at least partly to blame for it over the years. We have no relationship and barely tolerate each others presence.

Had nice day today visiting SIL and taking MIL with us. At least I have some family that likes me.

And I just have to concentrate to getting to xmas cos after that I will be moving and hopefully then saving up to get married

It's just I don't want ot believe this stuff is happening to me. I love my family dearly, I just want them to feel the same towards me.

OP posts:

Lauriefairycake · 06/10/2008 19:01

What do they think is wrong with him - in their warped little minds? Is it because you are a young mum and they blame him?

Original poster

TheArmadillo · 06/10/2008 19:09

They think he is a crap parent, but then they think that of me too.

Most of the excuses they use as to why they don't like him is 'he's too laidback' and then instances of stuff he did when he was 17/18 (when they liked him ) - nothing major, just that he needed to wash his hair more, he needed more motivation, he's never going to earn a million a year and keep me in the lap of luxury. Most of which is true but nothing really worth complaining about. And now he's older and considerably more mature.

I think they do blame him a bit for me getting pregnant at 21. BUt they blame me as much as well.

We're glad we had ds when we did - he turned our lives around. They adore him too, so I'm not sure that comes into it as much.

OP posts:

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