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Original poster

Sign of a controlling nature or am I just being arsey?

19 replies

Slipnot · 04/10/2008 19:32

I've been with my DP for around 8 months and I've started to notice subtle things he does to try and 'control' things.

A petty example is that I don't use a knife when I eat. I never have and find it very difficult to use so just don't bother. It might be bad ettiquette but I don't really see it as a big issue.

DH however has made his mission to 'make' me correct my ways. For instance if he's handing out cutlery he will ALWAYS give me a knife and then constantly sit there saying "why don't you use your knife?" while I'm eating. If we're out he'll say "you have a knife there, use it" or "it will be alot easier to eat if you use your knife" I have told him I don't want to use the knife and asked him to stop going on about it but he carries on ALL THE TIME.

Another example is washing the pots. He started standing over me saying "are you not going to rinse that?" every time I cleaned a plate or anything. I've lived on my own for 10, I know how to wash up! but he goes on and on about it all the time.

There are other little things like this that by themselves seem petty but altogether I feel I'm being bossed around and that he's trying to 'mould' me. Am I just being arsey?

OP posts:

LadyOfWaffle · 04/10/2008 19:34

I do the same things to DH....

nickytwotimes · 04/10/2008 19:35

He does sound controlling. That would bug the hell out of me!
is he a good partner in other ways? Is it worht talking to him about it or is it a case of moving on?

hercules1 · 04/10/2008 19:36

It does seems a bit odd and must be a bit odd to wath someone eat without a knife if a knife is needed but it also seems rather controlling too. How does he react when you tell him to bog off?

Hassled · 04/10/2008 19:36

NO, not being arsey at all. He either takes you as he finds you or he doesn't. Obviously all couples have differences, but to constantly correct another adult because you are so entrenched in your views and are so convinced your way is the right way is just wrong, and odd.
You could start telling him it would be a lot easier if he didn't use a knife, fail to give him a knife etc etc

FiveGoMadInDorset · 04/10/2008 19:36

I do the same with DH just different people doing the same thing different ways. You haven't been with each other long.

CherryChapstick · 04/10/2008 19:37

Words must be had.

Inevergivemychildrensweets · 04/10/2008 19:43

What a twonk. Tell him if he doesn't like you the way you are why is he with you?

He should not be trying to change you. A little playful ribbing is fine. Constant nagging is NOT.

my ex used to comment on my shoes and hair and everything else, it was escalating, he kept criticising - seemed to enjoy making me really upset and then holding me when I cried and felt hurt

we wer eonly together a fw months

When he said 'You haven't got much self esteem have you? You could take the most beautiful woman in the world and take away her self esteem and she would be really unattractive' I realised what he was trying to do, he wanted to own and mould me and make me feel like I was worth nothing if he didn't like me, because nobody else would if I stayed the way I was.

Later he said it was like buying a sofa - you want it to be comfy as it's a big investment, you know, buying something to last a lifetime - so you might have to make adjustments before you bought it.

He was such a knobjockey.

MrsMattie · 04/10/2008 19:45

Some people don't mind this trait in a partner.

My mum and stepdad have been together for 20 years and are pretty happy, despite the fact that he constantly subtley corrects/coaches her in petty areas of their life, just like how you've described.

Me? I couldn't put up with someone like this for more than 5 mins.

Inevergivemychildrensweets · 04/10/2008 19:47

My mum does it to my dad. He never complains but she said when they first met, he used to call her ugly and fat and so on

My dad is so not like that now. People can grow up I suppose. He definitely adores her and she loves him so it's all a bit weirdy...

Kimi · 04/10/2008 19:55

Does he have OCD?

countingto10 · 04/10/2008 20:33

Is it just these two things or are they escalating into other things.

TBH there are lots of things about my DH that bug me but I only choose to pick him up on a couple of things eg he used to say somethink, anythink etc - I hated it and had to tell him, in fact I corrected it every time he said it. Was i being controlling ? He actually thank me for correcting him in the end - he now notices when other people say it (Simon Cowell does it and it really annoys me).

I had an ex who used to go on at me about rinsing things when I washed up - it used to really wind him up (but he was controlling .)

Your DP is obviously irritated by you never using your knife. Sometimes it is only when you have been together for a few months that you feel comfortable enough to bring up these things.

ninah · 04/10/2008 20:38

I'd tell him to eff off but no doubt that's why I'm happily single
pmsl at knobjockey

Pheebe · 04/10/2008 21:59

Personally I'd be pretty impressd by someone who could eat everything with just a fork My mother on the other hand would be utterly horrified and would most likely 'take you in hand'

It may simply irriate him it isn't usual 'etiquette' to not use a knife. However, I suspect this may be the thin end of the wedge. A serious conversation may be in order to TELL (not ask) him to back off and stop with the 'helpful' comments. If it still continues after that I would seriously question whether I wanted this person in my life.

elmoandella · 05/10/2008 21:21

how the heck do you eat a steak with only a fork. seeing you do stuff like that would drive me insane. no wonder he says use a fork.

as for dishwashing. why not let him do it.he obviously has a way of doing things.

relationships are about finding a balance to rub along together nicely. your only 8 months into this one. will take years to find a system that you both work well with.

beanieb · 05/10/2008 21:24

Sounds to me like these kind of silly ettiquette things are quite important to him. Could you compromise or explain to him that you really don't think it's that important and never have?

I don't think it's neccesarily controlling just learning about eachother's little ways. Talk to him about it and then see how he reacts.

Janos · 05/10/2008 21:35

Yes, he sounds a bit controlling.

If you're not sure, ask yourself what his reaction would be if you just flat out said 'No, I'm not doing that."

You mentioned other things. What are they?

You are right to be wary of a man who criticises contstantly.

Kally · 06/10/2008 09:17

The way a person eats his/her food is a big issue here in the UK. I've noticed people really 'care' about it. Having lived away most of my life without all this manners and etiquette going on, I can really see it.
And Brits do wash up in a funny way, most countries 'rinse' their stuff under clear running water but here the stuff is put on the drainer covered in suds.
Has he lived away or something?
But I would humourize it if he's important to you, and ok in all other apsects.
We all have differences, multi-cultural as we are really here in the UK now.
I have a BF that 'mashes' everything up as he eats (something my Mum would have been horrified at) but having 'shed' all that crapp over the years, I just want someone to enjoy what they are eating, with just a fork, or mashing, or whatever.
Why does he put such emphasis on this? See if you can find out, perhaps his parents bullied him at the table and he has eating/hygeine concerns.
Some Brits still delicately strip chicken with a knife and fork, me? I just pick it up with my hands and enjoy, thats how I have come along... food is to be enjoyed , tell him, it should not be a demonstration of how well coordinated we are with our small motor thingy.
try looking into it a bit deeper and see what else comes with this package...

Seabright · 06/10/2008 10:25

Hmmm. The knife thing would bug me too, but I know I have a touch of OCD about me.

Some stuff I can tolerate most of the time(e.g. leaving teaspoons on the work top above the dishwasher instead of putting them in the dishwasher - I mean, how hard is that?) but occasionally I feel the need to point of the error of his ways.

I expect he could list similar stuff about me too.

I'm not sure it's controlling. Just sounds like everyday life to me.

pamelat · 06/10/2008 13:58

My Dh is a bit like this with me. Apparently I hold my knife and fork "wrongly" and he has noticed that my mum does too - I would never notice and am not even sure how I hold it "wrongly".

He only makes light of it. I wouldnt have been very happy if he had mentioned it 8 months in to a relationship. I think with time things just grate on one another but after 8 months I would still be expecting the princess treatment!

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