I am a completely rational, capable person with a good job and lots of good friends and family. I also have a fantastic husband who I quite honestly can hardly fault. He has never done anything wrong in our relationship which has lasted many years and is a good partner and father to our children.
I love my job, although it is long hours and hard work, and am happy with the way I look. As I've said before, I have lots of lovely people around me and my own fantastic kids. At work, I feel content and as though I have purpose - the point I'm making is that I'm not an unhappy person which makes my irrational behaviour towards dp harder to understand.
Basically, I admit that I don't treat him particulary well for some of the time. Don't get me wrong - theres no name calling or physical stuff, I'm just a grumpy bitch to him sometimes! I know this doesn't sound much, but if I'm brutally honest, I'm like it alot of the time to him and him alone. I can breeze through my working day having a laugh, I go out socialising (with and without him) and am the life and soul of the party - basically, there are plenty of times when I love life - but sometimes, when we're alone I just can't help biting his head off and being particulary argumentative over stuff that isn't really important. This is gettihg more and more frequent and I just can't get out of this 'cycle'. I have thought about why I'm like it, its almost like I have to provoke him. Sometimes I think its just plain life - we're both tired, we both work long hours, and particularly at my time of the month, its probably normal to bicker or get on each othes nerves.
However, for the rest of the time I wonder if its something deeper. its almost like I provoke him to 'test' him (but don't ask me why?!). Perhaps deep down I am insecure - I am the type of person who often wonders when something will go wrong when there are lots of good things in my life and I know that I'm lucky to have dp, but feel that one day, I'll wake up and he'll wonder what hes doing with me. So my nastiness is kind of a protection or 'getting in there first' if we were to split up? I know that sounds crazy, particulary as he has never done anything for me to doubt him. Years ago I was really hurt by a boyfriend who cheated on me in many ways, but I'd like to think that I got completely over that instead of it leaving me with constant doubt in other relationships.
I also wonder if I almost like a bit of 'drama'. DP once said that its like I enjoy the arguing and feel that we should be up and down instead of on one level all of the time and maybe hes right?
Perhaps it does all relate to my insecurity - I love him and couldn't imagine life without him, but reguarly jeopardise this by opening my big mouth. I also admit that I'm a bit of a control freak - not to the point that I need help, but I am a very organised person - sometimes I wonder if I'm almost trying to control dp by forcing my opinions on him in this way?
I'm sorry this is so long and waffling but just wondered if anybody else had gone through this and how they got through it or if I'm just simply an evil bitch!