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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why am I so evil?

10 replies

hissyfit · 04/10/2008 18:33

I am a completely rational, capable person with a good job and lots of good friends and family. I also have a fantastic husband who I quite honestly can hardly fault. He has never done anything wrong in our relationship which has lasted many years and is a good partner and father to our children.

I love my job, although it is long hours and hard work, and am happy with the way I look. As I've said before, I have lots of lovely people around me and my own fantastic kids. At work, I feel content and as though I have purpose - the point I'm making is that I'm not an unhappy person which makes my irrational behaviour towards dp harder to understand.

Basically, I admit that I don't treat him particulary well for some of the time. Don't get me wrong - theres no name calling or physical stuff, I'm just a grumpy bitch to him sometimes! I know this doesn't sound much, but if I'm brutally honest, I'm like it alot of the time to him and him alone. I can breeze through my working day having a laugh, I go out socialising (with and without him) and am the life and soul of the party - basically, there are plenty of times when I love life - but sometimes, when we're alone I just can't help biting his head off and being particulary argumentative over stuff that isn't really important. This is gettihg more and more frequent and I just can't get out of this 'cycle'. I have thought about why I'm like it, its almost like I have to provoke him. Sometimes I think its just plain life - we're both tired, we both work long hours, and particularly at my time of the month, its probably normal to bicker or get on each othes nerves.
However, for the rest of the time I wonder if its something deeper. its almost like I provoke him to 'test' him (but don't ask me why?!). Perhaps deep down I am insecure - I am the type of person who often wonders when something will go wrong when there are lots of good things in my life and I know that I'm lucky to have dp, but feel that one day, I'll wake up and he'll wonder what hes doing with me. So my nastiness is kind of a protection or 'getting in there first' if we were to split up? I know that sounds crazy, particulary as he has never done anything for me to doubt him. Years ago I was really hurt by a boyfriend who cheated on me in many ways, but I'd like to think that I got completely over that instead of it leaving me with constant doubt in other relationships.

I also wonder if I almost like a bit of 'drama'. DP once said that its like I enjoy the arguing and feel that we should be up and down instead of on one level all of the time and maybe hes right?

Perhaps it does all relate to my insecurity - I love him and couldn't imagine life without him, but reguarly jeopardise this by opening my big mouth. I also admit that I'm a bit of a control freak - not to the point that I need help, but I am a very organised person - sometimes I wonder if I'm almost trying to control dp by forcing my opinions on him in this way?

I'm sorry this is so long and waffling but just wondered if anybody else had gone through this and how they got through it or if I'm just simply an evil bitch!

OP posts:
dittany · 04/10/2008 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

captainofthemummies · 04/10/2008 18:42

Sounds like you are toooo secure - that you don't need to keep 'on his right side' or to seem to be impressing him, like we all do when we meet someone new we fancy.

I feel a bit like this sometimes, and I'm, sure it's because there is no thrill of the chase. You swouldn't do it if there was the slightest risk of him going off.

hissyfit · 04/10/2008 18:45

god, captain of the mummies, you may have hit the nail on the head.

So its possibly a case of sparking our relationship up. I had never really thought of it like that.

OP posts:
captainofthemummies · 04/10/2008 18:56

I get it too hissy, my dh is so totally committed to me, and to be honest it;s the last thing I need. I think I need someone I am slightly in awe of, or who needs seducing all the time.

I'd be sooo much nicer.

I don't know what to suggest other than he should maybe try playinga bit hard-to-get?

spicemonster · 04/10/2008 19:00

This might be a bit heavy but have you considered counselling to look at why you do this? I am like you (and am single - as a consequence of my being a bitch and dumping every single decent man I've ever been out with).

If that seems a bit OTT, you could have a think about what you could do to inject a bit of drama and excitement into your relationship? How about going away and letting him 'pick you up' in a bar or something?

Pheebe · 04/10/2008 19:07

hissyfit you could be talking about me!!!

I'd don't think I feel 'too' secure at all, quite the opposite, I feel like you that I provoke him almost as a form of self protection. Testing him somehow. I too have a 'history' that I know sometimes haunts our relationship.

I sometimes (not so often these days) find myself harping on about his previous (first) relationship which was when he was at school ffs as if I want the 'drama' exactly as you say. Its definitely 'my' problem and I've come to the conclusion that I am a bit of a drama queen and I am making a conscious effort to reign myself in. I try and hold a mirror up and ask 'would I want to live with someone who treated me like that'. Its usually all the reality check I need.

Also we've been married 6 years and in some ways I do think we've go too comfortable (I hesitate to say boring) so my new years resolution is going to be to spice things up a bit! Not sure how yet but I have a couple of months to come up with ideas...

WinkyWinkola · 04/10/2008 19:08

What does your DP do in response to your bitch fits, HF?

TheArmadillo · 04/10/2008 19:16

Have you told him all this? I agree with the idea of councelling to get to the bottom of this, but a good first step might be telling your dp all you have written here.

What were your parents like?

hissyfit · 04/10/2008 19:17

To be honest, it doesn't normally result in a big argument/row. DP will actually say "I'm not going to talk about this with you because your'e looking for an argument" then we normally avoid each other for a while. I then realise what I've done again and we go through the motions of making up. He's absolutely not a doormat, in fact, probably as stubborn as me, but he's also quite calm and rarely loses his temper.

OP posts:
hissyfit · 04/10/2008 19:25

My parents were very loving. My father had quite high expectations of me and I always felt that I should do well for him.

My parents had a very loving relationship.

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