A severely depressed SAHD husband who is at loggerheads with my parents. I need advice - please?

[Twinklemegan]

I posted a couple of days ago about problems arising over where my parents were going to spend Christmas. Well this has snowballed (pardon the pun) into a much much worse situation. DH has never really got on with my parents. Rightly or wrongly he believes they look down on him for not "providing" for me the way they think a husband should. They deny it of course, but I think he has a point.

Gradually over the years DH has come to accept the way my parents are - and I don't think they are deliberately being horrible at all. I think that, well, they don't think and don't realise how things come across. They have helped us out financially a fair bit because I don't earn very much in my own job and DH, as I said, is a SAHD most of the time. But things they say make both of us feel pretty obligated to them for this, although they will deny it obviously.

So there was a bit of a flare up over this Christmas thing the other day. DH got a bit heated and stormed out - my parents were "shocked". Things calmed down and DH thought that today he would phone to apologise. Part of putting some ghosts to rest as a result of therapy he's receiving for stress and depression (of which my parents are a tiny tiny part). It turned out to be a huge mistake.

My mum decided to accept his apology and then say how upset they were, how uncomfortable he made them feel and how "after all they've done for us" they don't understand why he was being like that. As you might imagine, that was like a red rag to a bull. DH had summoned up so much courage to make that phone call and he pretty much blew his top. So now we're back to square one - my parents refusing to acknowledge they've ever done anything wrong, and DH refusing to see them ever again.

DH has tonight admitted to me that when he isn't with DS he sometimes thinks he wants to end it all. I am desperately worried that this latest episode, when he was trying to move forward, will tip him over the edge.

If anyone's still with me - what can I do? Has anyone gone through anything similar, either with parents, or a depressed DH, or both? Thanks for listening.

Lol Cargirl - you're right and I wish I could do that. The other problem though is that my dad is not well at all - he never has been my whole life - and he always seems very vulnerable in my eyes. So I don't want to hurt him and my mum any more than I want them to hurt DH. God, it's a mess, it really is!

There is no law that says you have to spend time with people damaging your mental health. If your dh cant let it wash over him then I would stop your parents coming to visit. I would also stop accepting the money, say you don't want it because of all the comments made.

You are not responsible for your dad in the same way as you are responsible for the welfare of YOUR OWN little family unit.

Whoops sorry my last post looks like I'm telling you off or something - the comment about the derelict house was meant to be tongue in cheek and x posted with your later posts.

Hmmm but they are using that vulnerability to the detriment of your dh. How would you feel if your DH let your PIL's do that to you and he didn't sort it out pronto?

Hijack - CapricaSix we've got the last series on order - so excited!!!!!!!

Weeell, I said he was a SAHD most of the time, which possibly wasn't very clear. I know you're right, FJ, strictly speaking, it's just that if we were saving it or splurging it no one would say it was "propping up" so I kind of resent it just because I'm trying to be sensible. We are going to enormous lengths to survive day to day on just what we bring in.

So how can you have 'great quality of life in a fantastic place' with no cash, interfering paretns and a depressed dh?

I don't get it.

Nobody is suggesting he deserves to be treated badly by your parents. The point is what are you doing about it? You say that the cash is your future inheritance and you're not beholden to them- so why haven't you told them to respect your DH??? You've said yourself that you think he has a point, that they don't respect him. If he is suffering from depression he probably has a pretty low opinion of his own value as a person. It won't help to be around people he feels (rightly) think he is not good enough.

"I don't think they are deliberately being horrible at all. I think that, well, they don't think and don't realise how things come across."
"She hasn't even told me the whole truth about what was said - as ever things are being twisted to make DH look like the only guilty party. I'd like to think this isn't intentional, but just because they're slightly stupid, but I'm not so sure any more."
"they expect DH to be around every time they come to see us"

They are your parents, but you are not a child anymore. Stand up for your DH please.

x posts

Well I mean great quality of life in the sense of clean air, a lovely view, a safe garden for DS and all the other things we couldn't have had if we'd stayed where we were in England. I never said it was easy, but we still both count our blessings. DH's depression is a lot deeper than a lack of money and being a SAHD, for sure. He's starting to work through it and we both know that he would be even worse if we'd stayed where we were. Not least because I'd have got an even bigger pay cut down there (isn't job evaluation great?!) and we'd have lost our home.

Hmm, try to focus on the positive comments here TM.. MN is a big place and it can't edit out the people who engage their 'mouths' before their brains - and many are nursing their own problems. I've done it to my shame. It's the 'am i being unreasonable' syndrome. Its degraded the qualoity of advice all over the place.

anyway - there's nothing like feeling obligated to make you feel depressed.
Ig your DH is that depressed then waste no time and go see the docs and get on a course of anti-de[ressents. Then when they begoin to kick in begin to find out what it is thay would make him feel fullfiulled and autonous in his/your lives. Do it via counselling if poss - tho you will have to rely on parents probably to do this - but needs must.

Tell him theres nothing wroing with not feeling fullfulled in being a SAHD either. It is a vital job - as is beibg a SAHM - buty some of us just aren't cut out for it, for the social isolation and other stuff, their needds need to be met somehow. Good luck

Thanks MT. I did say earlier actually that DH is on anti-depressants, believe it or not. And having some sort of counselling, although I don't know if it's helping at all. But then it's got him thinking about the root causes of how he feels, so perhaps it's the start of something.