are we programmed for abuse?

[Hedgehog]

Help!

I'm in the process of divorcing from a violent, alcoholic husband, I work full time and I have 4 children (8, 6, 4 & 2 - two girls and two boys). I myself come from what can only be described as a disfunctional family, I have very little contact with my parents as I find any contact upsetting and emotionally stressful, although I have a good relationship with one of my brothers. I was wondering, was I somehow "programmed" for abuse by my childhood? is this why I ended up with this particular husband? If so, what example are my children receiving?

I'm going through this divorce on my own, I feel very isolated and although I know that I am definitely doing the right thing, I am plagued by anxiety and feelings of guilt. I know that hundreds of other women are going through the same thing, but I feel so alone. How do I make sure that my children aren't "programmed" to feel as useless as I did? Somethimes I feel that I am overcompensating for my own horrible childhood, and this probably isn't good either.

Does anyone else have any ideas?

Hedgehog, you really are stronger than you think, now you're divorcing your husband, you've done the toughest part in making that decision I'm sure. I know a little about this subject and there's no doubt we grow up to feel comfortable with what we were brought up with as a child. I think confidence plays a big aprt as well, I mean if you are subject to emotional and physical abuse as a child, you grow up feeling unworthy of love. Although the cycles of abuse are difficult to break, its certainly never too late to stop your children learning abusive behaviour and feeling good about themselves.

There are help and support groups for exactly what you are going thru'. Look them up on the web, you can't be expected to do this on your own with 4 kids to think of as well.

good luck, hold in there!

Hedgehog, I can only echo Lil's words, my mother spent over 20 years in a marriage similar to your circumstances. My father was an alcoholic and my mother suffered mental abuse and some violence as well. She stayed, until just before I left home, I left at 17 to work, since then and my father died in 1994, my mother has become a different person. No living on a knife edge all the time, he was so abusive about the cleanliness of the house, it had to be spotless and her cooking and she is a very good cook. He left her feeling worthless and worth nothing at all, since she left in 1988, 13 years ago, I have seen my mum become what she should have been like when she was married, full of fun and ready for a good laugh. I am in a very good strong marriage, with a great husband and father to our 2 children, we are very good for each other and I am so glad that I have him as I can get depressed now and again and he knows when it comes on, and tells me, he knows the signs and helps me through it for however long it lasts. I do moan about him, but, I love him to bits warts n all!, he is by no manner a saint, and enjoys himself if we are out or have friends in.

You are a strong person, you have made the break, remember that and that you are a person as well that has feelings and your own thoughts. Never let anyone tell you otherwise, your life will get better and you will grow stronger even more, and do not feel guilty, you are not the guilty one here. I knew from a very young age that my father was in the wrong not my mum, if you think your children would understand, maybe the older ones, explain to them that this is a new start for all of you, do all the things you want to do. Relax, if the tea is not ready by such a time, get everyone involved and make it mum and kids time. You sound like a very strong, level headed lady, always remember that, and look forward to your and your childrens future. Good luck.

Mary

Hedgehog, I haven't got any good ideas to add to what Lil has already suggested on this one, apart from obvious ones like talking to your children about this sort of issue when they get older, but it sounds as though you are having a rotten time at the moment, I just want to offer moral support! I am sure you are right about being "programmed", but it must be possible to break out of this. Don't underestimate yourself though - you are really taking on a lot to be a single parent of four children, working full time. Your children will grow up seeing a very positive role model - you.

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Thank you all for your support!

What I am finding difficult to understand is that,
after a couple of phone-calls, my ex has managed to convince the children that he is a reformed character and now the children keep asking when I am going to let Daddy come back.

I know that it is difficult for them to be without a father and I don't want to remind them of the violence and abuse and shouting because I don't see any point in bringing up such negative memories, but he has somehow managed to convince them that I am being horrible to HIM and that it is all my fault anyway. I just don't seem to be able to win!

He has been able to use the fact that I don't want to run him down in front of the children to his own advantage (he can be very manipulative)and I find this extremely frustrating. I am hesitant to change my phone number but I think I will have to!

Hi Hedgehog - congrats on making the break - agree with Batters that you are teeaching your kids an important principle - that it isn't ok to be abused.

I have heard that people who grow up in disfunctional families are more likely to be attracted to abusive partners because your emotions respond very strongly to this kind of treatment. It's the same for all of us - if we grow up in warm, cuddly families, we respond most to warm, cuddly people. If we grow up in polite formal families, we respond to politeness etc. It's about what triggers our emotions and makes us 'feel' at home.

If this is a pattern for you, it's not the be all and end all - it is definitely something that you (and your kids) can get through by learning new patterns of interacting - I would suggest that you see a counsellor while you're going through the breakup (to support you and help you look at these issues). I'd also recommend lots of hugs every day with your kids! Hope it all goes well.

Re: Contact - this is tricky. On the one hand you're concerned about their safety. On the other hand, just because you are making a break with him, it doesn't neccesarily mean that your children will - even if you limit contact with him while they are children, they will want some contact with him when they are older.

The best thing to do here is NOT to prevent them from seeing him - this strategy almost always fails and builds resentment against you from both him and your children - they will want to know why you prevented them seeing their father. I've seen many women doing this and it's almost always a disaster in the long run.

You should go to see a solicitor and deal with the contact issues through the family court. Explain to your solicitor your concerns about their safety, make a list of incidents where you have been concerned about their safety and handle the contact issues through legal means. The family court is experienced in dealing with situations like these, and will be able to monitor contact through supervision etc, to ensure that the kids are safe. This is by far the most responsible way to take it forward.

hedgehog, I read your message with such admiration. Coming from an abusive family, I'm still angry with my mother for not protecting us children, and agree with other people who've written that divorce is far from being the worst thing that can hppen to children.

The issue of being programmed for abuse, its one of the hardest things anyone can do to break patterns from the past. You are incredibly brave and I admire you so much.

The situation you have been minpulated into by your ex-husband sounds particularly painful, and it must be extremely hard to know you are doing what you are doing for the children and yet have them see you as the bad one. It sounds like a case of "change back" behaviour, where others can't accept the changed you and want to return to a previous situation, however damaging it was.

Perhaps the children are doing what you suggest you did as a victim of abuse, clinging to or seeking out a similar abusive situation.

The only suggestion I could make as to what to say to them about him, is that although they have the right to believe that he has changed, you don't believe it and you have the right to believe that, and also that you don't want to take the risk of putting them at risk or in a situation where they could witness abuse again.

I can't express enough my admiration for you, and my belief that however hard it is, what you are doing is essential for the emotional survival of your kids and of course, yourself, and you are all worth it.

Perhaps you could print out some of the responses you've had here for the children to see when they're older.

Two more things: one is that you are finding the good in what seems a bad situation, by leaving, and the other thing is that ideally a good counsellor would help, but try reading Carl Roger's book On Becoming a Person. It is serious, affirming and it is heavy going, no miracle cures.

You have broken the pattern already. I'll be thinking about you.