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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

another thing to control us with?? MIL

51 replies

sparklymieow · 01/03/2005 16:39

Its my BIL's wedding in June and I was chatting to MIL about the kids clothes for the day. Have brought DD1 and Dd2 new dresses, but DS's suit is now too small, so she said that her cataloge had a lovely suit in it that would look lovely on DS. I had a look and I agreed it was nice and could she order it for me. She ordered it and then said she would pay for it. I asked if she was sure and she said yes. Its arrived today while DH was at her house and he wasn't allowed to bring it home so I could see it and try it on DS. She is going to bring it over on sunday but we are NOT allowed to keep it here!!!!! She also won't allow DH to have his suit here (she also paid for that one) until the day before the wedding (he is best man) and he isn't allowed the rings till the day of the wedding either. I feel that she think I am stupid or something and can't look after clothes!! She doesn't want DS to wear the suit before the wedding either!....

OP posts:
Original poster
sparklymieow · 01/03/2005 18:00

useless even!!

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pinkroses · 01/03/2005 18:38

I would say you want your families clothes kept at your house.....if she says no, then buy your own stuff. Like you say, it's BIL wedding so why doesn't she bother them.

In-laws.....They always seem to want to control everyone. I wouldn't allow it. Once they get away with it once...things just get worse (speaking from experience)

Piggiesmum · 01/03/2005 19:28

If she's bringing it over on Sunday anyway, couldn't you say something like "It's be better to keep it here now as we really won't have time to dress ds twice on the day" (once to get to the in-laws and then again when you get there)

If she makes a fuss say something how it creates unecesary extra work and fuss on on already stressful day and (innocently" say something like " but it makes so much more sense to leave it here" and if she continues to make a fuss then it's her who looks like unreasonable not you, not that you were being unreasonable anyway but I hope you know what I mean.

Fibe · 01/03/2005 19:59

Great advice on this thread.

To add another piece - I would politely stand up to her on this matter - it is only CLOTHING - if she controls that, what else will she control?

You have my simpathies - from one SCML (sufferer of controlling MIL) to another

Original poster
sparklymieow · 01/03/2005 20:04

Thanks I was begining to think that I was being stupid and petty. She is very controlling and tries to control a lot of our life but we refuse to let her get us down!! This is the same woman that was trying to get DS off us when he was a baby, as she felt she could give more to him than us!!!

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Original poster
sparklymieow · 01/03/2005 20:05

DS is still her favourate tho, and my girls get shoved to the back burner.....

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Fibe · 01/03/2005 20:13

Come back on Sunday and let us know how you get on.

My MIL drives me NUTS. To placate her cries of "I hardly know my grandson", I offered her to have him one afternoon a week. She is so controlling that she refuses to do anything I ask her to do with my DS (now 10 months) on those afternoons, such as give him a bottle of milk (I aparently give him too much milk), change his pooey bottom (she didn't know he needed changing in the 6 hours she took care of him ), or give him a nap (they were too "busy" ). I wish she would just go away, but what can I do ... she is his grandmother.

Anyway, didn't mean to rant - just wanted you to know you are not ALONE.

Good luck.

misdee · 01/03/2005 20:14

hit her with a packet of fags.

BethAndHerBrood · 02/03/2005 14:37

.....or a brick.

Original poster
sparklymieow · 02/03/2005 14:39

I actually had to phone her today to ask what colour the suit actually was (haven't seen it myself, only in cataloge) as I was in Asda and saw some lovely shirts in DS size. She was going "but he can't wear a shirt underneath because of the style, he will be ok with a tshirt" I said "what if he wants to take the jacket off, he can't be wearing a tshirt at a wedding!!" I brought one anyway!!

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Beetroot · 02/03/2005 15:13

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Original poster
sparklymieow · 02/03/2005 16:14

I wouldn't be worried if she let me pay for the damn suit, but because she has paid for it, she is controlling it because she can. I did buy DS a shirt to go with it even tho she said not to..... one up to me, me thinks!!!

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serenequeen · 02/03/2005 16:18

i agree with everyone else who said that the only way you can regain control of the situation and your dignity is to buy your own outfits for dh and ds - sorry but there it is. good luck

Bozza · 02/03/2005 16:21

But she really can't for DH can she - if he is best man and has to match BIL?

Original poster
sparklymieow · 02/03/2005 16:22

I am going to say it makes sense to keep the suit here when she brings it over on sunday, if she kicks off I will just say that I will pay for it and then its not a problem

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Beetroot · 02/03/2005 16:23

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Original poster
sparklymieow · 02/03/2005 16:25

OK beetroot I guess you are right. If I let her see it gets to me, she's won, hasn't she? I will smile politely and suggest that the suit get left here.

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Beetroot · 02/03/2005 16:28

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Original poster
sparklymieow · 02/03/2005 16:30

because she is a control freak and she has tried to control our lives for 8 years now, and I ain't about to let her get her way!!! lol

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Beetroot · 02/03/2005 16:32

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Original poster
sparklymieow · 02/03/2005 16:40

I was being silly on my last post, she is a control freak BUT I won't let her get to me. I would like the suit here, but I guess she isn't going to let me so oh well....

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Beetroot · 02/03/2005 17:05

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Chandra · 02/03/2005 21:35

Honestly speaking... the clothes belong to her as she paid for them and she can do as she wish with them. However, the kid and man belong to you and you can decide if they should wear the outfits. If you don't want her controling your life don't accept any money or favours from her. As my MIL says "If I pay I decide". She is right, that's why we won't let her pay for anything or accept expensive gifts.

Freckle · 03/03/2005 04:19

I don't necessarily agree that whoever pays decides what happens. I wouldn't dream of buying something for, e.g., one of my nieces or nephews and then telling them where they could keep it/when they could wear it.

At the end of the day, sparklymieow asked her MIL to order the suit for her and then MIL offered to pay. Nice gesture, but it doesn't give her the right to dictate what happens with the suit.

WideWebWitch · 03/03/2005 06:04

I would tell her how it's going to be: either you get the clothes at YOUR house or your dh and ds wear something else, simple as that. I bet she backs down given that ultimatum. Stand your ground, be calm, I bet she caves. What a horrible woman!