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Original poster

Big Big fall out with MIL! Long...

29 replies

ELR · 30/09/2008 12:45

Lastnight mil phoned up to ask dh to check on internet for flights to Perth as they want to visit sil 3rd time in less than a year, I said to mil that maybe she should visit the grandchildren she has in this country for a change!!!
they have been to visit us once since last october we live about 1hour 15mins away, although we have been to them and also seen them at a few family gatherings, we have also just moved house so thought they would want to visit!!(we have invited them loads of times)

Anyway got a text from her later on saying she did not deserve the comment and she was upset.as they are always there for us ect ect,
I phoned her back straight away and told her she did deserve the comment and that my kids were missing out and thats why i made the comment, my kids hardly Know them. I was not rude to her and said that i was sorry she was upset. She was making all sorts of excuses about them being busy ect and that she was suprised i felt this way, it ended with me saying well thats my opinion and a swift goodbye!!
Dh has two other brothers who live about same distance away who they regulary visit.

i am just so annoyed and i suppose hurt that they cant seem to find time to visit my kids, we never ask them for anything but all dh sibblings are always lending money from them, dh says it doesnt bother him but it does me!!!!
Rant over!!!

OP posts:
oranges · 30/09/2008 12:46

why on earth did you get involved? surely its up to your dh to ask that of his mother.

MamaG · 30/09/2008 12:48

My PIL have only visited us twice since we moved 4.5 years ago.

I'm not bothered TBH, we visit them regulalry. 2 of DH's sisters never go see them so PIL make the trip to go see them

Dunno why it doesn't bother me - think I'd rather go se ethem then I can leave when I've had enough(!) plus they always moan taht the tohers don't go see them, that we're the only ones who make an effort.

Think you might have been a tad mean ELR

ForeverOptimistic · 30/09/2008 12:49

Oh dear.

deanychip · 30/09/2008 12:50

hm, similar converstaion with my mil the other day.

so sympathies chuck.

Northumberlandlass · 30/09/2008 12:54

My MIL who lives a 5 minute drive away has been to our house once in 4.5 yrs. I haven't seen her since before last Christmas and DS (her 10th grandchild) sees her once every few months. My DH is very bothered as she always makes the effort to see her other grandchildren. I have tried and failed in the past to build a relationship with her, so what more can I do ? My DS has my DP near by and they dote on him.

You are obviously very upset about their lack of contact, it doesn't bother me. It's her loss.

xx

coppertop · 30/09/2008 12:58

I agree with Oranges. I know it's not a nice situation to be in (my mum's like this) but I really think it should have been left for your dh to deal with. Otherwise it just gets messy.

bran · 30/09/2008 13:01

Perhaps she doesn't feel very welcome in your home. What you said to her may be true, but it sounds as though you were spoiling for a fight. I agree with Oranges too, anything that needs saying to in-laws other than the very trivial should be said by your DH.

Original poster
ELR · 30/09/2008 13:02

i am upset for the kids, dd had grandparents assembly at school on friday and said to me she did not have anyone to invite i suggested she invite mil and fil but she just said no dont think they will come.
My parents live up north and work full time so could not ask them dh parents are both retired,
Ds is nearly three and when who looks at pictures he doesnt recognise inlaws

OP posts:
unavailable · 30/09/2008 13:03

Ahem - Perhaps she doesnt like you?

BroccoliSpears · 30/09/2008 13:06

But she is visiting her daughter in Australia. And having a lovely holiday in the sun. What have your children got to do with it?

If you wish your children to have a closer relationship with their grandparents it is an entirely separate issue.

hatrick · 30/09/2008 13:11

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hatrick · 30/09/2008 13:12

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PTA · 30/09/2008 13:16

Even if your mil doesn't like you as per Broccli's comment, you would still like to think that she would spend equal time with all grandchildren.

My pil's are awful and see very little of my two ds's but practically live with their other ds. My parents have 5 grandchildren including my two and although there is quite a big age range the children are treated equally.

I know it's upsetting ELR and I went through the "why don't they ile me/want to know their grandchildren?" phase but I have eventually got to the stage of "well if they can't be bothered then the kids are better off without them!"

It is your mil's loss that she doesn't want to spend time with your children but ask yourself if you really want someone like that spending time with your kids.

Lastly, I know that you may have to deal with the question from your children at some point on why granny doesn't spend time with them but does with their cousins and if anyone has any suggestions on that one then please let me know.

wannaBe · 30/09/2008 13:16

I think you were well out of order tbh.

Whether she visits your children or not is one thing, but whether she visits her daughter in australia 3 times a year is frankly none of your business.

If your dh feels that he would like her to have more of a relationship with her gc then that's something he can discuss with her. But if this is the way she is treated by you then tbh I don't blame her for not visiting.

Sanctuary · 30/09/2008 13:22

ELR Think you are right
I had the same "out of sight out of mind".conversation with MIL
She ignored me the following day which was funny as she was in our home

We never make demands on them like dh brother and sisters

In the end its their loss not mine and I am NOT going to keep telling the kids about them so that when they do come they can relate to them

Original poster
ELR · 30/09/2008 13:22

both ilaws agree we are the only ones who dont take them for granted ie lending money expecting them to bail us out ect .
mil is always moaning about that she has to sort everyone out ect.
unavailible--your comment was pointless
Oranges-- i have been part of family for last 13 years so dont think it matters who brings up the issue dh was not bothered that i said something
I was proberbly spoiling for a fight in a way,
as i was annoyed as she only phoned us to find something out not to see how we were
Broccolli-- i have no proplem with them visiting sil and yes its nice and sunny my point is that they are happy to travel half way around the world to see their other grandkids but not 1 hour 15 to see mine,

OP posts:
Salleroo · 30/09/2008 13:24

Daughters and DILs are two very different things. My mother would definatley visit me a lot more then her DIL.

I would never challenge my MIL, i'd get DH onto the case if I had an issue. In my case she was overstepping the mark though.

I'm with unavailable, maybe she doesnt like you?

Inlaws, pain in the bum if you ask me.

LucyJones · 30/09/2008 13:27

'they have been to visit us once since last october we live about 1hour 15mins away, although we have been to them and also seen them at a few family gatherings, '

so exactly how many times have you seen them in the last year?
probably more than she's seen her daughter by the sound of it
I think yabu, you should have left it to dh
Was it worth a big family ruck for just one comment
sometimes it's better to say nothing it really is
now you'll just feel awkward around each other so what was the point? life is too short

Uriel · 30/09/2008 13:33

Actually ELR, I think it was worth it to say something. Maybe now it's been said, they'll realise you're right.

Original poster
ELR · 30/09/2008 13:35

perhaps she doesnt like me but that is a pointless comment as the issue is not me its my kids and dh is her son
lucy you are right sometimes things are better left unsaid

OP posts:
hatrick · 30/09/2008 13:37

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Message withdrawn

LucyJones · 30/09/2008 13:38

I feel for you
If she had said 'ok then ELR I won't go to Oz I'll come and stay with you instead' you'd have felt awful
Maybe dh can clear the air for you xxx

Sanctuary · 30/09/2008 13:39

It took me 4 years to say someting to my MIL I dont regret one bit. But I didnt like being ignored in my home the next day.telling my dh that I was obviously drunk the night before

When they do come they come for a week

They are coming tomorrow the first time in just over year
Dh is going to be at work and the dc are at school they would`nt come in the school holidays .So that just leaves me to entertain them in the day

Be carefull what you wish for
P.S I will be drinking everynight

compo · 30/09/2008 13:40

my parents don't come to see us as much as I personally think they should and I too feel for me and the kids . I have occasionally made a side comment (being too gutless to tell them how I really feel) and then I just feel awful afterwards
Occasionally dad will say on the phone 'I feel bad we haven't been for a while' and I of course say 'oh no, don't worry, I know you have loads to do with other grandchildren etc'
I really am crap!

compo · 30/09/2008 13:42

sanctuary - that is my worst nightmare with my inlaws. I would tell dh firmly that is not going to happen
But now that it has for you I would send them off on the school run alone, oragnise hair cuts for you, go for coffee, take them to dh's work to have lunch with him while you do the food shop etc