Why do I have instigate Sex?

[noteasy]

Been married for a long long time, but ever since the first few months, it always has to be me that makes the first move.

When I do, the sex is great and DH is very good at it and a considerate and skillful lover, who obviously enjoys it, but he never ever makes the first move? It makes me feel like he doesn't fancy me, although he says he does, lots.

There's another man I know, who has made it clear he does fancy me and would have sex often with me given the chance. I have been very strong willed and stayed well away, but it's not easy.

What can I do to get DH move involved? We have talked and he always says he does love and fancy me (and I belive him actually) and that he will try harder, but it never happens.

Not really sure what to advise you but didn't want your thread to go un-answered. I'm sure there are many wise ladies of mumsnet who will be able to help.

Will say one thing though, DO NOT have an affair with this other man. Sex with him may make you feel desired/fancied at the time but I bet you'll feel like shit afterwards, not to mention the fact that it will ruin the relationship you have with your DH.

Good Luck xx

I would speak honestly and frankly to your DH, he may be quite shy about instigating sex as i am but you may beable to help him along and give him some reassurence.

noteasy - i know just how you feel. I have to initiate it it too, if i want it. It's now got to the stage i'm not sure if we have a future (there are other issues tho)

Perhaps he doesn't feel he needs to because you do. Or he may like to have y ou do it, it may be a turn on for him. Have you actually told him in so many words that you would actually like him to instigate sometimes???? Sometimes they need it spelling out and hinting doesn't penetrate.

know how you feel - I suffer similar. Drives me crazy. I think in a long term relationship this can have a very adverse effect on things. We are also looking at whether to continue together due to me bringing it to a head a month or so ago. I reckon without this one issue I'd have been able to deal with lots of others. Feeling loved desired and attractive goes a long way on my book. Sad though that might be.

I agree, you should tell him straight, maybe in a letter if you feel weird about face to face - a letter could be sexy in its own right. Then not moan or whinge but wait to see what he does. And hope he bloody well does something!

men! pah!

i think habits get set in stone - i tend to be the one who initiates sex and dh always says yes - in the past he has initiated it and ive not wanted to, so it has become easier for both if it is me that does

but of course now id like him to initiate!!

best thing to do is get him drunk, look sexy, and see what happens..! your dh that is not random desperate man

How about some male perspectives on this? I think I can provide it .

Have also been married for long time and DW and I are the only sexual partners we've ever had maybe???

Anyway - I guess my main comment is that in all the years we've been together I don't recall any occaision when a request from DW has not been fulfilled. Thats not to say its only a one way street!! However sometimes DW may suggest earlier in the day / evening and then after putting dcs to bed etc etc I'm ready and then something has happened later in the day that just puts her in totally the wrong mood. Sometimes we try to re-kindle but often it just doesn't happen - but we know when we do get down to it its great and . Like some other threads on here its not x times every week - tend to be a bit up and down over any month or so. hope that helps gals

Noteasy, I have been in that position...and the other guy fancying you is kind of an amazing feeling...when your own partner doesn't seem to be showing much interest. I talked to my dh a lot about it, aactually we argued a lot, but it has helped. Don't think he realised...and basically was just being lazy...hard to talk about though...but know how you're feeling...
watch out for the other guy, is a tricky situation.

I am in a similar situation. My husband rarely instigates it, but has always been the same... give or take the first few months! It bothers me sometimes. HOWEVER, and a BIG however......whenever I instigate it, it ALWAYS happens and is ALWAYS fabulous.

You sound like sex is good for you too. Your husband sounds like mine. He loves you and he likes to please you. Why on EARTH would you want and go and get it elsewhere?!!!! It sounds as simple as your husband has a lower sex drive than you. I have a much higher sex drive than my husband, but have got used to it. Surely the problem comes when he starts turning you down and your sexual desires are not satisfied. But they are, when you need it. You have made it clear that if you instigate it, it happens. You have made it clear that he tells you he fancies you and loves you. You believe him. You have SO, SO much, but you still want more...... ? Do YOU love HIM?

Perhaps your DH doesn't instigate in case you turn him down?

Have you asked him why?