Dh doesn't want sex, so sorry but I am asking for some insight again.........

[mrsshapelybottom]

Once again I am asking for some help to either just vent or gain some insight into how DH is feeling. I have posted before about my DH having no interest in sex, we have been together for 8 years and this has been an issue for all but the first few months.

This comes to a head every few months and nothing ever gets resolved. DH admits he has issues around sex but will not consider counselling. His reason is that he wants to try to work things out himself before he speaks to someone. I feel like tearing my hair out. There are deep issues on DH?s part which I really really do feel for him about, but it seems that DH doesn?t want to/can?t face them.

The reason I am posting today is that last night we were settling into bed and DH said he couldn?t sleep because his head was swimming (had a very busy and stressful day at work) and I asked him if a BJ would help (sorry if this is crude but I enjoy this!) to which he replied that he wouldn?t ask anyone to do that because he hadn?t washed all day. I suggested baby wipes but he just said that was too much to ask anyone & made out it was some kind of huge awful sacrifice he was saving me from.

The thing I am most confused about is that he literally paws at me all the time, he is very physical outside the bedroom, always wants cuddles and reaches out his hand when I walk past him, pinches my bum and calls me sexy & gorgeous. I just cannot equate this with a man who has no interest in making love with me. Almost every time we do have sex I will be the one to initiate it. Even last week I was trying on some clothes and I went downstairs in me undies and a pair of stilettoes. Dh did make all the right noises but it felt as though he was saying what he thought I wanted to hear.

I love him so very much but the longer this issue continues between us I can feel myself start to resent him and what use is that in a marriage? I feel like a failure, I keep wondering if I am the most vile woman who ever walked this earth, do I stink to high heaven or I am so repulsive that my own DH can?t even bear to sleep with me? I can?t deal with the excuses which make no sense to me and I feel selfish & like a cheap tart for wanting to have a physical relationship with my DH.

This morning we had little chance to talk (3 smallies) but I told him this is destroying me and I don?t want him to touch me any more, it?s like he is teasing me. He slammed the front door on his way out. I don?t know how we are ever going to resolve this?..please help?thank you for reading this far, I know it's like a book

Oops, just read this back, typed it in Word and there are question marks instead of apostrophies (is that what they are called?)

It sounds like he fancies you, and loves you, but has sexual issues. He wouldn't keep touching you, and calling you sexy and gorgeous, if he didn't fancy you, but he obviously has big issues going on sexually.

How long has he been clear with you that he has a problem, sexually? How long has he been trying to sort it out? Could you say to him, ok, look, please sort this out, this is a big problem, and if you can't sort it out on your own in the next month, I need you to try to go talk to someone. These sorts of problems, from what I know, can often be fixed by talking to someone, he won't need sexual therapy per se, just regular counselling.

(That being said, the roots are likely to be deep, and it won't be fixed overnight. Trying to fix it will involve digging up lots of difficult things from his past, and may mean he is more difficult, and even less interested in sex, in the interim.)

needs professional intervention

I agree with you both, we do need prefessional help but DH just wont. He doesn't say he never will, just not now IYKWIM?

NQC this has been going on for almost our whole relationship, I married him with my eyes wide open but always in the hope that things would change, because DH always maintained this wasn't normal for him and time would heal.

I don't mind the difficulties from facing things in counselling, I just wish he would do something...

Don't blame yourself. He has the problem and this is probably from far before he even knew you. What was sex like in the begining? Was he more active? ask him what difference he feels these past few years.

I know it must be very difficult to be teased and so full of desire but copping with him makes him feel even more of a failure I guess. I can understand your actions even tho I don't think they are correct. There is nothing worse than sexual frustration, especially when you are loyal to him.

He definately needs help.

could you have counselling yourself even if he doesn't want to come too

Do you do any of the more subtle stuff, cuddling in bed, kissing? The undies and heels and the bj thing sounds very full on, demanding even, and enough to induce performance anxiety in even the most confident lover.

Agree you (ideally both) would benefit fron counselling.

When we first met we were much more activ I moved in with him about 3 months later and things tailed off quickly from there.

I am afraid of going to counselling by myself I think incase I find out something I don't want to hear. (does that make sense?) Which of course is probably how DH is feeling!

I hadn't considered that the way in which I try to initiate sex were a bit "in your face". I am having trouble funnelling my newly increaased libido (since having dc3 my sex drive has gone through the roof which isn't helping ) and maybe I could tone things down a little!

I am afraid I have been avoiding cuddling and kissing and things as a way of stopping myself getting hurt as I have been turned down so many times. This will sound very selfish but I find kissing the quickest way to get me in the mood and it is so painful when DH doesn't want to have sex. I feel as though I am being rejected as a person and sexual being.

Counselling it is! What a mess

Mrs Shapelybottom - are you married to my husband?

seriously, I could have written nearly everything you've put!

Last week, I bought some new underwear, went down to show him in underwear and stilletos and hubby did exact same thing, said 'aww, that looks great' etc etc but was obviously hardly overcome with lust!

It's always me initiating it, we've had numerous rows/conversations/heart to hearts which always end up with me feeling like a repulsive nyphomaniac and him looking like a puppy who's been kicked.

I've given up now.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply. DH & I sat and talked calmly (usually gets very heated and I end up crying!) about things and DH suggested that he see his GP to find out about bereavement counselling. We both feel that DH has sorely neglected himself since we met really, and I am hopeful that this will help DH to deal with all of the emotions he has been trying to hide from all these years. Thanks again for listening For the time being I have made a decision to myself not to come onto DH and apply any extra pressure sex-wise. I have a vibrator, I may as well start using it

aaaarrrgh, (love the name!) I'm sorry to hear you are in the same situation. It's very frustrating and demeaning. For myself and DH I'm certain it's the result of very deeply buried emotions on DH's part.

I really feel for you. Last night I said to DH that I felt like a dirty selfish tart for wanting to sleep with him when he so obviously didn't want me. It's awful to not feel desired by the man you love isn't it?

My advice would be to persist in talking to your DH even if it makes him (or you) uncomfortable - you deserve to have a fulfilling sex life and I feel strongly that a couple's sex life is a joint responsibility between 2 people. It's just not fair for the person with the lower sex drive to sit back and let things be, just because they prefer it that way.

It has taken DH & I nearly 8 years to get to the stage where he will actively seek help and the only reason is because we are at breaking point. Don't wait!

Hope no-one minds me bumping this old thread of mine, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied - it was so helpful to be able to get an outside perspective.

H & I have now been seperated for just over a year, we never could resolve our problems and he was drinking a lot - I realised I had completely fallen out of love with him and that was really the straw which broke the camel's back!

Life is tough in some ways, the past year has been hell, but exH & I are actually very good friends now which has been really beneficial for the kids. Financially I am in a precarious position as I gave up work when my youngest child was born, but I wouldn't swap my life now for all the world. I have complete control over my sex life, the kids are happy & I am slowly finding myself...I can see light at the end of the tunnel now whereas before the unhappiness was taking over.

ExH has had counselling and has more insight into what makes him tick. He has also really cut down on his drinking. In some ways, it's sad that we couldn't reach this point whilst we were still together!!

Anyway, seperation is so scary, but it has been the best thing we could have done.

Thanks again for helping

That's quite a journey, mrsshapely. I'm sorry you had to split but it sounds as if you will both be ok, even if apart. It's a sort of happy ending, though not the one you hoped for.

I didn't see your post in October, but just found it.
I don't know whether to be happy for you or sad you broke up! You do sound happier!

Did you have counselling in the end? Did it unearth things that made your DH drink?

I think I can see myself writing your OP in a few years.

AGYG, yeah it's been quite a journey alright and I am beginning to see it as a happy ending - it's been so hard to let go of all the hopes and dreams we had when we married but I guess we just get to make new ones now

CT, so sorry that you are thinking along the same lines - I think if there was one thing which would have helped myself and exH it would have been him going for counselling before I fell out of love with him - it was having my own needs ignored for so long which killed things I think. The drinking was to do with a death of someone close to exH, through him having counselling exH discovered that the lack of sex was to do with abandonment issues from his childhood. Such a relief to know it wasn't to do with me I guess! I am much happier thank you - is there any chance things could improve for you??

I hadn't seen the thread when you first posted it either . You sound SO much happier, full of energy, positive, almost sunny... living as you were living, and feeling your self-esteem slipping through your fingers casts such a blight on your life. Sad your ex wouldn't go to counselling -- what was there to lose for him? I've been in your shoes with not having needs met and not being heard in a relationship. Ex had different reasons for it from yours. Best wishes to you and your DCs.

"it's been so hard to let go of all the hopes and dreams we had when we married but I guess we just get to make new ones now"

I think that sentence should be framed and handed out to anyone recovering from a broken relationship. It's brilliant.