Please help. Need advice from wiser women than me - have I contributed to this?

[fedupandisolated]

My DH and I split up in March after I discovered a long addiction to telephone chat lines. The problem became so bad that between October and March when I left the bills totalled just over £500. As we were on a really tight budget this was dreadful. I paid all the bills (including the phone) as I had the regular income. DH paid not very much tbh as he was self employed with a not brilliant income.

I have been living with my parents for the past six months and am just making plans to move into a place with DS.

Last week I spoke with DH as we had been planning to give things another go. I told him that I couldn't and that my feelings had changed after all the hidden phone bills etc. It feels like he had an affair as he was ringing contact lines. I don't think he actually did meet anyone - just chatted but it feels the same. Betrayal, hidden secrets etc. He cannot see the parallels at all and thinks I am over-reacting.

Now for the difficult bit...... As a child I was sexually abused. I was very honest with DH when I met him and warned him that I may have problems as a result. My sex drive has never been great but after DS was born became virtually non existant and DH has been - ahem - denied for the past three years virtually. Not good I know but a combination of severe PND and my past problems has sent my poor sex drive tumbling in to oblivion.
He has said that while this situation was not to blame for his chat line problem that he felt he had "lots of bloody mitigating circumstances".

I just feel dreadful - like I drove him to it although I recognize that he is responsible for his own behaviour.

Is this right though? Am I partly to blame for this?

He was very angry when we spoke - says that there are "those scumbags on the likes of Jeremy Kyle who beat their wives up and never see their children" and yet "you can't seem to forgive this problem". Also said that he still loved me and seemed angry because I cannot say I love him any more.

DS and I are moving into a house on our own in November. DS is already saying "Yes - you, me and Tab (his cat) and Daddy all together again". He is 5 and I am just heartbroken at the thought of upsetting him. But I cannot live with this man - I just can't.

You are not to blame at all in any shape or form for what your H did and tbh if mine said that to me he would nt be getting a second chance.

Your son will be fine with just you.

Oh you poor thing!! I don't know what to say that can help you, but you really do need to talk to someone. I know we all say this, but have you considered counselling? Either together, or alone. But please don't blame yourself - you told him something really difficult about your past to help explain your feelings about sex, and he knew about the PND, so in my book there was no excuse to betray your trust and your feelings in this way.

He may feel that the lack of sex "drove" him to this, maybe it did, but maybe it shouldn't have. Not that I have anything against these "chat" lines but when they are over-used in this way it might seem that HE has the problem, not necessarily you? It was up to him how he reacted to the situation, and he chose to do this.

I really think counselling would help you both - to help with your feelings about sex, and to help with his, too.

Wishing you loads of luck x

Your lack of sex drive does not justify him using sex lines - he has a hand, does he not?

That being said, counselling, alone or together, sounds wise. Couples counselling could help sort out your relationship - either back together, or an amicable divorce.

(When your sex drive was bad, he may well have felt rejected/unwanted/unattractive - did you still cuddle him etc etc?)

NO ypu are not to blame at all for this

I do not think it nice what your dh did BUT do you think it is possible that your relatively severe reaction could maaybe be linked?

have you thought about maybe getting some counselling together?

We will be going to Relate together definitely.

Yes NQC I do think he felt rejected. I was not always tactile. There are some times when I just do not want to be touched and this is hard. On those evenings I tend to be in bed with the iPod or a book or even solitaire on the mobile phone. Not good at all.

It didn't help that any tactile stuff seemed in his eyes to lead to sex (he would deny this though).

My severe reaction is definitely linked to my problems around sex. I cannot help this at all but DH cannot see that.

Having individual counselling, on your own, might help resolve the issues from your childhood abuse. It may be too late for this to help with this relationship, but having a healthy sex drive is always a good thing.

I think both of you need to get professional help.

You say you can't help your sexual problems, but cannot understand that your H was not able to help his either.

You both sound as if you have dysfunctional sexual identities and professional help may be able to move you through these difficulties.

I certainly wouldn't be chucking out an otherwise good marriage until I was sure that neither person's issues could be resolved, at least to the extent of making for a functioning relationship.

It is not your fault that he is addicted to sex lines - just as it is not his fault that you have other issues.

I think you both need to stop blaming each other and try and seek some kind of a solution. It won't be wasted effort if you both decide to part after therapy. Both of you will take this issues to new relationships if you don't deal with them now, in any event.

FUAI: Another vote for counselling, purely for your own good. You don't have to have sex with anyone ever if you don't want to, but good counselling will help you to feel happier within your own skin and confident that whatever sexual choices you make, you are entitled to make.

With regard to your XP and the chatlines: using porn as a way of managing his libido without pestering you is not so bad however running up huge bills doing so which you are expected to pay is selfish, unethical and wrong. There's free porn available on the internet, and magazines (and DVDS for that matter) are cheaper than chatlines. If he was living alone and wanted something to stimulate his wanking, he'd be obliged to choose what he could actually afford, wouldn't he?

Thank you all for your replies. Counselling it is then. Was planning on going to Relate anyway - either with or without DH.

My parents obviously think DH is the lowest form of life but don't understand the other stuff so it's hard.

At the moment though I just need to live on my own with DS. Am happy to have DH around but not living with me. At the moment I need some space to think and cope.

Still have NO libido.... for anyone.

...and no - when living alone in his years of bachelorhood the problem was there. He ran up huge bills and eventually had to confess all to his father and borrow the money to pay the bills. I rather foolishly got a loan for him when we were newly engaged for a "car repair" which never happened. Then it transpired he repaid a debt to his father .... but would never tell me what it was for. Now of course I know exactly what he owed all this money for.

..in other words he didn't choose anything affordable when living alone.

Fromwhat you say he is trying to emotionally blackmail you and if it were me I would steer clear. On the other hand if your past experiences are causing issues with your attitude towards sex while in a loving relationship ( I assume it was at some point) then you really should get some help with dealing with those issues. You will fall in love again I am sure and you will have sexual relationships so you need to sort through the issues that this abuse has left you with.

just read your other posts, please don'tlet him blame you for his stupidity.

OK FUAI, he has a problem here. Try to think of it as along the lines of a gambling or drug problem which may make it less particularly upsetting for you. It's easy to get sidetracked about 'porn' when the problem is the addict behaviour ie the lying and the spending far more money than he can afford. IF your DH was drinking compuslively, spending money he didn't have, lying about it etc it would be the same problem (whereas a DH who was using chatlines/porn etc to have a wank rather than pressurize an unwilling partner for sex, but using them in a way that didn't eat up the household income or inconvenience other family members would be much more forgiveable.)