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Original poster

Plucked up the courage - got turned down!

16 replies

dentedego · 29/09/2008 13:29

Hello - after a long, dry spell and after severe nerves, my friend approached the object of my desire, admired from afar, ascertained that he is single and passed him my number. He said he was interested to find out whose number it was and would get in touch.

He did, asking for clues as to my identity, I gave him some clues, he worked out who I am and I never heard back from him!

Severe ego denting here, please offer some kindness. I'm not that hideous to look at, surely? How could he not want to at least meet me and talk to me and find out if I'm worth getting to know? The sod.

OP posts:
rookiemater · 29/09/2008 13:43

I'm sure you are absolutely lovely, but tbh perhaps he was a bit spooked at the way that your friend got in touch.

I'd recommend you try internet dating. I met my lovely DH that way and whilst not every preceding date was a rip roaring success, it was a great opportunity to practice flirting and figuring out good dating clothes.

Elf · 29/09/2008 13:49

I would echo rookie and say be a bit more direct next time - sounds a bit teenagerish all that "my friend fancies you" stuff. What's the point of passing on a phone number if he doesn't know whose number it is?

Anyway, good luck with the next chap. I'm sure you'll find someone else nice soon.

Charlee · 29/09/2008 13:51

I would second internet dating, my dad went on a parents dating site and is now with a really nice lady who understand his need re his kids and also has one child of her own.

Original poster
Dentedego · 29/09/2008 13:57

Thank you. I only got my friend to pass on my number as I simply didn't have the nerve to approach him myself. Looking back, I don't know if it was right or wrong as if he really found me so repellant, then I'm glad I didn't have to witness it first hand! I suppose what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, however, I will try not to use this tactic again!
I hoped he would have a spirit of adventure about him! When he realised it was me though, he scarpered sharpish.
Why is it so hard to find a good 'un? (sigh)

OP posts:
rookiemater · 29/09/2008 13:59

See this is why you need internet dating you are taking this all too personally.

Perhaps he did like you, but found your friend approaching him odd and couldn't get past it. Perhaps he liked you but is the type of bloke who likes to make the approach himself. Perhaps he is a complete idiot once you get to know him and you had a lucky break.
There are so many variables that its impossible to understand the true reason why he didn't want to go for a date.
You just need to get over it and go out on a few dates.
Oh and I do know how hard it is, I was efectively single for 6 years before I met DH.

littlelapin · 29/09/2008 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 29/09/2008 14:00

His loss.

NotQuiteCockney · 29/09/2008 14:09

Better to be more straightforward, I think.

Thing is, he got given a number. Presumably he leapt to thinking (hoping?) it was the number of someone he particularly fancied. So when it turned out to be someone else, he lost interest. I think the coy thing is overrated.

Better by far to just ask the person yourself, or call them yourself and be clear about who you are! If you're the interested one, you should be calling, ideally with a plan, a movie or whatever you want to go see with him.

Original poster
Dentedego · 29/09/2008 14:41

I'm not usually coy, just had a couple of bad experiences and it took me months to feel slightly attractive again. Now I do (yay!), I was overcome by nerves and the inability to just go and ask him out. I feel very silly now!
He works in a shop that I go into quite alot, so I figured that I didn't want to totally embarrass myself and ask him out if he wasn't single/is gay/not interested/whatever! So, hence me and my friend came up with this plan. When he said to her that he was interested to find out who his secret admirer was, I got all hopefull... I was going to suggest meeting for a drink after work, maybe get a bite to eat. But maybe it is indeed that he fancies someone else and was hoping it was them.
Never mind - I shall keep on looking. I might have a peek at internet sites later on today. I want a man! (not in any desparate way though, mind!).

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 29/09/2008 15:18

chalk it up to experience. getting shot down is just part of getting back on the scene and it's better to feel the disappointment and excitment than nothing.
so this guy wasn't into you, big deal.you've taken the first step and gotten back in the game.
and in fairness your approach left this guy in bad position. given an anonymous number, probably had someone in mind and then acts all interested. what's he meant to do if he finds out that it's someone who he is not into for whatever reason (e.g. he's carrying a torch forsomeone else). no nice way to say no at that point. so from now on pluck up the courage and do the asking yourself.also as others have said internet datin is a great way to get back into casual dates and meeting lots of new people.

Original poster
Dentedego · 29/09/2008 15:53

Do you know, the buzz of excitement I got was well worth it!
Note to self: Will not use teenage methods to catch me a man again. I promise.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 29/09/2008 18:45

I haven't asked anyone out in quite a while, but I used to be a big fan of a (signed) note or card. It means you can think about what you want to say ahead of time, it means they can think about it and have a composed response (e.g. if they say no, they will say it politely, and you won't see them look alarmed or whatever). And you don't have to be embarassed in front of anyone else, iyswim.

It probably is a bit teenage, but it's reasonably direct.

Blandmum · 29/09/2008 18:48

Gutsy to give a go, good on you.

Better to try a sligtly more direct route next time? and e-mail possibly

better luck next time, onwards and upwards, all that stuff!

solidgoldbrass · 29/09/2008 18:52

. Never mind. Chalk it up as a learning experience - this 'my mate fancies you' never works and though many people are thrilled with the idea of a secret admirer the finding out is always a bit of a let down (not saying there is anything bad about you but we always hope that it's Kylie/Johnny Depp/Prince Harry or something).
Nothing wrong with asking a man out, btw. It's a good way of finding out early on if he's a sexist dork who thinks women only exist for men's benefit.

blinks · 29/09/2008 19:28

sum guys just have really specific types... knob ends usually

jawjawnotwarwar · 29/09/2008 19:44

Reckon you need to get right back out there and give out your number to 10 more guys, then see what happens.

I was doing internet dating, and my friend said that you have to send out about ten 'am interesteds' to get one 'interested' back. If that makes sense.

It's not like how we were told it was going to be when we were little is it? Finding a suitable partner is one of the hardest things to do, it requires so much thought and effort. I reckon fairy tales should be banned, I would never want my daughter to think all she has to do is wait for a handsome young man to come by on his white horse and sweep her up.

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