Help me with my son please

[girlsnextdoor]

I could post this under teenagers but my son is 22.
I just need to offload here and need some perspective.

My son is about to come home after 4 years at uni. He has a temp job whilst he applies for a grad job, due to start, hopefully, next summer.
Meanwhile, he wants to live at home as it will be cheaper and he can repay some of his debts, including £10K he owes us that we borrowed for him to do his Masters.

all this sounds fine except he has the most foul temper and when he was at home before we never stopped arguing. It got so bad when he was a young teen that we had to get professional help. It was driving a wedge between me and my DH as our relationship has always been rocky.

Last night, DS brought some stuff back from uni- and he was rowing with me within a couple of hours. all over nothing- moving his stuff out of the hall as I wanted to hoover up and he said wait- DH stepped in, to support me, DS went loopy, shouting and hollering that he would do it in a couple of minutes and to leave his stuff alone.

I walked away into another room and he followed me, shouting at me, trying to put his "case" over. I tried to close the door onhim saying I had walked away to avoid talking to him as I was fed up with arguing. DH came to intervene, DS pushed him away, all manner of shouting started, with DS telling DH that I- his mum- was behaving like a fucking retard.

Two hours later he drove back to uni, for a couple of days to finish his work, then he is due to come home again for months. I have said he can't and that he has to rent a flat.

I am almost crying writing this. I love him to bits but I cannot stand this. it makes me ill. I hardly slept last night and for 4 years when he has been away at uni my health has been better than ever,my career has taken off again. When he was at home before, I was often exhausted and just really miserable.

I feel so torn- I do love him, and I know he has a bad temper. I don't know whether we need to give him another chance, say a few weeks to settle in, or carry out what we siad, which is tof ind a flat. he will be going to work with DS as his job is in the same company, so it will be inconvenient for DH if he is living elsewhere as he would have to do a detour to collect him each day, I expect.

I just feel so fed up and he was only home for 3 hours.

There's no way he doesn't care, he's your son, of course he cares.

But he also sounds very angry. And like Spandex said, tbh, I'd be very worried about how he might treat any girlfriends, given his treatment of you.

Some other thoughts:

It sounds like you mind (or are ashamed?) that your DH is calm and not 'dominant'. Surely you knew he was like this before you married him? You are who you are, he is who he is.

What do you mean when you say you always seem strong? What would happen if you let your son see how much he's upsetting you? Do you tell him how much he upsets you?

What would have happened if you hadn't hoovered? The rush to move his stuff out of the hall sounds ... well, it sounds like you don't want his stuff around. Like you don't want him around. I can understand being eager for things to get back to 'normal', and of course you're anxious about the idea of him moving back, because you had such a hard time when he was a teen. It's not ok at all that he yelled at you about this - but it also might be nice if you treated him like a grownup, and didn't get all bothered about him moving his stuff before he's eaten.

Can you keep an eye out for triggers for arguments, together? Whether or not he's living with you, this may still be a problem. This argument sounded like change was a trigger, and food, and space. Long car drives are stressful and claustrophobic, and it sounds like you (understandably!) wanted a walk on your own after that - maybe letting your son come with you was a mistake?

how's things gnd?

you know MN will be here to advise/support you.

Thanks Spandex- awaiting his imminent arrival.

Have decided with DH that we will take a hands-off approach for a few days as DS has outstanding uni work to complete - deadlines- and it is vital he does it, or masters not completed.

Then we will talk about what to do next.

Lols at him to be honest! Who does he think he is? He's a grown man with enough nous to complete a masters - he's 22 years old and sees you as 'chucking him out'? He has already left home FFS. I am shocked at how he speaks to you. He needs to grow up and realise that he is an adult now - he has to find his own flat, make his own way to work, and pay off his debts under his own steam. What's the point in you getting your money back quicker if it's through a) subsidising his living costs and b) putting up with him behaving like a shit to you in your own home. Unbelievable. Time to cut the apron strings and teach him some valuable life lessons, and not before time!