Long one - but DP and i are really annoyed and angry

[Charlee]

This is a loooongg story but i will try to cut it down as much as poss. It may also be confusing but again i will try my best, just need to vent.

DP mum and dad split when he was a baby, DP was then left for 13yrs in the hands of his mum and her many boyfriends all abused him badly one way or another.
13yrs old dp's dad come onto the scene they bond really well despite his mum constant abuse and constantly putting dp's dad down.

At 16 dp met me and moved out of his mums into my mums becuase basicly he can't hack being beaten ect by his mum.
We have ds1 and we have limited contact with dp's mum, we have ds2 and over an argument where dp's mum says some vile things about our disabled ds1 dp cuts all ties with his mum.
All this time he is still in contact with his dad and his dad's new family.

Skip forward 2 yrs to now.

Dp's dad's marriage broke down in a bad way, basicly his now ex wife waited untill he was at work and emptied thier house and took the children with no warning to live with another man.
Afew months later dp's dad's father dies.

Today we were arranged to meet up with dp's dad like we sometimes do, we travel the 2hr journey down there and dp's dads in the car park.
HIs forst words being 'im sorry but i have stictcehd you up, your mum is in the resturaunt i want you to talk.'

Dp and i are pretty gobsmacked but for dp's dad's sake we grin and bear it and sit through a very awkward dinnet and make polite conversation although nothign is said about the last 2 yrs where we havent seen dp's mum.

Then dp's dad says 'come back to mine' we do again being polite and dp's dad and mum get in a car and drive off we follow in our car to dp's dad's house.

When we get there dp's mum opens the door and asks if we want coffee and buggers off to make it, and we can tell from the way she is acting that she has been staying there for sometime and that there is possibly soe sort of relationship between her and dp's dad.

Dp's dad by the way has never got on with dp's mum.

DP is now gutted, his mum screwed him up pretty bad and he is now undergoing alot of counceling, he feels as if his dad has now betrayed him to by trying to force him and his mum together.

Really kind of messy!

Not sure what to do now, i have suggested dp ring his dad and ask exactly what is going on and then decide what to do from there, he says he is not angry with his dad so much as he feels he is trying to help but can never forgive his mum.

are they back together? unclear from your OP

Sorry i know its a jumble!

We don't know she has obv been sleeping at dp's dads for a few days at least, i personally think they may have had a rebound fling but who knows? We both think somethings going on they are very 'close'

Why are they being so secretive? Why can't they just have the bollocks to tell you what is going on? They cannot expect you to speak to them until they say 'look, this has happened, this is what is happening now, we're sorry about the secrecy' etc
Until they are honest with you I would leave them to it.

did your dp not ask why she was there?

does his dad know the history of him being abused by his mum and her long line of boyfriends?

Blimey. Not surprised dp is in a state - presumably his dad knows how dp was treated?

He must feel betrayed, poor man.

It was incredibly underhand of your dp's dad to arrange that little get together without your prior knowledge. I completely understand your dp's anger. I hope he gets peace of mind soon.

I know thats what making us and especially dp angry.

He has said if they are an item again he will except it and be civil to him mum but not like her and will be the same with his dad.

He is also worried because his mother has a past of latching onto rich men taking thier money then leaving so were worried she may do that to dp's dad.

Well, that's his dads lookout really. If his dad is prepared to handle things in such a dreadfully clumsy way then there is nothing you can do about it. YOu have to look after yourselves, and if that means limited contact, if any, with your dp's family then so be it.

well it would seem that they have gotten together again.

What your Dp went through with his mum was terrible. but he isn't a child anymore, she can only harm him if he allows her to. it may be that she has sorted herself out and wants to make a mends for what she put him through.

only your Dp will know whether this can be done or not.
It was wrong for your FIL to do this to you both but he was only trying to do what he thought was teh right thing.

I think that your DP should take the lead and speak to his mother. they need an open and frank discussion about what he has been through.
he doesn't need to forgive what has happened in the past but this may be an importamnt step towards moving on from his upbringing/

Erm no dp's dad doesn't know dp has never spoken to anyone about it and at first found it hard speaking to his dad personally since he only met him when he was 13.

We both personally think dp's dad wanted to help, he has just lost his own dad and wanted dp to make up with his mum incase anything happened to either of them.

I think it was very low of him to arrange it though and if i didn't have alot of respect for dp's dad i would have walked out.

What i will point out is that dp worships his dad and has since they met but not in a father son way, its hard to explain but dp becomes ever so polite and in awe when his dads around. This was starting to change and they were become closer untill today......

I still don;t know the full extent of dp's childhood but i know it wasn't awfull, dp was on the child protection registar from the age of 3.

I would still tell his dad that you will only see him alone - why change your attitude to his mum just because they may be sleeping together?

I actually think it's appalling that his dad would let him down and betray him by doing this behind his back

I think dp is goin to speak to his dad and ask what exactly is going on and then maybe he will find the courage to approach his mum, i think it would do him wonders but he will find it hard she has this horrible 'hold' over him and although he doesn't show it it really gets to him and he is terrified of her.

Im just trying to support him untill he feels strong enough to confront it, he is having councelling for it.

I was thinking maybe he could write a letter to his mum to get it all out in the open.

I think tis appaling DDF to, we have both said whatever happens our children will never call her nan, she said some damn right disgusting things when she found out ds1 was ill.

for your dp charlee. The only advice I can really offer is don't allow the situation to break your relationship. That's why you should really think about how much contact you really want, not just him , but you as well. You're in it together.

Yes i know i am trying not to put to much of my own feeling in (except where the children are involved) I personally hate dp's mother and wouldn't spit on her if she were on fire, she has caused so much damage to dp and he is such a nice man.
I wont let it break us i am hoping that maybe they had a fling and that will be that but i fear it may not be.

I think whatever happens DP will always want to be in his dad's life and we may have to just have very limited contact with him and state outright that his mum cannot be involved.

Thanks for your input it has helped to talk to other people about it.

DP's phoning his dad tommorrw i will update what was said.

im gonna be a bit controvercial but why does he respect his dad so much? this guy walked out on him when he was a baby and din't bother returning till he was 13.
im sure he was aware of his son's awfull upbringing so why did he not interevene?

his mother may have been crap but at least she was there.

Im not defending her or anything she has done to yoru Dp but surely his father must take some responsibility for what he went through as well.
he should not be given such a pedestal to sit upon given his past flair for unreliability.

I know, i know, i have thought that many times, dp's father is far from perfect, to give him his due he did try to contact dp all through his life but dp's mum would move house every few weeks to avoid him and social services and her huge debts, i think dp went to 7 primary schools and 4 high schools they moved so muhc and when he was 3 he had to live with his gradparent as his mum moved in with a registared pedophile and he got taken by the social services, hence the child protection register.

I undersatnd what your saying though he could have tried harder, he has spoken with dp about this and apologised as much as he can his second wife made things difficult which i know is not an excuse.

and its good that they have spoken and cleared the air.

what i am trying to say is that if he is able to look beyond his father failings and move forward to a new, better relationship...why can he not do that with his mother.

it will never change what he went through as a child but it may help what he goes through as an adult.

he should have the conversation with his mother. it will hurt and it will bring up stuff he would rather forget, but in the long term it will make the heling process a lot quicker.

I do agree wiht you but i just think that the abuse was that bad he can't forget it. I think after 13yrs of sexual, violent abuse combined with the fact she ripped his confidence and self worth to peices at every opertunity is just to difficult for him to overcome.

I think since he has proof of the fact his dad was avidly searching for him and trying to get to him he finds it easier to forgive (possibly not forget) but his mother has never muttered a sorry. Then when she said the things about ds that was it for dp. I don;t think there can be a middle ground for him he either loves her and has her in his life or hates her and doesn;t and he chose the latter.

what exactly did his mother say to you yesterday...it hardly seemed worth her being there if it wasn't to attempt to clear the air ...

I think your DP is right to cut her out of his life and he will now see his father's true colours....perhaps he is better off without either

ddn't your dp ask any questions yesterday??

Soory its taken a while to reply.

we didn't askquestion becuas quite frankly we don't want ANYthing to do woth her plus our dc's were there and we didn;t want any unpleasent coversation in front of them.

She sai nothing to do with the past but we all jsut made polie conversation about the economy and the weather ect, in fact it was really dp and i making conversation with his dad and his mum just kind of sat there like nothing was goin on, it was really quite painfull!

I think dp's phonong his dad today to ask whet the hell is going on, if there is a relationship blooming between them he is then going to tell his dad that he will carry on seeing him ocassionally but he will only ever be civil to his mother and would prefer not to have to see or speak to her at all.

I'm happy with that i think its the best of a messy situation.

I hope one day maybe after dps councelling he will be strong enough to confront his mother and eventually move on but untill then i am just going to support his decisions whatever.

Thanks again for all your advice and input.

Charlee - I feel very sorry for your p, but he sounds like a strong person... I hope that this situation doesn't throw him off course as he has obvioulsy done well to straighten himself out without any real support from either parent.

sorry mean't sorry for your DP