am I spoilt and unreasonable

[namechangefersure]

If you have husbands that work away a lot of the time, can you please share with me the expectations you have when they come home? Mine works away 70 pc of the time and when he gets back I expect him to engage with the children and give me some appreciation and affection. He does engage with the children but I always feel it's a big sacrifice and he would rather be sleeping. I don't get any a & a. He loves his job and I don't work because he's away so much.
I really don't know if I'm right or wrong to be so unhappy about this. Each gap home there are many things to sort out for us, which I can't, usually in a very short time period. Things that I literally can't do. But he rolls his eyes, sighs heavily, makes out I'm just a nag and everything about home is just awful and hard work. I'm hopping mad today for reasons I won't bore you with but involve a cancelled trip due to male horizontality. Do I need to be more understanding, am I a worse person than the rest of you?

mmm can see both sides.
You want DH to give his all to his family when he's home. Can't argue with that and can totally see why you'd want that. On the other hand, he's absolutely shattered because he's working away and just wants to rest. Can understand that too. However, you don't get any respite because you're either on your own when he's away or he's trying to chill out when he's home and has no idea what it's like running a family single handed. I work part time in a very stressful role, so absolutely see both sides of the coin. Somehow, you need to find a way of seeing what your DH is going through and show him what you are going through,
My advice: get him to take a week off work while you head off to the sun with a pal and show him exactly what is involved in keepign the household going while he's at work. But you also then need to do some sort of life swap which shows what it's like to do a 14 hour day and come home to cooking/ironing/homework as I do. Tis not easy and no right/wrong answer but you need to take a stand. Good Luckxxx

It's hard. My DH works long hours (leaves at 7am and is rarely back before 8.30pm) so it means I do all the house and children all week. Come the weekend it's 50/50 for household chores and he does the children's bath / bed routine.

This is arrangement has been in place since the moment we had children because he has to spend some time with the kids or else he'd never see them. As for chores, well it's probably fair to say he's more domestic than I am, but regardless of this I'd pretty much expect it from him whatever his tendency to domestic deity.

I do sometimes feel guilty about this as I feel that he does deserve time off, but he does go on lads weekends or goes to play golf every now and then so it's not all the time.

I've spoken to him about it and interestingly he says that he feels he should do more, particularly with the children, but I appreciate his opinion on this is probably quite rare.

So in answer to your question then no you're not spoilt and unreasonable. Yours is a long hours job too and you are entitled to a break. You're not asking him to do everything, just to share the deal which is surely the fairest option?

Thanks for long replies, very kind. Lilo I know you are right and there are two sides to it. He does work very very very hard. I just feel like he chose it, and he moved us for it, and so he should make more effort. Have just asked him to take ten days off work but I don't think it will happen. He has seven weeks leave backed up and I'm starting to think he's a workaholic. He loves his job so much. Pennies I think your husband is quite rare! Mine is very good with the children when everything is going well. But no household chores for sure. No jobs around the house, no packing or unpacking for the move. I think it bores him. It certainly bores me to death and I think, maybe I'm being stroppy because I'm bored with my own duties rather than a real justifiable reason.

I think if a father is away from his kids 70% of the time then he needs to be fully present and 100% engaged with them all the time when he is home, no matter how tired he is.

I guess he might need a day's grace to acclimatise to the change from work to home but after that IMO he ought to fully engage with home stuff, whether that's chores, finances, whatever; he NEEDS to do that otherwise he will not be a full part of the family.

Also, I would not let his choice stop you from getting a career if you want one; it may not be the right time just now but I'd certainly think about it in the future. How long till all kids at school?

DO you have any help / (e.g. cleaner / gardener) which might free you up a bit to get some time to yourself.

How old are your children?

You both need to schedule yourselves some time off duty. So it is certainly NOT reasonable for him to spend 100% of his time engaged wth the kids or DIYing.

You could maybe do this while he is away - if the kids are school age presumably you have time to yourself anyhow - but if not can you get some childcare regularly?

What about booking a babysitter for when he comes home, you can go out together, he can chill out and relax NOT at home, you can get to know each other again, and then play happy families the following day....

I appreciate the support. All my children are school age but one is difficult and emotionally draining. We went out last night but argued despite good intentions (on both sides).

I get time to myself and have friends and some activities. Work is not an option at the moment. When he comes home after trips I feel like a failure for things not being perfect .. I don't want to load him with stuff but right now due to the move I have no choice. I would like him not to resent it so much. I've done a lot of understanding over the years and I feel like it's his turn, but writing it down like that sounds so childish. I would like a hug or a kiss sometimes, or to be listened to without an eyeroll would be nice.

Pod the idea of my dh doing diy made me smile, I have to do all that stuff!

Hon, your comment on the days grace is a good one. Unfortunately he complained about the house not being ready yesterday and I jumped on his "this should be my relaxing day" comment as a result.. I was very facetious about oh lovely, can I have one of them, where do you get those from. It wasn't a very good tone. I know I'm not always right. But then I also know I'm not always wrong.

You are doing a hard job keeping the home fires burning when he is away and it sounds like you need more help.

He is not about to give you any help personally - but could he pay for some help, as he's the one earning the money? EG you mentioned packing and unpacking after a move; we paid the removal company to do that.

Perhaps some help with cleaning (even if short term) might free you up to organise things more.

The a & a aspect is more worrying. Like many men in his position, he probably associates being at home with being on holiday and doesn't understand what hard work it is for you. I don't really know the answer, but perhaps you could start by telling him what you have been doing, rather than asking him to do things.

Does he have to be away 70% of the time? if it is destroying family life, maybe he needs to consider an alternative?

If that is not possible, the he needs to be told to shape up when he is home.

I know that earning a living is important, but more important are relationships- it should not be a case of one or the other.