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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sick of being threatened

19 replies

charliechew · 26/09/2008 23:17

It's a bit of a long story really. I'm just sick of being threatened all the time. I've just had another arguement with my husband,and he has threatened to throw me and the kids out, yet again. I'm sick of it. I'm not bothered about me,myself getting thrown out,but the kids, that's a different matter. It's the same old chesnut.He comes in in a bad mood, takes it out on me and the kids, I stick up for myself and he threatens to chuck us out. During past arguments,when he's threatened to chuck us out before, I've sort of throught, yeah right,whatever. But I'm now thinking enough is enough, we deserve better. Any advice would be most appreciated. I'm a student teacher, so would I receive any help with regards to rent etc.

OP posts:

HRHMamazon · 26/09/2008 23:20

I think you should speak to SHELTER and get soe advice as to where you stand with regards to his threats. at the very least you will be able to respond with "actually no you wont because XYZ"

But to be honest i would say that if he is threatening youlike this i dont imagine the relationship is too shit hot right now in other area's.

Are the children his? if thats not too rude a question.

Original poster

charliechew · 26/09/2008 23:26

Yes the children are his,we've been together 10 years and married for five. TBH I'd rather live on my own than like this, just sick.

OP posts:

HRHSaintMamazon · 26/09/2008 23:32

If your are a student i am guessing you are not working. you would therefore qualify for certain benefits and indeed help with your rent and council tax benefit.

Shelter usually have drop in sessions at most council housing departments. contact your local branch and explain that you are unable to remain in the marital home...though i think you would be well within your rights to stay and actually kick him out!

Original poster

charliechew · 26/09/2008 23:38

Hi HRHsaintmamazon,

That was abit of a mouthful. Anyway, the trouble is, that I live basically live next door to husbands mother and brother,so I couldn't stay here. I'm surrounded by his relatives. It's a farm,and all of the houses are next to each other.

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 26/09/2008 23:41

Contact WOmen's Aid. You do have rights and while it's understandable that in your case you would not want to stay living surrounded by his relatives you would be high priority for council housing/rent etc and also he would be obliged to pay maintenance if the DC are his.
INform yourself of all your legal rights so that you know when he is bullshitting and can say so.

tabby0kat · 26/09/2008 23:41

I did look into teacher training a couple of months ago and was told I wouldnt be entitled to income support as a student you can apply for student loans etc. But I think you should get help with rent and child tax credits. Also if you own your home and are paying a mortgage it may ne worthwhile speaking to your bank as they can halt payments on the mortgage leaving you just paying the interest each month until youre back on your feet.

As for your husband I would pack his bags when he's out and and not let him back in. When he comes 'home' throw his bags through the upstairs window and refuse to let him in.If he becomes violent call the police and tell him its a domestic and he's being violent.

I've been through this myself Im a single mum of 3 and its hard work but you get through it and then wonder why you put up with it for so long.

Good luck

HRHSaintMamazon · 26/09/2008 23:42

then you would have a pretty good case for teh council to re house you.

it will depend on where in the country you are and how their housing stock works but if you have children you should be housed quite quickly.

tabby0kat · 26/09/2008 23:43

Sorry cross posted there thats even worse his family next door. But you would still be entitled to help.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 26/09/2008 23:48

the housing situation doesn't always work that way - at least not here (i've already been waiting 2 years in insecure accommodation, and have been told it will be at least another year), esp if you 'voluntarily' make your self homeless.

best thing to do would be speak to shelter/CAB/your local housing office - and at least get your name on the lists. while you don't want to leave the marital home you're in a better position if he moves out and you stop in the house - esp as you will have the children.

money wise i'm afraid I can't help you on that if student teachers can't claim IS etc etc.

they say it's better to know your rights than assume them, so know your facts of what you can/can't do then if you do have enough you can turn around to him and say well actually xyz is correct I think you'll find.

it's horrid living with a man who threatens all the time - my XH used to threaten with just about everyhting he could. it's not easy to live with. you might want to think about ringing woman's aid as well - they may well be able to give you some more pratical advice/point you in the right direction re housing.

also in my area, all housing associations etc go to the council lists, but I know thers don't and you have to register on those individually - so as I say look at all your options.

Original poster

charliechew · 26/09/2008 23:52

Thanks to everyone for your posts. I think with me, I've just come to the point where,I'm thinking,no,I'm just sick of being threatened. I'm not bothered about me really,just the kids, as I think they deserve better. I can't stay here, because of my next door neighbours. The thing that bothers me most of all,is the fact that he doen't need much of an argument to threaten to chuck us out. The scenario is the same everytime. He comes inin a bad mood, then creates an argument, I react and stick up for myself and he then threatens to chuck us out. Where do I go from here?

OP posts:

HRHSaintMamazon · 26/09/2008 23:58

yes the council can refuse you homeless status if they believe you have made yourself intentionally homeless in order to jump to the head of the que.

it is why it is essential that you speak to the housing advisors.
The breakdown of a marriage is not intentional...but be warned that if your local authority is overstretched they will use anything to try and prevent housing you.

If you are able to rent privately it may be a quicker and easier option.

tabby0kat · 27/09/2008 00:04

The council would probably put you in a mother and child home, form there you could look for suitable private rentings. You would get help with your rent if you're not working though it would be wise to speak to housing advisors first to find out exactly what you're entitled to.

Are you actually working as a trainee teacher or are you at uni?

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 27/09/2008 00:07

please before you move thou seek legal advice re the implications of the asset (I assume it's a joint home?, or is it tied to the land if it's a farm - ie non saleable?) but seek proper sound advice before moving out. as I say I knwo you might not want to stay there - but in some ways it's better to play the longer game to achieve the goal than move out quicker as it's easier iycwim - not that I mean any disrespect, but it will be harder for you I think to fight the equity/assets battle if you leave the house - at least that's from what i've heard on here)

Original poster

charliechew · 27/09/2008 00:10

I'm a trainee teacher at uni and placement, PGCE, so I get a bursary. Thanks for your help and advice. The last time he threatened to throw us out I put out an ad for local private houses and got ten replies. Maybe I need to email them. The council is really bad around here,there's no houses basically, just a massive waiting list.

OP posts:

tabby0kat · 27/09/2008 00:11

For info on benefits try www.entitledto.co.uk

Its a government based calculator which gives you a general idea of what benefits you are entitled to claim. It doesnt ask for any personal details so its completely anon. It also tells you how to claim and how to contact the relevant places.

Ive never bought a house so I cant help on that count but I do agree with the previous comment!!!

solidgoldbrass · 27/09/2008 00:20

You really do need to contact women's aid. THreats to throw you and the children out of the family home are abuse. If he's doing this, what else is he doing?

Original poster

charliechew · 27/09/2008 01:08

Oh,it's more or less the same story everytime. He get's in a really bad mood. Comes home starts an argument about anything, I defend myself,and then he threatens to throw us out of the house. Most of the time I've just let it not get to me,but tonight, he did it again and I've just decided that enough is enough and I've just had enough of being threatened. He also started having a go at me re PGCE, saying it was a waste of time (as he usually does). The at other times he has said that we will need the bursary - I'm passed caring really. I decided to the course for my kids and me,so that I could hopefully provide for them. I'm just worried about housing issues as there are no council houses available near us, the waiting list is just huge.

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 27/09/2008 01:29

CC: You would get housing benefit to enable you to rent privately, I'm pretty sure of that.
If he's threatening to throw his own children out of their home, are they hearing this? It can't be good for them.Please do contact Women's Aid, they are really helpful.

Tortington · 27/09/2008 01:39

this is his power
think about it

take his power away.

i can't see where you have said whether you own the home or not so i presume that you both have a mortgage on it?

or is this something that belongs to his parents?

if the former

tell him to get fucked that if anyone is leaving its him

find out your rights.

then the most shocking thing is to show him that you know what your talking about.

to say to him.

well if its over its over - lets get a solicitor to divide the assetts - i presume you will want visitation? based on your wages i would assume that you should give £x maintenance for the children - and dont forget you have to still pay your part of the mortgage even though your not living here

ofcourse - i wont want to stay here so i shall sell it

bet your mum and dad will be happy with that - erm not.

if its mum and dads - then i am afraid over the coming weeks and when dh is in a better mood you should fabricate a reason for getting a proper tenancy agreement in place.

if you can get it in your name - i don't know how - but you should be very manipulative to get this - devious.

make sure you have the right to stay there - you

if you need help with a draft tenancy agreement let me know

then you need a solicitor to look it over of course.

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