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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So.. the weekend stretches before me and I don't want to spend a minute of it with DP. That's really bad, isn't it?

50 replies

WhatsupDoc · 26/09/2008 22:24

I am slowly coming to the realisation that I am a hundred times happier if I'm not in the presence of DP.

We have two young DDs (DD2 is 3 months old). He is quiet and uncommunicative at the best of times. I have posted on here about him before and the consensus of opinion was borderline aspergers - I'm not 100% convinced but that gives you an idea of his personality.

I finally have the family I've always wanted, two gorgeous girls, but DP is so difficult and moody to be around (said 'what's the f**g point in life') after getting home from (low-paid non-stressful)work recently. Helps out with DDs but is tense and moody and short with them.

Worst of all when I speak to him about this either denies it all or puts on a stupid saccharine voice and tells me he can't be happy all the time, can he.

I am aching for us to be a happy family unit but what can I do if he won't play fair?

So, the weekend looms again.. I would love to fill it with fun family things - bit of gardening, a walk, take some photos of our beautiful DDs, bit of DIY maybe.. but as DP is ILL (a cough) I know it's going to be an even more depressingly gloomy weekend than normal.

I am wondering whether this is just normal, and perhaps I am too sensitive to let other people's mood rub off on me. But how can I stay happy and cheerful if he's huffing and puffing looking like the world's going to end? I can't, can I?

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 28/09/2008 22:42

nothing wrong with lifecoaching if you see an INLPTA or other professional body-registered person! Absolutely ZERO to do with GMcK.

WhatsUpDoc - it does seem as though your man might be somewhat depressed and even though he listens and concentrates when you talk, he might not actually KNOW how to change. Or perhaps he is so worried that he won't get it right that he is edgy and eggshelly himself, which makes it worse.
Or he could just be miserable feck.
I have to say, his whinging after your weekend time away is pathetic - very "me me me" - but it might be a sort of "why don't you love me?" cry as well.

Can't know over the internet, but he needs some kind of assessment for sure. Good luck!

mrsruffallo · 28/09/2008 22:46

It's very hard for you what'supdoc, your baby is still very young and 2 is quite a full on age.
I think he should be helping you out and asking you what you need, not expecting you to mother him as well.
But you know this already.
He would completely exasperate me, if you care enough to save it then you need to have another frank discussion with him

theresathought · 28/09/2008 23:00

Sorry to hear you've had a tense weekend Whatsupdoc.

I think some kind of intervention, be it relationship counselling or your DP (and you?) seeing the GP about possible depression would be a really positive step forward. You don't seem at all happy about things continuing the way they are so it's worth trying to change things in some other way than having the same old conversation with your DP.

If he is depressed though, with medication or some other kind of help, he may be different but I'd be surprised if he changed radically into an outgoing, extrovert man who wants to spend weekends doing lots of things he never did before. Be realistic about what you could expect from him, even in his 'best' self.

If you want a family life which is very different from what you've got now, you might, like Monkeygi suggests, just be with entirely the wrong person. It's a scary thought but probably better to accept that then stay with your DP but end up resenting him for not being what you need in partner.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

mistlethrush · 28/09/2008 23:07

Just a quick note - a friend had a partner for some time who she now thinks had aspergers - I didn't know it at the time, but it sounds as though as she was really brought down by his attitude and general approach to life. He was unable to relate to what she was doing, going through, putting into the relationship etc, and was only able to see what he considered that he was getting out of it (or putting into it) - it was an impossible situation for her. But this wasn't evident to anyone else as a different 'front' was put on by xdp when anyone else was around. It can be really difficult to be in this situation with someone suffering from this condiiton - even borderline.

I hope things work out for you.

Original poster
WhatsupDoc · 28/09/2008 23:10

Thanks, I really appreciate these replies.

I suppose I'm scared of being single - not for me, but for my daughters. Surely a life with their (moody) father has got to be preferable to a life with me as a single mum with dad visiting once a month if they're lucky? (if we split up I'd move back down south - am currently living in DPs home territory 400 miles away from my home)

That said, I don't want to spend the rest of my life a martyr. This is really bloody hard

OP posts:
overthehill · 28/09/2008 23:11

I think Relate could be a good move if he's prepared to try it: my dh works for them and has worked with quite a few couples/individuals with Asperger's, so it's not as though it's impossible to help - although I'm sure more difficult.

Original poster
WhatsupDoc · 28/09/2008 23:13

mistlethrush thanks, I can totally relate to that - I WISH there were secret cameras in my home so I could show people what really goes on. I know if I left friends/family would be aghast - he is so quiet, sweet and unassuming in company - I know noone would believe he has this negative side. Which is really annoying!

OP posts:
Monkeygi · 28/09/2008 23:21

Please don't think I'm advocating that you leave him right now, by the way. Just trying to say it's sometimes for the best and life 'the other side' can be better. One last thought though, with regards to your daughters. Can you say, hand on heart, that your dh is the type of man you'd like to see them married to? Maybe that will give you the answers you need. I do wish you the best of luck with this.

thumbwitch · 28/09/2008 23:22

Perhaps there is some kind of help group "living with a partner with Asperger's" or something that could offer more advice? Even though you don't know he has it, it might still help you.
Or you could get him diagnosed and then that would at least help you understand more why he is the way he is, even if it doesn't make it any easier to live with (but perhaps it would if you knew he couldn't help it and wasn't doing it deliberately?)

BreevandercampLGJ · 28/09/2008 23:23

DH and I have been together for nigh on 20 years and married for 16 of those. This weekend we had a great weekend away with friends, but part of the plan was for the boys to go off and do stuff this morning, we got together again five hours later.

I missed him, not in a huge needy way but I wanted to share things with him.

If being apart from your DP does not make you feel....lonely is too big a word for it, but slightly something you can not put your finger on. Then it really is time to take stock.

mistlethrush · 28/09/2008 23:26

WuD - only you know's what's going on 'behind the scenes' - if I'd know what was happening to my friend I'd have told her that she needed to leave much sooner than she did - it wasn't good for her at all. I'm not saying that this is definitely the best outcome for you. However, I just wanted to let you know that other people have been in a similar situation with a partner that is border-line aspergers... and anyone can find themselves in a relationship with someone like this and find it very difficult to 'get out' even if they do not have the additional tie of children with the p....

mrsruffallo · 28/09/2008 23:26

I agree Bree, I think it is a bad sign if you are not looking forward to him coming home frm work/ the weekend together

Original poster
WhatsupDoc · 28/09/2008 23:30

Thanks monkey.. that's an interesting question..

Honestly? Yes, I'd be happy if they married someone like him - IF - he was in a fun and happy mood at the time..

Never want them to have doubts like I'm having

And would want them to have the courage to walk away if they weren't 100% sure

Which is the decision I will make, if I have to (not tonight though, I promise!)

thumbwitch tbh if he was diagnosed with aspergers I think I'd walk away - because then I'd KNOW there was no chance of things ever changing. At least at the moment there's still a glimmer of hope

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 28/09/2008 23:32

maybe then it would be a good thing to get a diagnosis and give you a reason to make that decision? but it's all part of the "do I want to break this up" thing, isn't it.
Good luck with it, I hope you get some resolution ((hugs))

Original poster
WhatsupDoc · 28/09/2008 23:35

Bree/MrsR - so what does this tell you - I always look forward to seeing him, but within about 5 mins I'm frustrated!

e.g. I might come home full of gossip/ideas/enthusiasm but as it's not reciprocated I get really deflated.

I think it's cos when we're apart I think fondly of the good stuff, and when we're together the reality is rather different..

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatsupDoc · 28/09/2008 23:36

mrsruffalo I do get that feeling with my mum though

OP posts:
callmeovercautious · 28/09/2008 23:39

Is he a procrastinator? i.e does he make big plans in his head/talking with you and then never follow them through?

I find DH can be like this. I get all excited that we are going to make a change and then he does nothing about it. Somethings are big somethings are fairly small (the walk in the park type things). Sometimes he will come along as I have made it happen and he just sulks. It is a desperate feeling isn't it?

However if you just manage your own time and let him filter in as he wants to you might find things start to work out more. I have several friends who do this, they just plan the weekends for themselves and DC and if DH/DP joins in then that is great - they do tend to after a while as they realise they are missing out a bit.

mrsruffallo · 28/09/2008 23:43

Lol What'sUpDoc
I think there's hope if you look forward to seeing him
He needs to wake up and make you laugh once in a while
Get your mum to talk to him

mistlethrush · 28/09/2008 23:46

I know that my friends xdp would be a complete a* to her right up to the time anyone else turned up, at which time he turned into someone fairly normal... In the background he was turning her life into hell...

lucyellensmum1 · 29/09/2008 09:56

WuD, i really think that you BOTH need counselling, either seperately or apart. Reading your threads is almost like reading mine when i am on a downer. Of course i don't know how things really are for you at home but it does sound like you both need a helping hand. God knows i have asked my DP to get help, living with me, the poor sod needs it, so i am certainly not minimising how awful this must make you feel.

Sometimes, i try to hard to make things PERFECT and if they are not, well then im not interested at all if that makes any sense. It is so easy to get into a rut, terribly difficult to get out of it. Sometimes i think a major change is the only thing.

You said in your first post that he has a "low pay, low stress job" to me, that reads unfulfilling and boring, so i would come home miserable from that. MAybe he needs to be challenged more? Of course in his state of mind he wont realise that.

What makes you think he has aspergers, that is quite a diaganosis to make

lucyellensmum1 · 29/09/2008 10:08

With regards to the weekend, if my DP had taken himself off to his mothers because i was ill. I would have been exactly the same, instead of seeing it as a welcome bit of peace and quiet i would have turned it into a major "you don't love me anymore" drama. Its just that being depressed makes you so terribly selfish and blinkered to peoples good intentions

TheHedgeWitch · 29/09/2008 12:27

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TheHedgeWitch · 29/09/2008 12:29

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saturdaykid · 29/09/2008 12:59

Whatsupdoc, his behaviour must be very hard for you, especially as you have a new baby to deal with, it's really not on. HOWEVER, your dh sounds very depressed to me. You say that he says things like 'what's the f**g point in life'- this is classic depressive speak and I think you need to get him to your gp or failing that ask for help from your gp yourself, on how to get him to accept help. The fact that he can't seem to understand how you're feeling also points to depression, depressives often feel very 'blank' and unrespsonsive and, through no fault of their own, can be horribly selfish - it's a very selfish illness. My sympathies, it's very sad that you have to deal with this as well as your two young children - please do try and get help from your gp.

tattychief · 02/10/2008 20:39

Wow! I can't believe how many posts on this thread could almost have been written by me.

My DH is lovely but massively grumpy much of the time. He's going to a course about his depression/anxiety, but isn't doing any of the exercises. We have a 4mo DS, who is gorgeous. We're both underslept and struggling with the usual new baby stuff, but DS is relatively easy (though he ended up in SCBU when he was very little, which was horrible, but that's another story). I know this is a hard time, and am not expecting it all to be simple but the rows and sulks are really grinding me down. To top it all, earlier this week, out of the blue, DH asked me if he was really the father. Yes he is, and there should have been no doubt, but I think part of his depression is extreme paranoia at times. I felt so hurt and insulted, and I feel like I've lost a lot of trust in him. I am so often angry at him for not making more of an effort to pull himself out of his gloomy rut and come back to enjoy our lovely DS.

This is the first time I've ever posted to MN but I've found so much help previously from lurking. Hope this isn't a hijack, but it's been so helpful to know that other MNers are feeling the same kinds of thing.

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