My mother ran off with my boyfriend, will i ever trust again?

[MrsParker]

This happened 7 years ago now, i had a boyfriend, with him nearly two years. Not a very good bloke, hit me, drunk too much, disappeared regularly. My mum knew this and i assumed she hated him.
Anyway, my dad was away, and i offered to take my mum to the pub with me and my boyf. We all drank too much. Went home, i passed out. Vaguely remember waking up and he wasn't next to me. Next day, I went to work, when i called my boyf he was still at my parents home. Found this suspicious as he never stays there.

Too cut the story short, i accused them of sleeping together, my mum told me i was being paranoid. My boyf that i was sick in the head to accuse them. Few days later they both disappeared. Came home from work, all my mum's stuff gone. Same day my dad got back. My dad lost it, that my mum had left him. Tried to kill himself. Told him about my suspicions, everyone thought i was mad.

Truth finally came out few months down the line. Found her car written off near where we live with his stuff in it. She admitted it. On the phone, she said she did me a favour. As far as i'm aware their still together 7 years on. Never spoke to her or seen her since. I've been married and divorced. Now in a relationship with dp, one ds together 6months, we're going to relate as i can't trust him. Never done anything that i know of to hurt me. But i'm constantly looking for signs he's cheating. Like i don't want to be made a fool of again. The councellor at relate says i need to get angry and not let my mother ruin my life. But its so painful. You think you can trust your own mother. she raised you. loved you. Then she's gone. She's missed out on the birth of my daughter from 1st marriage, now 4. and my ds 6months. She's never even tried to contact me. so so hard. punishing dp all the time for a betrayal from the past. Any ideas?

MrsP, just read your post about your parents both having affairs. Sounds like they had a very unhealthy marriage and it's tragic that you got caught in the final act.

That being the case, you may never get an apology - your mother may have felt that any affair she had was justified. Please seek some individual counselling and yes, writing a letter will be very helpful to you, as Meerkat says, but don't post it. Just writing will help work out some of your anger and hurt.

Tanee58 thank you for your post. Was feeling a little rocked after hearing that my experience was not that bad.
I do sympathize with the relationship my mother was in, and can understand she wanted out, and my exboyf was her way out.
I am aware that they are still together,don't know if there happy or not. After all the pain she caused me I hope she at least found happiness with him, but I doubt it. I confided in my mother about my then relationship,i suspect she gets the same treatment i did.
My younger sister passed away nearly 4 years ago, she was my best friend, she had contact with our mother, but we never discussed her. When my mother left she walked away from me and my younger brother and sister. When my sister was dying (24yrs old), we asked if she wanted our mother there and she didn't. So she passed away, my mother never got to say goodbye, she didn't come to her funeral. I imagine this would of caused her alot of pain, it was her baby after all. So i think she will of felt some pain from what she did.
I guess i did just get caught up in my parents rubbish relationship. Going to relate has realy led to the resurfacing f a lot of pain, i hope i can work through it and have a more healthy relationship with dp as a result.

MrsP I can totally relate to why you feel the way you do. Don't let anyone try to convince you you're acting unreasonably in not wanting to hold an olive branch out to your mother, or not seeming prepared to "move on" or "let it go". Yes, some might say it might be healthier to do that but you have to move at you own pace and do what feels comfortable and right for you.

I haven't been in the sme situation as you exactly but I have sufferred a family betrayal which, although it has left me feeling like I don't ever want to see or speak to that family member again, I'm sure if others who could be dispassionate about it were to give their view on it they'd think I was being unreasonable not to want to forgive or "move on" and try to "build bridges".

I can totally understand why you feel like you do about your mother, why you feel angry and hateful towards her for all she's done to you - and for what she's done to your children and subsequent relationships as a result of her inexcusable actions.

I firmly believe that as a mother there are lines you just don't cross where your children are concerned. Your mother is possibly the one and only person in your life who you should feel able to trust and rely on - without question or condition.

I wish you all the best with your counselling. I really hope it can go some way to helping you deal with this horrendous betrayal and the trauma it's caused you since it happened.

If you're feeling that RELATE counselling is a bit softly, softly why not try going to your GP and discussing the possibility of having some psychotherapy which you should be able to have on the NHS? If it's affecting your life to the extent that it seems to be it's worth a try. It's clearly eating you up.

The problems in your relationship with your partner that you're discussing at RELATE are a symptom of your problem, but are not the cause of it. For that reason, I think that you should seek some sort of psychotherapy to deal with the root of the problem and seek that alone.

Losing your mother in this way (because that is what has in effect happened) is akin to a bereavement.

Take care and I hope that you can find some real help with it all soon that will help you to move forward in a positive way.

Hi again MrsP, I've only just read that you lost your sister. That is truly devastating to lose her at such a young age, and especially when you were so close too. It has been a double whammy for you.

You really have been through the mill and so have your other siblings.

You really need to take good care of yourself and get some help with these major issues you've had to deal with.

Take care.

Gunnerbean, thanks for the reply. The more i think about it, the more i agree i need some one to one therapy. Dp agreed to go to relate, bit embarrassing that when we're their it keeps coming back to my past, and he ends up listening while she speaks to me! Did ask the doctor before about councelling, said there was a long wait! guess i've waited this long already!
It is like a behreavement losing my mum, but worse cause i know she had a choice to walk away.
It never goes away though, people ask about my mum in my line of work, its hard to know what to say, would be easier to say she was dead.
Think i'll call doctors for an appointment today!

Mrs P, that's terrible about your sister. You really have had a dreadfully sad few years and really, 7 years is nothing - (I speak from the advanced age of 50). It will take time and lots of talking, for you to work through this. Take that time, be very kind to yourself and don't force yourself into any feelings you aren't ready for. GirlNextDoor may have phrased things harshly, but I'm sure she meant well. I suspect your mother is having a dreadful time but you need to concentrate on yourself for now. You may feel you want to contact her later - or you may prefer to think of her as dead. But be kind to YOU and DP. Yes, make that appointment, and keep with Relate if you need to - it's certainly helping us . Let us know how you go, and big {{{{hugs}}}}

Did you have to lose contact with your mum though? I'm still not clear how much of the becoming estranged from your mum was your decision when you felt betrayed by her rather than her refusing to see you again.
Looking at it from her point of view she was in an unhappy marriage and fell madly in love with another man. Yes it's awful he was your boyfriend at the time, but if they're still together despite the age gap and societies disapproval perhaps there is a very strong bond between them. She didn't really choose him over you, she chose him over your father. She maybe hoped your relationship with her would survive. You were an adult after all with your own life, not a dependant child. If your mum had left your dad for another man who was not your boyfriend your relationship would still be OK. Your dad might still have tried to kill himself, but I don't think you should stay with someone you no longer love just because they may kill themselves if you leave. The lying sounds awful, but maybe at the time she thought her infatuation with your boyfriend wouldn't last. He should have stopped seeing you when he started the relationship with your mum.
Did she try contacting you after she left?
It sounds a horrible mess, but I do have some understanding of your mum if she felt herself torn between a man she loved madly and a grown up family who didn't really need her anymore and a husband she no longer loved.

When my mum left, she kept contact by phone, but she was offish with me. tried to speak to her when my dad was sectioned after his suicide and she ignored my calls.
It was alot messier than i put in my original post. caught my boyf coming out of my mum's room one night, i confronted her, i was shaking coz i was convinced something was going on, she wouldn't look at me, told me not to be silly, new deep down she was lying.
My exboyf kept harrassing me, phoning late at night, left a note on my car to say he was watching me. They were trying to keep up a charade that they were not together. I was telling my mum what he was doing over the phone, all the time she was with him! I think she was keeping in contact just to find out what he was up to! eg whether he was messing her around too.

When it eventually came out months later that they were together, he was still contacting me intermittently. I sent her a message to keep her dog on a leash, and to stop him harrassing me.

When i did speak to her on the phone at my nan's, they had split up, so she admitted their relationship had started the night me and boyf took her to the pub, she said they slept together upstairs whilst i slept.

To be honest i don't think she is madly in love with him. I expect she receives the same treatment that i did, but she has nowhere else to go. All our family hate him, and she is a woman who can not be on her own, has to have a man. It was like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.

The contact stopped when it was revealed they were together. She knows how to contact me. I suspect that my brother ( who i don't talk to now as he borrowed money off of me and disappeared) would of told her that i would never forgive her.

But there's an unanswered question... do YOU want to trust her again? it's ok not to, you are only human.

That does sound awful. The exboyfriend sounds deeply creepy and your mother's lack of support when you needed her and your father was ill very sad.
Having a relationship with your mum again doesn't have to mean trusting her again though. You could decide to just talk to her a few times a year but not confide in her. I doubt you will ever trust her again.

I think the pain she caused me, and that i am still feeling, would make it impossible for me to ever have contact with my mum again. I don't think i could look her in the eye, i don't hate her, i wouldn't want to see her come to any harm, i've grown up alot since it happened. I feel disappointment in her, for the fact i missed having a mum at my wedding, i'd of liked to ask her questions when i was pregnant, things that mum's are meant to be there for.
I do think finally talking about it, about how i felt and feel now has really helped me. I think bottling up the pain has probably caused me more problems!
Do i want to trust her again? No. Couldn't ever. She broke it, and no matter what happens it can never be fixed in my eyes.

Then just leave it. It is ok.

I think we are hammered the idea of what a mother should be since we are very young, the problem is that mothers (like you, me, your mother and the mother of the neighbour) are as individual as any other person in the world.

They may have their own circumstances that made them be like they are or may not, just as you have your own circumstances that built your own personality. What your mother has done is very bad, but chances are that the moment that you stop expecting her to act like a mother your pain will diminish, maybe because you will stop hurting yourself further by trying to understand why she acted like that.

It is OK to be angry, it is OK not to trust again. Give yourself a break, if trying to forgive your mother is causing such heartache just let it go. You can forgive her when your are ready, if you get to be ready, no pressure on that. And don't let her actions affect your relationship, she is out of the picture you don't need to bring her into your relationship if you don't want to.

There is a fable about a couple of buddist monks, one senior and a younger one that are about to cross a stream when they realise there's a courtesan to the side finding it difficult to cross the stream. The senior monk decide to help her out by carrying her to the other side.

The action of the senior monk horrorised the yourger one, how on Earth sucha senior monk has darewd to touch a person that is impure, almost a prostitute to carry her, that could have ruin the reputation of the monks, how dare he.

So they continue walking and after a long time silent the senior monk asks what's the matter. The younger confess to be mortified about his senior action to which the other answers:

I'm not carrying her anymore brother, are you?

Let your mother go, she is not the one hurting you anymore, if you continue to bring back all those memories, you are inflicting a lot of pain on your own self, I know is difficult but try not to let this to hurt you any more.

HUGS

Chandra your story of the monks makes a very valid point that I can relate to with my own situation, but letting go is so much easier said than done. I actually believe that a lot of people will not be able to let go by themselves. That is why I think MrsP should seek some professional help alomg the way.

I was betrayed by a family member and the bitterness I still feel, years on, is very raw.

It is true, these sorts of things eat away at you like a cancer and the effects spread into other areas of your life too. It is like a curse which comes to haunt you.

MrsP did you get around to makig that Drs appointment? Don't let them fob you off. Press for an appointment, no matter how long the waiting list is. I'm sure it will do you good in the long run and it may give you some hope that one day you may be able to free yourself from this emotional turmoil.

Please let us know how you get on.

Take care.

I feel for you.

My mother let me down very, very badly when i was a child, hurting my wonderful dad in the process.

She is still alive and my sister and I went to see her last year. It was the first time I'd seen her in 20 years.

I will never forgive her. But I have learned to let go. I will not let her ruin my life anymore. To some degree I feel sorry for her but at the end of the day, no matter how bad her life is, she had no right to do the things she did.

She doesnt deserve to be my mother just because she is that biologically. Being a mum myself now I cannot begin to comprehend how she could have been like that.

You do not have to forgive her. You do not have to have her in your life. But dont let her ruin it for you now.

Haven't got round to making the doctors appointment yet, but i will. Its really helped to be able to talk about it and hear other peoples points of view. Thanks for everyones kindness.

MrsPsrker - I too am baffled by girlnextdoors post!!

As someone who has been through this very situation with my own mother, what she’s written here is Inconceivable! Who on EARTH could EVER stick up for the mother in ANY situation like this or try to ask you to consider taking ANY of the responsibility for your mother’s actions! I too don’t care how unhappy your mother might have been - it is a terrible, pathetic excuse! I find it laughable that she’s even considered accusing you of being ‘jealous’ 😂

Bottom line - girlnextdoor is an emotionally unintelligent prat, to put it mildly!

Keep going with the counselling, for as long as it takes! Find the money and keep it going. If you want to ask me anything, feel free, but I just wanted to let you know that most normal folk do not think like girlnextdoor!

MrsParker I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

And yes you really need to have some counselling for your trust issues, and also you can give back all the guilt and blame which you have taken back to those who really should have it.

Your mum is an adult and the only person who is responsible for her own actions. Your mum would have left with someone anyway it is not your fault that it was your boyfriend.

Your dad is an adult and the only person who is responsible for his own actions. Your dad would have been devastated and probably still have tried to commit suicide. Whoever she left with as they both had a very destructive relationship, again it was not your fault that it was your boyfriend was the one that she finally left with.

Your Ex Boyfriend unfortunately is probably treating her the same as he did you, if not worse. But this is not your problem or you responsibility to solve. Your mum is the only one who can solve this.

And while it's sad that your mum didn't get to goodbye to your sister, but this a consequence of her own actions again this is not and never was your fault.

OP, sadly in life some people are just not good for us or to us. I think you should continue with counselling, how you are feeling right now, that the hurt is so raw and new still, shows that she hurt you deeply and you have as yet to work through that. This has nothing to do with an ex-bf really, (he is just a footnote in your life) but the abandonment of you and your siblings by the woman you should have been able to trust most. This woman was not even emotionally mature enough to be there for her dying child.

I know some people talk of forgiveness and letting go, that you only have one mum, but that is nonsense. You are not obliged to have a hurtful person in your life due to biology. For me forgiveness is about no longer wishing for a different past, your mother is not the person you wanted her to be, the person you need her to be, so you may just have to let go and stop wishing for a different past and live with what you have now and what you have now are children who need you to love them open heartedly and honestly your DP sounds like a kind and understanding chap, willing to engage in counselling about issues that were caused before you even met, he sounds like a good egg.

Zombie thread

This Thread is 10 years old??????
I really hope Mrs Parker is ok... but 10yrs???

Your mother was constantly having affairs (as was your father but that's a different issue) but having sex & running off with your exbf wasn't some kind of only escape route out of an unhappy marriage. She could've buggered off with any of her previous men. She went off with your ex simply because he was yours. What better way for someone, probably jealous of a young daughter with her whole life ahead of her while she's getting a bit long in the tooth, to "prove" to herself that she can still knock all the men dead.
She'd be what, about 50 now? I'm in my 60's myself so I'm not knocking older women but she'll not find many men regarding her as some kind of catch. Your ex is probably the best she can do, until he's
had enough of her & she ends up the belle of the grab a granny nights desperate for a man - any/anyone's man.

I wouldn't waste any time over her. What she did to you is one of those unforgivable things for a mother to do to her own daughter. She made her own shitty bed knowing fine well what she was doing so she can lie in it.

Your DP sounds like a really good man. Learn to love yourself as much as he loves you because you really are worth it

I definitely feel you would benefit from counselling OP! Please do not let anyone make you question your right to feel utterly betrayed by the one person who should have had your back!

Your Mother is an absolute disgrace to the name Mother. There is absolutely zero excuse for the way your Mother has treated you! She is every bit as abusive as your ex in how she gaslighted you and allowed your ex to emotionally and psychologically abuse you after you split from your ex!

I am so sorry that you have been let down so badly! I am so sorry that you have gone through the death of your sister, without having your Mother there to support you and love you! Have you heard of the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Your posts have reminded me of an article that I read on the subject of Daughters of Narcissist Mothers

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/toxic-relationships/201802/daughters-narcissistic-mothers

I believe for your own sanity that you are better off without your Mother in your life! I do think that allowing your anger an outlet would be a good idea! Write a letter to your Mother, tell her everything you have never had the chance to say, tell her how hurt and angry you are that your little sister had to die without her Mother, due to her selfish and narcissistic behaviour! Tell her everything, let it all pour out! Then when you are finished burn it, nothing good will come from sending it to her but you will feel better for getting all the hate, the hurt and the betrayal out!

Wow, just noticed the other pps pointing out that this is a zombie thread. Another one here wondering how things turned out for @MrsParker. Well, I hope.

Gah- must read dates on threads before posting- Zombie thread