Where do I go from here?

[lostmumma]

I'm quite literally at a crossroad, and soon must make a choice: if one path comes to light, I may pick up an old friendship which if all goes well, will lead to a full blown relationship with the love I once was scared to chase.

If not, I take the path I accepted many years ago and stay with my current DP, whom I still deeply care for, but don't know if can ever forgive his affair.

I need to limit the impact for all...

does your dp know you are finding it hard to accept his affair?

Also think you need to completly seperate the 2.

Either you
1 - can accept his affair and have that new relationship (the ups and downs) and the meeting of this om is just that - a meeting that you have nothing to hide. Be open with your dp about it - give him the choice to accept it or not.

2 - accept that you cannot accept his affair and part ways with your dp. Dont feel that just because you said you could forgive him that you have in some way done anything wrong. You tried but found it too hard that is not a failing on your part.

3 - be a coward, and do exactly what your dp did to you - somehow justifying it that you are only doing this now because he did it first. Of course it may never be found out but you know you will have let yourself down.

I agree with HW.
If you can't forgive the affair then you should leave your dh and move on.
Regarding the friendship, I wouldn't jump straight back into this again until you have had some time to grieve for your marriage.
Definitely do not stay in the marriage and rekindle the friendship too.
Good luck.

wow, thats a lot to take in, and all valid points you make, happywoman.
If I were to tell dp about my meeting old chum, he would not consider it a threat in any way as she was such a close mate I considered her to be family - untill I developed a crush on her which I allowed to grow into full love, in the lover sense, towards her...never telling no one. too bloody scared.

but you have made things a little clearer, so thanks

the affair part I still dealing with

so its a little more complicated anyway.

Are you sure the friendship would devolp into a relationship - maybe it was just one of those crush things - does your old friend feel the same way still do you know?

is it wrong of me to have been accepting things will never be the same again/already over in the very back of head, just never really brought those thoughts to the front?

dp has no idea i am in this bloody mess, i do my thinking late when house is sleeping. its the only time i can sit and just pour out my thoughts and tears without people.

i dont think i should tell him, cos i run the risk of breaking everything apart on a whim

(thanks ginnny)

HW i have no idea how things would go - theres a chance but what we had did have quite an...ugly end. but then we had quite a bond in the good times....

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here, but are you sure you are not looking back on this friendship with rose coloured specs on.
When a relationship goes wrong it sometimes makes us yearn for something from our past, and I wonder if you are using your feelings for your friend to give you a more valid reason to leave your H. (although an affair is a valid reason to end a marriage imo).
Have you got back in touch with your friend? Do you know her circumstances?

lostmumma - how were you to know you could not accetp the affair without giving the marriage a try?
Have you had conselling?

Does your h now satify all your needs? I ask becasue i am recovering from my h affair and i too sometimes wonder if i can really handle it. Time is helping but actually i dont really think too far ahead anymore and enjoy the moment much more than i ever did.

I think i have learned a lot more about what my needs actually are and as time moves on so my needs seem to be changing? Just because i agreed to give him a second chance does not mean i am shackeled to him forever now and actually if i want out in the future i will - hopefully not by having an affair, although i must confess to sometimes wondering what i would do if a certain someone from the past did show up - but i think that is just a healthy fantasy and i have confessed this to my h anyway.

So please dont feel bad that you may not have accetped his affair - as things change you are allowed to change your mind you know.

ginnny, i have no idea what she is doing now or where she is, but i working to find out through the grapevine and her family.

i cant deny since the affair ive felt unsettled - the thought of h and her being together, doing things that only me and h should do, is just wrong.

if she doen't want to regain any of our past, then i will be left wondering can i bury this shite with h, or be left alone in the end.

HW, honestly, no. but then he never has, and before affair i learned to live with what he was willing to give. now, though, i feel more distant than ever and the things im thinking and feeling are less towards him.

That is so sad and i think you need to address this whether or not there is another relationship on the horizon.

Please dont stay in a stale marriage out of duty - it is cruel for everyone.
You need to either decide to make the effort in getting that spark back or put your energies into seperating and getting your own life.

HW, your right, and i have been little blind to this fact.

thanks

Sounds like you're horribly depressed, so I hope you get to make a decision soon. Hope you don't mind me saying this, but why not take it one step at a time, so sort out where you are first. If you can't forgive him, then separate. Only once you're free can you decide/ embark on a new relationship. Otherwise you're asking too much in lots of ways.
Also I'm assuming by your name and the fact you're on here that you have children. Whatever age they are, if you separate with their father they'll want to know why at some point. It's far easier to be able to say clearly that the relationship wasn't working, than to say you moved off with someone else. Not sure what your DH would do if you did that, but it would also give him less of a chance to sway the kids against you. Sorry to sound cynical, but I've seen it happen so many times...

i had written a reply to you Smee, but then the system decided to crash big style and ive had hell of a job getting back online.

dh and his lot can be quite judgemental and at times bloody hurtful, so, even in theory, for me to leave h and life as it stands, and naturally, eventually, build a life and relationship with budy, the comments ill get for being in lesbian relationship with kids wont last forever, but a few years.

before i do any diging with budy path, i need to sort this shite with h and just go one way or the other. problem then is ive been pondering over this for so long, h has no idea. he thinks we are alright and ive forgiven all.

thanks guys

omg, the atmosphere tonight is driving me nuts. im so tired of this bs, i think we got to call time on us. cant believe i saying this for real, but my marriage is over.

mentally, emotionally etc, im jst not there anymore. thats taken hell of an effort to admitt

Am sending a huge hug. Sounds like you've made your decision, so be strong and look to the other side. I'm sure life will be brighter once you reach there.

well done - it does take a lot of courage to admit that - and also well done for not involving anyone else in that process. An affair is such a cowardly way to end a marriage.

Like i said before - please dont feel bad that you once told your h you would get over his affair. It was he that moved those goal posts in the first place remember not you.

Feel proud that you worked on the marriage and at least tried - he should be grateful for that not angry - although i expect he will be the later.

Good luck with going forward now.

Smee, that is a welcomed hug. i will say didnt sleep much last night - but then the bed has been broken for a while, which doesnt help. i felt so shit all day, ive not felt 'with it' at all. though i will confess ive not had the courage to tell h yet - ive just kept my distance so far.

how the hell do you break news to your h of many years, you just cant keep this life going?

being strong - im checking am still awake

HW, ill not disagree with you.im glad i didnt do the 'run off' thing, but this still hurts. so many emotions to deal with.

omg

More hugs from me. I think before you speak to him, you need to tell yourself your bottom line - by that I mean before the emotion hits and his responses kick in. Work out what you want/ need and then stick to that as clearly and compassionately as you can. So, so hard, but you can do it I'm sure.

good advice smee

still havent worked it out entirely, but ive gone to stay with a mate for bit to get a different set of walls to look at. h thinks im playing catch up. am still keeping distance.

and ive found her.

How intriguing. Bet you're all over the shop. I stick to what I said before. Sort out your marriage before starting anything else. That way it won't turn into being all your fault. Glad there's a glimmer of a future ahead though...

oh smee, all over the place is about right - i didnt think i could feel these many emotions at once.

there is a part of me saying just go kiss and makeup, as our parting was less than friendly. but then if i think back, i am still pissed of at how she basically left me.

also, i need to keep away cos of h thing and ive not said a thing to him.

but your right, the future could go 2 ways, and i know which way i need it to go

Hallo Losstmumma. Sorry you are going through this. You say : i am still pissed of at how she basically left me. Please don't go back to/chase your friend. Please be sure you are not confusing your feelings for her with the (understandable) feeling that "all men are bastards"
I think you first need to address whether or not you can forgive dh, pos via coucelling (trite I know)before you do ANYTHING else. You will resent your friend for leaving you before at some point, even if it is all rosy in the beginning. What I'm trying to say is : Don't act too hastily and cause yourself avoidable future anguish.

thanks for comments yellowvan. i have decided not to chase anything with her, not even contact, till ive sorted shite out with h. iv got to a point now that i would like to forgive h (it would be easier), but everyday there is a reminder of why i cant.

also, i have learnt news about the affair which is new to me - im holding back from talking to him

there is one thing i know for sure - my love for her was based on a true friendship