Just How Selfish Am I??? Go on Girls I Can Take It.

[KumquatMaye]

Eeep, where to start. I am in the process of ending an unhappy marriage, of 10 years, but I have two children, aged 6 and 18 months who are just brilliant.

My husband and I have had so many problems for so long...we agreed on the number of children we would have, got married, he changed his mind about having a family, and ever since then it, everything has been a battle. We had our son, argued like cat and dog over the work, the responsiblilty, which he was VERY reluctant to share. He went to pieces and wanted to spend more and more time away, with friends, drinking his sorrows away. I was dead set on having baby no. 2, I was so heart broken that he was shying away from our plans and dreams, and I'm sure you know what i mean when I say I was desperately broody. We did break up in 2005, before we had our daughter, as I said I had to accept we wanted different things.

He said he didn't want to lose me and at the 11th hour agreed to have a 2nd child. I didn't really listen to the nagging voice that told me trouble was ahead - I was naive. It took us 8 months to conceive her, and he didn't change his mind. We struck a 'deal' where I agreed to do all the work, night waking etc. I kept to this.

However that was when it started to go really Pete Tong. He was away as much as possible, took a hobby 4 nights a week, became very possessive of our son. He said that meeting me was the biggest mistake of his life, repeatedly. He threatened suicide and terrified I referred him to our doctor, who concluded he wasn't. However whilst I was pregnant I found suicide notes, all left where I would find them.

Our beautiful DD was born and he stayed with me 2 minutes after she was born before leaving. In the months that followed, He moved into the spare room, I became stressed and ill and had a nervous breakdown. Nothing was working and I was sick of pretending. He was vile to me and I begged and begged him to change his mind. When she was 3 weeks old he again threatened suicide and I was afraid to let him out of my sight.

Even 15/16 months later, he was still 'punishing me' - I was told not to tell him I loved him, to get off, not touch him etc etc. Stopped from going out completely and stopped from having friends round. Eventually I snapped and went on to have an affair with a guy I met on line. Sleazy, very Jeremy Kyle....I know.

I am disgusted with myself for being unfaithful but I know why it happened. As soon as I said it was over to Dh, he has started to try and make ammends but I do not trust him anymore and love has gone. The respect has gone.

I am taking the decision to end the marriage, but I keep reminding myself that I am not escaping a violent relationship, I have children and ought to try and make a go of it for their sakes. But I want no more rowing, upheaval, etc etc, I want peace for me and for them.....how selfish am I? Go on....your opinions please. PS I am still seeing internet guy who I can't wean myself off. But i know things may well not work out with him, even though he is rather lovely.

I dont think you've done anything wrong!
You've strayed because you need love and attention. You've tried working things out with your dh, but its not working.
Give him an ultimatum and STICK TO IT!
Dont be walked over. You need to be happy for your childrens sake, let alone yours.

dollius is spot on.

i agree with dollius

Sweetie,

You are right to leave. LEAVE HIM! Everyone deserves a bit of peace, and a bit of love, and the time has come for you to get yours. You've TRIED. A million times. You've done everything for the sake of your DCs. But the time has come to think of you.

The internet lover is a bit random, and I honestly think it is best to try to get out of a marriage without some crutch in place. But don't beat yourself about it. In a few years you will look back and think 'Thank God I left that man. Now I have X in my life/or no X in my life and I'm happy'. I promise that day will come. and you will totally deserve it.

dollius has hit the nail on the head

STOP punishing yourself its time to move on you could`nt of done anymore

Your DH sounds like a knob and I think it would be best all round if you ended the marriage.

Dollius, your kind support has just made me cry. In a good way! I think! thank you.

Tongiht he has come home (can you fing believe this) saying if I don't leave we will have Dc's 3 and 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry am in a state of shock. I looked him in the eyes and said thanks to him I will never want to have any more children, or go through the lonely road that is pregnancy and birth when it is unsupported. I told him I would never trust him enough EVER to get pregnant with him again, that I am just grateful for having what I've got along with my sanity and getting out.

Am so shocked. I think this is him just pressing the emotional buttons and it is the same pattern as last time. Oh, and he said that if I didnt have more kids with him he will have a 2nd family with someone else!

HELP!!! This hurts so much. 10 years ago I would have wet my knickers at the thought of having a large family....

i think he is using it as emotional blackmail, but in all honesty i doubt he means it, but he is playing on the one thing he knows you want, which is actually extremely controlling and cruel

and if he isnt coping with 2 children now, how does he think he will manage with more?

sadly i think, if you did have more, he would be likely to forever throw it in your face, saying he did it for you, making him sound like he sacrificed everything for you and you have trapped him/ isolated him/emasculated him (insert any word that he would think fits)

he knows he is losing you, and this is his last ditch attempt at keeping you under hsi control

it's all so painful, i am so sorry for you to be going through this

Thanks Lou, my gut tells me you are right but it does hurt, and this crazy voice inside me wants it to be true, but as you say, of course it isn't and anyone would be foolish to have a baby even 2/3 years after a total breakdown like this.

This man is a complete bastard- can you see that?

he is weak and a bully- I hope you leave him quickly and no other woman will be foolish enough to set up home with him.

What a complete shit he is- saying you could have more children! The in the next breath saying if not you, then someone else will have his children. Does that not show you how little he cares for your feelings? It's all about him.

KM, that is a terrible thing he is doing to you. Of course he doesn't want more children, they take attention away from him. I doubt he would want another family either but would probably promise some other poor woman the same as he did you.

Whenver you get the slightest doubt in your head or heart about what you are doing, think hard about how he has treated your DD and you since she was born - you would'nt want to put another DC through that, now would you?

Stay strong, you're doing the right thing. Don't let him have unsupervised access to the kids either.

I think that actions speak louder than words. And his recent actions do not reflect what he is saying now.

He is also using threats to coerce you into staying with him. That is not the action of a loving husband and father. He doesn't want the best for his family, just for himself.

Why do you think he wants you to stay so badly? Because he desperately loves you and the children, or because he wants to have the last word and be the one to call the shots?

Judging by his actions over the past six words, I rather suspect it is the latter.

You can offer so much more to your children if you leave your husband. They need 100% rock solid stability and the knowledge that their parents love them more than anything. You can give that to them. Your husband cannot - he's proved it over and over again.

Really wishing you the best.

past six years, not words!

Dollius talks a lot of sense.
You know the marriage is over and he is grasping at straws to get you to stay.
You could meet someone else and have more dc with all the support you missed out on with the first 2.
Its time to move on and don't look back. Your children will be better off too.

Y'all have been so helpful, it has given me the support I've needed to stand tall these last few days. I had to go to the hospital today....have got an enlarged spleen at the moment (i mean, is enough not malfunctioning in my life right now lol) and guess what....

RIM texted me and asked if he could come with me just to be there. So maybe....you never know...he is more than random....we then went for pint and nobby's nuts (UK mners will get that, to all others it will sound pervy) and I felt like someone loved and cared about me...it felt lush.

RIM has a murky past though in a way that is a bit of a stumbling block...he left he DW 5 years ago, very unhappy, but with DCs 1, 3 and 5. I know. He does have every other weekend contact and says he never left them, just his unhappy marriage, says he's changed a lot, been in therapy to deal with his issues etc. But still it kinda is a biggie to us mums...can't imagine how she managed with three.

Well guess we'll just have to go slow and see. I know i am prob. on the rebound and desperate to feel loved. But man he is hot!!!!

Although ginny....I am 35... and RIM has had vasectomy so it won't be with him lol x

Hmm. I suspect that my dh could have written a very similar post to yours a few years back. It is important to remember that there are two sides to any story. Having children is not some sort of contract, you can't demand a particular number, there is no reneging there is just someone changing their mind. My dh and I didn't want children at all when we got married. Now we have two. I suspect that is not unusual. Sometimes people find parenthood very difficult. To be honest I suspect neither of you were thinking straight when you got back together. You dh for whatever reason wanted to be with you and you let your broodiness overcome your sense. The result was that you both got your wishes I guess, but you also both were very unhappy. However that is really by the by. Now you are still both very unhappy, but you have a fantasy to distract you, and feel in control and he has nothing. If that has been going on since May I am not at all surprised he is behaving badly (not condoning it mind).

So, yes you are right to leave. The relatationship sounds very toxic, and it is not good for your children to have to live with that. But you and your husband have to find a way to make things work for the four of you, because otherwise your children will suffer. So you have to focus on making the new relationship, as co-parents only, work.

I really really do not advocate following up on your 'RIM' he does not sound at all reliable, and you do not need the distaction right now, however good it makes you feel. You have only his side of the story about how his marriage ended after all, and if he has voluntarily chosen to have every other weekend contact then he isn't being their fo his own children in a particularly meaningful way.

KM

Your H (I won't use the 'D') is the worst kind of tosser that gives the rest of us a bad name. Using your kids as ammunition is unforgivable regardless of what has transpired - they are the innocents and do not deserve to be used as pawns. IMHO, natch - but please remember the last sentence if and when you split.

Your new blokey (what does RIM mean?) is probably useful as a side dish but don't allow yourself to be drawn into anything other than a bit of fun at the moment as otherwise you won't have capacity to process all the other emotions you will feel. He also may be a bit of a player so be wary.

You have lost respect for your H and I suspect he has lost trust in you as a result of your affair. Hence there is very little or no chance of your marriage surviving, best to get out of it with dignity and with your kids' mental health intact as soon as possible.

good luck, I hope it all works out positively for you ((hug))

tbh..I do not understand why you had children with your husband....he changed his mind...not fair...but you still got 2 Kids...surely it would have been better to sort yourselfs out first within the relationship.....especially with baby no.2...all you have achieved is eing a single mum of 2 now....which can't be a walk in the park on many levels....

truely do not understand why people have children unless both parties are truely happy and committed...unless there was a contraceptive glitch and it happened unplanned...