Sexless marriage

abis · 2008-09-21T20:09:41+00:00

I've been married to by husband for four years, together for eight. We have two children, 5 yrs and 9 months. We have a good relationship in terms of friendship and companionship but we don't have sex much at all. He tries but I'm just uninterested. Until we had our cildren sex was great but now I have to force myself for the relationship. He never says anything but I know it's damaging our relationship. I don't want to leave him, I love him, but I want to have a sexual relationship. I just don't know how to change the way I feel. I wish I could just switch my thoughts/emotions off and just get on with it. If you've been through something similar I would appreciate some advice/wisdom!

Elasticwoman · 21/09/2008 21:18

9 months after childbirth, many women are not ready to resume sexual relations. That's quite normal. Why do you have to force yourself - why not just abstain for a bit longer until you are ready?

When your say "he never says anything" do you mean he knows you don't want to have sex but says nothing about it while you force yourself?

If he never says anything can you really be sure that he knows how you feel?

whatabtme · 23/09/2008 20:32

I feel sorry for your husband,cos I know what its like to be rejected all of the time.I have been wth my partner for 15 years I am only 31 yrs old and he has never had a high sex drive.I use to moan abt it and he use to tell me that if I stopped going on abt the lack of sex then it wd improve.So sick of being told no so many times I stopped going on abt it and it has just gone from bad to worse.

We have a 3 year old and a daughter of 18 weeks old.Yet I still want sex. On average I wd guess that we have sex about ounce every 2-3 weeks.When I could easily do it 3-4 times a week! No matter how much I try to tell him that it is making me feel rejected and I have even joked that I will have an affair for sex, he just does not get it.Im sick of being told how tierd he is etc etc What he does not seem to realise is that I really am day dreaming about hving an affair but bloody lucky for im I have no opportunity to do so as I am on maternity leave.And now I dont even bother to make a move as I know what the answer will be and when we do have sex I feel cold towards him Like I dont want to please him.

Being rejected all of the time is so difficult u do start looking and thinking about others and it causes such a rift in the relationship I would say I am not close to my partner at all.I actually feel very angry that he is with holding somthing that is so important and should be about give and take.I just dont understand why they wd say no most of the time.Cos if it was me and my partner told me he needede/wanted more sex then I would make every effort to do so cos otherwise I cannot see any other way its going to end except badly.

whatabtme · 23/09/2008 20:32

I feel sorry for your husband,cos I know what its like to be rejected all of the time.I have been wth my partner for 15 years I am only 31 yrs old and he has never had a high sex drive.I use to moan abt it and he use to tell me that if I stopped going on abt the lack of sex then it wd improve.So sick of being told no so many times I stopped going on abt it and it has just gone from bad to worse.

We have a 3 year old and a daughter of 18 weeks old.Yet I still want sex. On average I wd guess that we have sex about ounce every 2-3 weeks.When I could easily do it 3-4 times a week! No matter how much I try to tell him that it is making me feel rejected and I have even joked that I will have an affair for sex, he just does not get it.Im sick of being told how tierd he is etc etc What he does not seem to realise is that I really am day dreaming about hving an affair but bloody lucky for im I have no opportunity to do so as I am on maternity leave.And now I dont even bother to make a move as I know what the answer will be and when we do have sex I feel cold towards him Like I dont want to please him.

Being rejected all of the time is so difficult u do start looking and thinking about others and it causes such a rift in the relationship I would say I am not close to my partner at all.I actually feel very angry that he is with holding somthing that is so important and should be about give and take.I just dont understand why they wd say no most of the time.Cos if it was me and my partner told me he needede/wanted more sex then I would make every effort to do so cos otherwise I cannot see any other way its going to end except badly.

whatabtme · 23/09/2008 20:32

I feel sorry for your husband,cos I know what its like to be rejected all of the time.I have been wth my partner for 15 years I am only 31 yrs old and he has never had a high sex drive.I use to moan abt it and he use to tell me that if I stopped going on abt the lack of sex then it wd improve.So sick of being told no so many times I stopped going on abt it and it has just gone from bad to worse.

We have a 3 year old and a daughter of 18 weeks old.Yet I still want sex. On average I wd guess that we have sex about ounce every 2-3 weeks.When I could easily do it 3-4 times a week! No matter how much I try to tell him that it is making me feel rejected and I have even joked that I will have an affair for sex, he just does not get it.Im sick of being told how tierd he is etc etc What he does not seem to realise is that I really am day dreaming about hving an affair but bloody lucky for im I have no opportunity to do so as I am on maternity leave.And now I dont even bother to make a move as I know what the answer will be and when we do have sex I feel cold towards him Like I dont want to please him.

Being rejected all of the time is so difficult u do start looking and thinking about others and it causes such a rift in the relationship I would say I am not close to my partner at all.I actually feel very angry that he is with holding somthing that is so important and should be about give and take.I just dont understand why they wd say no most of the time.Cos if it was me and my partner told me he needede/wanted more sex then I would make every effort to do so cos otherwise I cannot see any other way its going to end except badly.

Elasticwoman · 23/09/2008 21:51

Whatabtme, your dh doesn't have the excuse of just having given birth. You may be ready at 18 weeks but the OP may just as easily not be. Women get over childbirth at different rates.

You must be very fertile if you managed to conceive 2 dc on no more than 2 tries per cycle!

Lauriefairycake · 23/09/2008 21:54

what are the thoughts/emotions you're having trouble with and want to put aside?

Yes, it's possible you're just not ready and it may also be physical.

BobDowne · 23/09/2008 22:02

Abis, I went through something like this after having my children. Both births were pretty traumatic and i needed to feel sure that everything had healed up properly!

I don't think 9 months is unreasonable.

You want things to improve, which shows you're still interested. Try not to feel pressured until you're really ready.