Do you tell your MIL when you don't agree with her, or just nod your head?

[CatMandu]

MIL acts as if we get on brilliantly and in some ways we do, but she is very old fashioned and right wing and I'm quite the opposite. I've been finding it hard over recent months to keep nodding and listening to tales of events or thoughts that I simply don't agree with. This makes me feel very uncomfortable, like I'm not being true to myself. For example she told a story of a friend of the family who confessed to her that he was gay when he was in his teens and she told him that was fine, but to stop acting camp and stop dressing gay and he'd be welcome in the house. Now I think this is a terrible way to respond, but sat just listening.

I think I can assume that I'm not the only DIL who's in this position and I wonder if I ought to be more honest. Would it be better if I said what I really thought and therefore be myself or is it better for general family relations to keep quite?

the but thing is: Yes, she's got this lovely house but she's so deep in debt...blah blah.

I love my MIL more than my own mother.

I have toxic parents (long story) and my ILs have welcomed me like a daughter. They provide all the things my parents don't. Love,respect, interest in me and my life and a huge amount of support with my DS.

Yes my MIL still annoys me occasionally but only in the sense that any mother would and I love her dearly

However my situation is unusual. Most of you probably have good relationships with your own mother so MIL is not going to live up to that. Thus I understand and sympathise.

It is so hard isn't it when grandchildren are involved

i do a lot of nodding, it depends on my mood.

sometimes i dont have ot say anything as my face gives it away.

i think the whole family know i am not v. tolerant of off the cuff racist remarks - like 'paki'

my kids all kind of just stop - and look at me - its like the pause button went on or something.

and it all goes quiet and someone says somethng like " lisa doesn't like those kind of remarks" and the perp will say " oh well i didn't mean it like that"

sometimes facial expresions are enough.

if its other peoples business - like the gay story you told - then i might just nod - its hardly worth an argument over that.

if i think its my business i will speak up.

I just tell her she's wrong - I also make sure I don't see her on my own - therfore DH can witness anything dubious she might say

Yes, she can be racist and yet doesn't realise it, I have heard her refer to the 'paki shop' and wouldn't think twice about pulling her up on that especially around the dc's. She says 'coloured' but I think she thinks this is polite and I haven't explained otherwise - see that feels wrong, I surely ought to tell her that its not acceptable term these days.

I have a great relationship with my MIL. She has different opinions from me on many subjects, but I usually am not swayed from what I and my DH have decided upon, despite MIL ideas differing. The first few times this happened it was a little stick, but DH had chat a said if we wanted a healthy relationship then she would have to accept our differences. She has, and it works really well. I am sure there will be times when it crops up, but i think we would have the same conversation...I think this route is worth it, and honest, upfront no hidden meanings! Good luck

My MIL wants to be adored and admired, in almost a pathological way, and esp by younger women, she fancies herself quite the feminist groundbreaker, which she is a bit in some respects, but at the cost of severely neglecting her children, so she cannot possibly get my admiration. and she isnt half as clever as she thinks she is, which really makes her look ridiculous in my eyes.

we get along ok, although much less so since i stopped pretending to be stupid and uninteresting and started daring to talk about books i read or, god forbid, my job.

tbh i just let her babble on and blank out. she is incredibly annoying, but as long as she doesnt directly offend me i will not pick a fight with her. not worth it. although i am lucky that she lives thousands of miles away...

I think it depends on whether her opinion actively affects me or not, so in the example given of the gay friend that has nothing to do with me as he's not my friend and if mil's gay friend doesn't like it it's his job to tell her where to go not mine.
If she started spouting opinions about me, my husband or my kids I disagreed with I'd calmly but firmly tell her I disagreed.
Choose your battles.
I generally get on with my inlaws. If I didn't hubbie would have more trips to see them without me, some couples seem to feel they always have to visit relatives as a couple though, I don't get that.
My dad is 8 hours away but often I'll visit him alone, not because my husband doesn't like him, but he gets bored, would rather spend his weekend/ holiday doing something else, so I just take the kids. That way everyone is happy.
I think alot of people on this site who moan about their inlaws would be better just seeing less of them.

nod nod nod. She won't change her mind about anything anyway. But she is lovely 99% of the time and like a Mum to me, so I give her a dispensation!

Sometimes I tell her. Sometimes I nod along. It depends what she's saying and how important it is to me. Some things just aren't worth getting het up about.

Sometimes I just nod, sometimes I disagree with her. But she likes me so I can usually get her to agree with me in the end anyway.

Totally agree with what 2rebecca says about seeing less of in-laws if there are problems. Have always thought it strange that once married, there is this expectation to always see birth families together.
With regard to just nodding, I prefer avoidance as I find it very hard to ignore snide comments and little digs which is the way my MIL operates.

nod nod nod unless its about your kids.

I don't nod I'm always disagreeing with my mil, but she just pretends I'm agreeing.

eg I'm vegetarian and hate mcdonalds we have a whole conversation on how i think they are evil, tastle like cardboard, bad for environment etc. she just goes but they taste nice though don't they.
Arrrrrrrgh!

so to nod or not makes no odds to me.

i used to nod more than i do now. MIL came to stay when i was pg with ds2 to help with ds1 while i was in hospital and after the birth. despite hearing me thank her each and every night for al her help, and also witnessing me telling all mine and dh's friends how wonderful MIL was with ds1 and how much of a positive experience it was for him having her there, we still had huge rows because I am ungrateful and "always have an answer for everything".

luckily she lives on the other side of the world and i only have to see her a couple of of times a year

My mil is like a daily mail leader personified but with even less logic.
EG
"Big supermarkets are ruining everything. The little shops are much better. The high street's lost its character. Where did you say you got this chicken?"
"At the butcher's."
"How much was it? That's outrageous! You could get it for half that price in Sainsbury's. Those small shopkeepers are ripping us off." ETC.
She calls all black and Indian people "foreigners" even if they are fifth generation. She loathes immigrants for nicking our jobs unless they can work cheaply for us in which case they are enterprising and an example to all those layabouts on the dole.
it's especially hilarious when she's around my bil's fiancee who is the ultimate right-on guardian reader. I can't wait for them to get married and finally have someone within the family i can giggle/let off steam with about it all.
What can you do? She is fundamentally kind, I want my dcs to have a good relationship with her because I really believe in strong family ties. I just nod and smile and sing lalala to myself and remind myself it's funny.

Mine's basically kind as well and of course it was only in my own interest that she gave me a tin of slimfast and two leaflets called "overweightness and obesity" and "How to recognise hidden fats" just after dd was born!

However we get on better than my mum and my nana. Nana was staying with us during the miners' strike and inevitably the moment came when mum, nana and the news were in the same room. Nana said something about "that man"(Scargil) and mum replied with "that bloody woman"(Thatcher obviously) to which nana said "I don't expect to hear that language from a lady" and mum replied "I'm not a f*king lady, I'm a f*king socialist" and stormed out of the house in bare feet. It was christmas eve and wasn't funny at the time. Sometimes if you can nod and bite your tongue it's probably for the best.

at the slimfast lottien! My MIL is an angel who never judges what I do with DD or argues. We are very close. But my mother, now she is a bloody nightmare! I try to nod and agree for lots of it, but sometimes I just have to stand up for myself. It always ends in tears, as my mother lives in laa laa land and is always right. She will insult and judge my parenting at every turn, thinly veiled with feigned approval. Luckily she hasn't much time for us, so I don't have deal with it that often.

My mother in law is naturally very pessimistic and cynical and makes racist and homophobic remarks. She went on holiday to Bulgaria and moaned that nobody spoke in English so it ruined her holiday!

Whenever my children tell her what they have been doing she will say "Oh that's a shame, there was a circus (or something along those lines) on, you could have gone to that instead" and takes no interest in what they are saying!

She is really rude about my brother in laws son, who has severe learning disabilities and behavioural problems, and calls him a weirdo and a div. She has also said that he needs a good slap to sort him out and that his problems are all because his mum doesn't smack him!!

I do just sit there now completely emotionless, so that I am not going against my values by agreeing with her. Although she riles me, I think that she shows herself up enough without me pointing out to her...

My MIL is absolutely vile. Usually I try and avoid her as much as possible but feeling particularly put out as it was my birthday recently and because of her (and contributed to by DH and my mum - the three of them can't stand each other and I'm permanently caught in the middle) I had an absolutely lousy time to the extent I spent the two days afterwards sobbing and took down all my cards after 24 hours cos I dodn't want to be reminded of it.
She is not a 'womans woman' at all. Has a lousy relationship with her mum, no sisters, no daughters and no female (or any) friends. She has a huge wobbly and threatens all sorts if she doesn't get her own way so my FIL and her 3 boys (inc. my DH) basically let her get away with behaving appallingly.
I keep my mouth shut if it's just general stuff, but since DD arrived 4 years ago our relationship has gone even further downhill and I will answer back if she is on about something concerning DD and it invariably causes all hell to break loose as DH seems incapable of standing up to her. She even slags my mum off in front of me (although I did tell her to pack it a couple of years ago and she has managed not to do it directly since but still makes snide comments).

Sorry to go on - I absolutely loathe the woman and I try so hard to be reasonable but I hate that she makes me feel the way she does. I'm just living in permanent hope that she'll run off with a toyboy from somewhere far away never to be seen or heard of again!

Good thread!

Lol mrshackleton, that could be my MIL you're describing there, and I feel much the same.

My MIL asked my DH if he remembered a particular trip when he was a small boy as his brother who is 2 years older did not remember. My DH who must have been 2 at the time said that he could not remember either. My MIL has now decided that taking children for fun days out etc when they are under 5 is a pointless waste of time as they won't remember it. I pointed out to her that if children did nothing until they were 5 and were locked in a cupboard they'd sure as hell have issues when they are older, and just because they'd be too young to remember fun days out, doesn't mean that they don't appreciate them at the time!!! She however, remains unconvinced and thinks that my DH is obviously ungrateful. She's also angry about something he did when he was about 12. He's 40 in December...My issues with my MIL stem from how rude and uncaring she is towards my DH and it really winds me up.

Do we do things like trips because they are fun and we enjoy them or solely to provide us with memories?
I don't see that the point of my activities today is solely to provide me for memories in a few years time.
Your MIL is illogical.
I must admit I wouldn't take a preschool child anywhere expensive and exotic as a life enriching experience because they wouldn't remember it. On the other hand if the adults want to go I wouldn't leave them behind just because they won't remember it.
Day trips are different though, they're done for the having fun today experience.

decaff
So glad someone else has to put up with it
I tell myself it's a generational thing, when dd1 was a baby she came with me to the most multiracial clinic in the world near King's Cross and within seconds was best friends with a Somali asylum seeker who'd brought in his twins and a Kosovan woman who'd had years of IVF - no doubt at the taxpayers' expense. When she actually meets "foreigners" she's charm itself. I just keep reminding myself that

misselizabethbennet, North-West regional nodding champion reporting for duty sir!

Unless, as others have said, she's attacking DH or DS. Then I come over all primeval.