I am so angry and upset I can barely breath. Can anyone help

[beyonddistressed]

Am a namechanger due to the personal nature of this post, but I am a regular and could really do with some help.

My father acted very inappropriately when I was growing up and my own mother did nothing to protect me. It wasn't as serious as some people go through but he used to encourage me to masturbate, would pour water over my private parts when he bathed me, showed me porn regularly and when he overheard me say to a friend age 13 that I was nervous about how I would kiss a boy when it came to it, he (a few days later) stuck his tongue in my mouth and said I was rubbish at kissng.

My mother knew all this and did very little to stop it. In addition they were verbally abusive calling me a slut and not allowing me to put my toothbrush near theirs in the bathroom in case "I gave them aids".

It is only after I had my DS that I realised how serious their behaviour was. They live 300 miles away from me now and my Dad had a stroke a few years back so is disabled. Even so DP and I still do not want them around DS so contact has been limited to emails and photo sending. My mother has asked me to visit on numerous occasions but I have always thought of excuses. However I have recently got back in touch with some people on my mothers side of the family whom she fell out with years ago, who live near me and I think she is upset and angry over this. I have never mentioned the abuse and how sick it makes me feel so in her head I am a nasty uncaring daughter.

The final straw today is that I am going to uni tomorrow to study something nursing related so I can have a better job and DS can have a better future. DP was made redundant a few weeks ago so not great timing but I worked hard to get into uni as a mature student and was so excited I was finally going. My mother has now sent me a nasty email saying that I am a bad mother for going to uni as we will have no money and that she will not bail me out if I ask (I have been totally self sufficient for 10 years). She feels sorry for my DS who will now not get everything he needs. She asked if "I can be bothered" to get my photos developed as she has not had one in a while and was basically so nasty she has now taken the shine off uni for me.

DP says I should have it out with her about everything but my grandmother (her mother) has a serious heart condition and if she finds out it could literally kill her. My aunt (my mothers sister) is the one who I recently got back in touch with and I am thinking maybe I should confide in her, but is it too soon for this? I just feel so horrible inside now. None of this is my fault and I don't know how much longer I can cope with this inner turmoil. I feel like crying and crying tonight when I should be so excited about uni tomorrow

Sorry this has been so long. I just don't know what to do anymore

If you answer the email she wil come back with abuse.

she willnot say 'darling I am sorry, please forgive me'

She will continue to abuse and bring you down.

I really recomend not engaging.

try to allow yourself to be good to yorself

Jesus Christ.
What despicable people. They betrayed yuo.
They have no right to pass opinion on anything you do.
Fuck 'em.

LOVE your post MoonDog, so succinct and so right!

Oh, you are all so lovely on here. you really are. I know what you are saying is right. In one way I would love to cut off all ties amd never have to worry about it again. However if I did that my grandparents would certainly ask questions, as would my Aunt and then they may cut me off for being what appears to be so indifferent to a woman who cares for a disabled man. I don't think I could bear it if they all cut me off then too as, they are the only extended family I have left I also don't want them to think what they did is ok but I know having it out with them would be worse for me too as it would end up in a torrent of abuse and accusations.

I do have a sister who is 29 and still lives with them. She has no social skills and I can't even bear to think about how I have failed her too as we don't speak. She is probably the biggest victim in all this but is also fiercly loyal. She knows nothing else.

DP needs the PC now so I will have to go but I will do my bestto enjoy uni tomorrow and will come back on here later or tomorrow.

Thank you so much for listening to me. It really does mean so much to know that people are on my side

Once you cut her out you will begin to 'de-programme' yourself and the 'misguided loyalty' will subside... it never completely goes away, after all you almost always love your parents regardless of how much shit they put on you.

Try counseling again and speak to your friends about it and let them support you.

You have nothing to feel guilty about but it is common to carry on that feeling for decades after the abuse, especially when the mother has been complicit in the abuse. You become conditioned to see it from 'her point of view' and justify her behaviour... the reality is she let you and herself down and SHE not you is responsible for that. She is obviously unwilling to confront that and make amends but that doesn't mean your should be poisoned by it forever.

Congratulations in getting into uni. I started p/t when DS2 was 3 months (only about a day a week) and I LOVED it. The break was fantastic and I was a really much happier and more attentive mum having had a break from my boys for a while.

Your parents do not deserve you as a daughter.

My ex -boyfriend had a terribly abusive relationship with his parents and eventually in his 30's cut all ties. He wrote to them both to tell them why, and told the rest of the family exactly why he no longer wanted to see them. His brother and grandparents stood by him and they no longer see his parents. His sister on the other hand cut links with him, she too had misguided loyalty. He is now much happier (and a fantastic father to two lovely kids).

I won't add to the great advice others have given except to reiterate, please do get some support, whether a therapist or a helpline or other organisation. You don't have to bear it alone.

And one thing you could try next time you feel overwhelmed by anger and upset is going to your room, shutting the door and hitting pillows and shouting.

Congratualtions on everything you've achieved without the support of your parents. Your DC is lucky to have you as a mother.

I'm so sorry this happened to you beyonddistressed and absolutely NONE of this is your fault. Don't let your evil 'mother' destroy your pride and happiness at getting into university.

I agree with those who say break contact. Cutting them out of your life will be a positive step.

Please do try counselling again. Someone above suggested Rape Crisis. Just because it's in the past doesn't mean they will not be able to offer support. They WILL be hugely sympathetic and supportive.

Congratulations on making a success of your adult life despite the best efforts of your seriously inadequate parents.

You were abused and your mother was complicit.

In your situation I would be tempted to write a long, heartfelt letter laying out everything that happened and why you no longer feel able to have contact with them.

I hope university works out well for you.

Beyonddistressed, don't be so sure your other relatives would cut you off.

They would of course ask questions about why you're not in touch with your parents anymore. Abusers hate things coming out in the open and hate questions being asked because it means the truth is coming out.

It's a massive decision that only you can make and decide you're ready for. Maybe now just concentrate on your studies and your son, the positive things in life?

I agree with Janni about writing a letter. This is what I did. Even if you don't send it, writing it will help you start to process your feelings

you know, i think youv e been amazing, kepping your ds away from them and coping so well as you seem to have.
personally, i like to think id tell the aunt and not hide it from anyone who asked in fact. its something THEY ought to be ashamed of, not you. id tell her to fuck right off, and why.
and i reckon you should go into uni with your head held high and know that shes jealous as fuck that you are doing so well and shes a bitter twisted f'd up person whos blown her chance at life.

I guess I now have an awful lot of thinking to do. I was so tempted to fire off an emotional reply when I got the horrid email from her today and now I am so glad I didn't. I need to take some time to decide on the right course of action to take. Whether I like it or not it seems as if things are about to come to a head and I need to decide how I am going to deal with it and what approach to take. Its going to be bloody hard but I will have to handle it in the best way I can.

I just feel so sad and let down. I look around at my friends who all have such fantastic, loving families and I wish I had the same. Instead I have got all this turmoil and guilt to deal with.

I am so grateful for all you wise mumsnetters who can give me non biased advice, because no matter how much I know this is something I never asked for, I still can't help feeling guilty too. You have all helped me to put some of this into perspective and to realise I am not the one to blame. They are.

Please do not feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. They were/are evil people. They both abused you. I know you had some therapy but try again to speak to someone. You sound like a wonderful mum.

I think you are a brave mum and woman. You deserve peace and the oportunity to go to uni without any sorrow, What happened to you is awfull, and yes, I agree you should stop seing your parents and protect yous son. Parents are the ones that behave like that, not those who hurted you so much! Go forward to uni and keep yourself away from them. You must survive something so terrible, and give yourself some good things. Be brave, let them go from your life if you have to. xxx

They are the ones to blame, sure they are!! Sometimes people die in our hearts as well as they die in real life. And we must learn to live our lives without the one who are already dead. Do not blame yourself, try to get some help if you feel like that, but DO NOT blame yourself for a crime someone did to you.

xxx

know what you mean in a way, i feel guilty for being raped in my teens even tho i know intellectually it wasnt my fault. do seek some counselling and take it at a pace you feel ok with... time and talking will help to heal imo/e.
you are NOT responsible for the happiness/wellbeing/behaviour/feelings of the other adults in your family. you should be able to tell people, inc her, about the facts of the past. how they react to that is down to them. none of it was nor is your fault. you were a child, and you have been more adult than they seemingly ever have. you are responsible for the way you conduct yourself, not the way others do.

You have not left your sister down, they have.

Sometimes the right decision has seemingly the worst or the scariest consequences. Even if your extended family do cut you off, you need to know that you have still done the right thing. It would say more about them, not you, if that happened. Counselling beforehand would help you deal with the potential outcome of a disclosure.

The subject of abuse amongst a family can cause people to react very strangely but the key thing is not to try to control it... be true to yourself and let them get on with it.

Secrecy and guilt gives abuse more power- that's why people go lifetimes without telling anyone.

You need a counsellor who puts you at the heart of things. I'm sure there is someone wise on here who will be able to point you in the right direction.

You are brave and strong and so right in taking a decision that will improve prospects for all of you.

Your mother is guilty and jealous. Ignore that voice, listen to your voice and MN's voice.

Try some affirmations, just look in the mirror and Say something like 'I am a brave strong woman and I am really enjoying being at university'......or whatever is right for you!!

Sorry in a rush, blessings EM

Your parents wouldn't let you put your toothbrush near theirs in case you gave them AIDS? That is so cruel and so utterly dysfunctional that it makes me very angry for the poor little girl that you were, struggling with two reprehensible parents. You need to give yourself a big pat on the back for surviving this, for stopping the cycle and making a better life for yourself.

There was a really good post on here before where someone said that your mother will never change. I have to second that, as someone who has a toxic mother herself, she will never say she is sorry and give you a hug and it might be better for you if you just cut off contact from her, or limit it severly. It will definitely help your emotional wellbeing anyway, it has with mine.

Good luck with university...

Keep away. How can they expect anything from you now?

It is a shame about your GPs and I have no answers to that, but please don't feel loyalty to your mum. You know she doesn't deserve it.

The sensible part of me knows you are all 100% right. I am not to blame for ANY of this, yet those feelings of guilt and responsibility keep surfacing too. Perhaps counselling is the only thing that will enable me to deal with this so I can bury those feelings once and for all. And so for you Nappiesgalore going through what you did. dDd you see anyone about it?

I kept waking up last night feeling upset and angry about everything but I told myself to forget about her stinking nasty attitude and to not give it any thinking time at all as she did not deserve this of me. It worked and I was able to get back to sleep when normally I would lie awake for hours stewing about it. I stated uni today and didn't think about her once either I was that busy!

I think I may give it a few weeks until I feel settled at uni and then will see my personal tutor to see if I can get a referral to student support for some counselling. At least it will be free and I will be able to arrange it around lectures etc. Or would I be best to keep this monster and uni separate?

I think the student counselling could be a very good idea - at least give it a try, and if it feels right for you, keep going. The Stately Homes thread is extremely supportive for people in your position - have you ever had a look at it? I don't have any real experience of "toxic parenting" so I have felt inappropriate for me to leave a comment there, but I did train as a therapist, and I have to say it seemed to me to be an incredible resource and truly inspirational - much more useful than some flaky counsellor IME, but I did train with some numpties, lol!

I think you are right too to give this some time before (or if )responding. Your life is quite possibly on a hugely exciting upward curve just now, and you deserve the space to enjoy it and get around to dealing with any draining family stuff in your own bloody good time. All the best to you, you deserve it!