Sexually incompatible?

[Everard]

I am going through a rough patch with dh at the moment. The source of the problem is, in a word, sex. He wants more than me but I have read enough on previous threads to know this is relatively normal so I am not bothered about that. But lately, even when we do have sex (in other words, when I can summon up the desire and the energy) things have not been working out I either find dh's overtures boring or unstimulating. Sex is very one dimensional.

Now I know I am supposed to tell him what I want (and I do know what I would like to try) but I don't find I am able to talk to him about it. He has always made me feel embarrassed about sex and I know that simply telling him what I would be prepared to try would be a passion killer. I am not sure if this is his fault or mine though - mine, I guess.

He is the only sexual partner I have ever had (can you tell?) and I am beginning to wonder now if we are sexually incompatible. We have a strong relationship in other respects, and I have never before felt that sexual compatibility was so important, but as time goes by, I am beginning to feel differently.

Can anyone advise? I am a regular mumsnetter who has name changed in case anyone is sceptical of this subject being discussed on a Sunday afternoon when teenagers are on the computer!

it's wrong her to apportion balme for anything here. It is the height of insensitivity though to make someone feel embarrassed about their sexualness, and it is no wonder that you feel less than enthused by the idea of it. Sex should be fun, not a horrid chore.
Sex is rooted in emotion rather than physicality, and I am a bit misunderstanding what oyu mean by a 'strong relationship in other respects'. you mean the day-to-day stuff, or the notions of respect/admiration/lovingness?

Oh I just meant we are good friends and compatible in other ways, such as parenting, and lifestyle. I don't want anyone to say "leave him and find someone else" assuming that our whole relationship is rotten because it isn't.

Instead of telling him what you want, can you show him- whether that is by leading his hands, mouth or whatever?

If you cannot talk and really communicate on this level, it does seem to say that your relationship is not as good as you think it is.

Why does he make you feel embarrassed? Why would telling him what you want be a passion killer? Is HE embarrassed?

Can you be more specific when you say he makes you feel embarrassed - what does he say? Are you sure it is HE who is making you feel embarrassed, or is it your own lack of experience?

The whole point of good sex is that you try to please each other- does he not listen to you? does he not ask what you like? Is he equally experienced- not may partners before you?

would like to help, but need more information as to what you really mean.

He would listen to me if I could tell him what I wanted. He certainly does try to please me. But he is no more experienced than me, in fact less so.

I don't know why it embarrasses me. It always has done. I had had boyfriends before him and enjoyed french kissing etc with them but when I met dh, although I felt great attraction towards him (and still do occasionally) things progressed very slowly between us. It took ages for us to kiss properly. I think his inexperience was the problem there, but I don't really understand why as I knew what I was doing, so why couldn't I just lead him?

Well, I name changed for this so I suppose I should be free to be explicit. I really get turned on by domination, but in my every day life, I am not submissive at all. In fact, I find any sort of domination or an inequality in every day life totally horrific. Dh and I have an equal relationship in day to day matters, and I suppose I am afraid if I let on that I like domination in sexual matters, he will try to adopt a domineering attitude in every day life and that would annoy me greatly. Also, in the early days, before we got set in our ways, I got the impression dh likes to be dominated too, but I find submission in men a complete turn off.

I guess our relationship is not that great. I simply don't feel I can trust him not to laugh at my sexual desires.

I think you should get yourselves off to Relate and see a counsellor who is experienced in sexual therapy- you need expert help here.

He would listen to me if I could tell him what I wanted. well....why aren't you?

Your posts are full of contradictions- have you noticed that? You say he makes you feel embarrassed, but in fact it it not him, it it you who feel embarrassed.

How long have you been together?

If you didn't build up sexual rapport before you were married, then it is a big hill to climb if you are both shy about it.

Get some help-even if you go by yourself first it might give you some ideas and confidence.

I knew you would say go to relate. But how can I? I am cringing with embarrassment at having said what I did in my last post and that is under a false name so no-one here in cyberspace can link what I have said to the persona they already know. How can I go and say any of this to a real person in real life?

Are my posts full of contradictions? It might be that I am not explaining myself well because I am too embarrassed. Believe me, I would not be posting at all if I weren't already desperate.

We are both from pretty conservative backgrounds I should think: single sex schools, not much in the way of experience before we met each other, not very worldly wise. We have been together 20 years.

20 years!!!! Have you been feeling like this all that time- you poor thing. Have you got DCS?

Relate counsellors are used to dealing with all sorts. They have seen and heard it all before....like doctors.

Maybe you should try to see that talking about it to a stranger is going to help you come to terms with your own sexuality.

When I said you were contradicting yourself, it was because you seemed initially to blame your DH for this situation by saying he makes you feel embarrassed about what you like - but then you said that you could not tell him what you liked.

Have you ever had good sex with him? Have you ever orgasmed with him? Do you still fancy him?

Does he know you are unhappy? Is HE unhappy too?

Do you like anything he does, or you do to him, or do you just suffer sex and want it over with quickly? Could you start by asking him if there is anything he would like you to do, and then see if he asks you?
Are you ashamed of what you would like him to do?

So many questions!

It is hard to explain about the embarrassment thing. I can't remember the full details, but I remember once in the early days initiating something with him and he teased me about it and made me feel slutty for initiating anything. I know he did not mean to make me feel bad. I know it was my own hang ups that made me sensitive to his teasing, but it has stayed with me ever since and so I am reluctant to go into details with him about what I would like, especially as what I would like is, of itself, humiliating.

Yes we have had good sex on occasions and yes of course I have always orgasmed. I am not hung up in that sense! I fancy him sometimes, when in the throes of passion, but not really otherwise. Poor man, I feel sorry for him saying that, but if you want the honest truth! Yes he knows I am unhappy but maybe not why. Yes I know he is unhappy too. I do have an inkling that there are things he would like me to do, but, as I suggested earlier, they do not turn me on, in fact they rather revolt me. Oh dear, start using the word revolt in a conversation and sexual compatibility and we are walking down a dead end road, aren't we?

no-one should do anything they are not comfortable with - if you don't like it, then say NO.

I once had a BF who was a sexual counsellor- he used to write for Cosmo etc a long time back- one feature he did was "It's okay to say No"- meaning only do what you feel happy with.

I stll say you should try counselling- even on your own- after the first5 minutes of feeling embarrassed you should be okay.

Otherwise/as well you really have to have a conversation with your DH- if you can have sex with him ( even not-too-good-sex) you can talk to him, surely?

Maybe tell him you need to talk and put some time aside for it and have a drink beforehand to relax you a bit!