Need some wise words about my feelings towards dh

[IBottleItUp]

I am in such a quandry, and its making me so sad (have namechanged)

I cannot figure out if I'm sad because of my mariage ,or my marriage is crap because I am sad.

My dh adores me. I mean, REALLy adores me. He always has. We have been together 20 years this year, he's my only partner.

Yet I go through these regular instances of 'shutting down' emotionally. Thats the only way I can describe it.

During these phases, I find him physically unattractive to the point where I cannot bear to be touched or cuddled and I feel myself flinch when he tries to kiss me.

To this end we have not had sex for weeks and weeks.

Usually its my 'desire' for sex that breaks this drought, but its not because I 'fancy' him per se, just because I need some. But then we do become closer again, it reactivates our closeness and things get back to normal.

But I keep having these feelings that we have nothing in common apart from the kids. We share a similar sense of humour. He tries so hard but just succeeeds in bugging me even more.

I appreciate this sounds so unreasonable of me, so please I don't want to hear You bitch! I know how horrible I sound. But I keep feeling like this, and I know its not fair on him.

In my really down times I feel cheated...cheated that I have never been with another man, cheated that my life feels so trapped, and I wonder whether we will stay together when the children have grown up.

We only get one life and I don't want to waste mine feeling like this anymore.

Sorry for the ramble....hope some sense can be gleaned from this.....

Sorry to run away now but have to go out (shall attempt not to get in my car by myself and just keep driving). Sorry also about the email swop, mine still isn't playing ball. Perhaps I could set up a new account? ANyone got any ideas of an email provider? Already have hotmail and yahoo!
I'll check in with the thread later, hope your day is ok bottledup, take care x

Ok Dazed, nice to chat to you and realise I am not alone. Perhaps we could hold each others hand if we ever are brave enough to venture to Gp/Consellor about how nuts we are!

Have a good day...don't keep driving.....

really? oh dear

itsveri k AT hotmail DOT com

will check it

This is how I felt things would turn out if I stayed with my exBF, I felt so unfulfilled, and I was with him 6 years not 20!

It felt just how you described your situation though. I couldn't see how I could bring myself to split up when he was such a good person and thought so much of me and we were so close, but I just didn't find him sexually attractive and didn't really respect him all that much because I saw him as having a weak character at the time. I felt I hadn't had enough experience, with other men and with life in general to 'settle for' my first boyfriend and he was very controlling and wouldn't let me go anywhere with anyone, male or female, without him. He didn't physically stop me but I couldn't face the arguments if I did it.

It was incredibly depressing, the thought that this was how it was going to be for the rest of my life. I felt so bored and numb and my life felt like a disappointment. Although I did have depression, I don't think it was caused by this depressing situation. I had depression for years with him and after him. ADs did not work on me. Sorting out the root causes, finding what I wanted for my life and therapy worked.

I ended up losing control of myself and sleeping with someone else, I just couldn't keep it bottled up any more. I feel this could happen to you if an opportunity with a man you found reasonably attractive came along! I just felt I needed to break out! After doing that, it made the decision for me that we had to split up because it would be so unfair on him if I kept doing it. He never knew what I had done.

I often think "Thank God we didn't stay together, my life could have been so crap". It was really scary leaving him, making myself tell him we were splitting up, making him cry etc and really hard to adapt to life because I had become so dependant on him. It took so much courage that it scares me what if I hadn't been able to make myself do it. We are both happy in the marriages we have got now to other people. I've still felt guilty about it but Therapist said it was the best thing for him as well as me so that he could find someone who loved him properly rather than me just going through the motions and deceiving him.

I'm not sure how relevant my little story is if you have been together so much longer and are much older than I was when we split up (23) and know much more about what you want because you know yourself better. I'm sorry I have been a bit self indulgent in that your post reminded me of exBF and when I started typing I couldn't stop!

tbh it sounds like you are married to your best friends rather than the love of your life and although leaving is hard (and leaving your best friend is almost impossible), it would be the kindest thing to do in the long run to give you both the chance to move on.
"there may be a handful of people you could live with but there is only one you can't live without" This was said at my mom's wedding to my stepdad, after her 27 year marriage to my dad, and it was so true. I just wished it happened sooner for her and she didn't put her life on hold for the kids,we didn't want that. you only live once

Ibottleitup I tend to think about dh like this when I am pre-menstrual. Just checking you feel like this most of the time ?

IBIU, Colette has said something which strikes a chord with me - I realised that I feel this way towards life/DH at times every month too, but it took ages to notice that the feelings were cyclical - my moods are completely at the mercy of my hormones which are messed up a bit since having DC3. Have you tried any supplements? I am thinking perhaps Omega 3/Starflower Oil/Agnus Cactus - these are all good things to try if you find your "down" times are regular and could be hormonal. (I'm not suggesting for a minute that what you are feeling isn't valid, but it might be something to explore).

What has also helped me is trying to make my own happiness, rather than pinning all of expectations on DH - small things like taking more time for myself, exercising a little every day (and I do mean a little!) wearing make up and clothes which make me feel more part of the human race! Somehow just doing little things to look after my own needs helps me feel better towards DH - like I am not relying on him for all my emotional needs, if that makes sense? Sorry that sounds a bit patronising, and it's not meant to, I'm just rubbish at putting thoughts into words!

Hope things get better for you soon whatever happens

MrsShapely, I SO agree with everything you wrote.

I tried all those PMS supplements and they didn't do much for me except Omega3 seemed to work a bit. Going back on the pill seems to have calmed me down in some areas although I'm having some side effects which I'm hoping might die down. But I'm not having those extreme phases about once a month of thinking "Oh my god, my life is shit, I must make some drastic changes and leave DH and I have such an urge to grab this other man I don't know if I can control it" - (which could destroy everything).

I also do those little things you said that make you feel good without help from your DH - makeup, necklaces, nice shoes, doing my nails, going for coffees with friends, going out with friends without DH sometimes, getting a new CD - stupid little things, and it really does make a difference! Little things to 'sparkle up' your life and not make you think that if your DH is a bit crap then your whole life is crap.

Any DH is going to be a bit crap or boring and imperfect after being with him for years and years! (been with mine 12 years) What you do depends on whether you seriously think things are that bad and you could be much happier with someone else. I sometimes compare my life to other people's and think would I like to have their DH instead or have the life of some of my single friends, and nobody I know has actually got a life I would rather have. This thought is very comforting to me even though it could be seen as bitchy.

Of course if you seriously are depressed you need more than new shoes and a coffee with a mate and a few positive thoughts, but I do think you are right MrsShapely that people should make sure there isn't something clouding your judgement eg PMS, lack of sleep, lack of nutrition, not enough drinking water, not enough time spent with other people/time spent on self care, general boredom not because of DH BEFORE doing something drastic.

God this sounds like it contradicts my last post, sorry!

Bottledup, I've managed to set up a new mail account! If you still want to chat then its:
dazed and confuddled @ googlemail . com (minus the gaps obviously).
Hope your day has been ok - I've perfected the moody teenager act which I feel pretty dreadful about but I can't pretend all is ok.

Dazed, have emailed you. Hope you get it.

To answer some of the other points made, yes I do think PMT platys a big part in how I feel about dh and life...but its not the only reason I feel like this. It goes much deeper than that.

I really don't know how to get around the problem. I think hamging on in there until the children have left home is my only option. I don't know what I would do otherwise, not because I am dependent on him (only financially), but because I couldn't do that to my children. They don't know how unhappy I am.

I don't have expectations of him, infact most days the less I have to do with him the better then I don't have to pretend.