How do I tackle my dh and mil - the eternal couple

[tryingherbest]

Changed my name but have posted many times and feel ashamed that I'm still in relationship.

What do I best do about this? This year we (meaning me hd and ds) have spent 3.5 months with mil - mainly in my two bedroomed flat. We had to go to her country to pick her up to bring her here and it was only 6 weeks into her stay that I was kindly told she was staying another 4 weeks.

Then I tooks two weeks leave to take ds and spend tme with my mum who lives about 1.5 hours away (but she's quite old) in August - but dh went beserk and instisted we spend one of those weeks in his country. End up spending another week in dh's co0untry to see mil and then only one week with my mum - in August the first time this year.

H and I have big issues. In fact we flew to hd country, spent a tedious week (won't go into that - but I have babysitter status there), fly back to UK and straight to my mum's, dh spends three days and then leaves in a huff at about midnight saying he wants to leave me. My mum had locked up for the night and had to let him 0out. She was worried about him and begged him to stay until morning - he called me all names under the sun to her (eg I was mad, I'm a bitch etc). And left.

Me and ds returned home three days later as I have to go back to work. You don't even want to know the state of the flat in the 4 days he was home alone. He's sulking. I'm trying to keep things togehter. My 70 year old mum is very upset.

Tonight dh is again very upset saying he now has to work over christmas - and he was planning to bring mil here as that what she wants. Note I'm informed, not asked.

Well I'd arranged with him to spend Christmas with my mum as we'd only spent a one week with her to date. He's gone bonkers.

His mum is constanly calling him everyday at work and drives this relationship. Eg. one night Saturday, phone rings, I pick up, there's silence - I keep asking who it is, eventually she says it's her but had thought she'd dialled dh's work - well that shows that she won't ever phone here when I'm around but has a hot line every day to his place of work and this where decisions are made.

How the hell do I manage this. dh won't here a thing about this. No relate, nothing. My parents who are very liberal are hopping mad - given mil know's i've only seen my mum with ds one week this year - what the fxxx is she playing at - and my hd. he keeps citing divorce and threatens to take our ds away.

Let him go back by himself.

If he's so unhappy then tell him to leave - he can go back home and to his beloved family.

Seriously. Cod bumped one of your threads from the past to show how long this has been going on for.

Get out of this toxic relationship.

Try and envisage your DS in 20 years time. Do you want him to become just like his Dad is now?

people stay in toxic relationships for years because they can't quite believe it is really happening and think it will get better.

I do recommend looking here I really do - it shows how common it is in verbal/emotional abuse and isolation.

If he loved you he wouldn't allow his mother to treat you like this. He has chosen to behave like this.

You and your son deserve better than this. You must be a nervous wreck.

Please, take legal advice, and get away from this situation.

"Seriously - my dh was THE nicest guy - how do I get that back"

Stop focussing on him and concentrate on what's happening to you and your son. You won't get him back, infact that nice character may not have ever existed but was a front. Emotionally abusive men are often very plausible in real life.

Your husband has always been controlled to the nth degree by his domineering and interfering mother; it will always be thus. Infact this would have happened regardless of whom he married. You married his family as well as him.

The only thing you can do is save your own self and by turn your son from a life of further emotional misery by leaving him (and leaving is not something I advocate lightly). Its not doing your son any favours at all seeing his Mum like this.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents - your son is being taught damaging lessons here.

Where do you want to be in a year's time - still posting about this sad old situation and doing nothing to change it or saying that you've made a new life with your son apart from your abusive husband?.

Tryingherbest- if, as I understand, you are mainly in the UK, then at least you have your support network to help you with this...
I'm in the south of Italy and so many women live their lives like this- the older generation live their lives through their children and that's not going to change any time soon. You probably wouldn't have been good enough for her son if you were from the same street as she was....
I haven't seen my MIL for 5 yrs and that's the reason my relationship has survived. It came down to me or her and I chose me.
Regarding the passport issues- (I used to work in this field) the UK authorities are very clued up (unfortunately these days they have to be) when fathers travel alone with children, but I would still definitely keep my son's UK passport (presuming he has one) with me at all times. Leave it at your mothers. (Is your son also on your husband's ID card?)
When I started reading this thread I imagined we were talking about some backwards 3rd world country.....I guess in some ways we are.
So sorry for your situation.

I remember your posts from when you were worried that they were trying to kidnap your DS from you, whilst on holiday to your DHs country I was worried about you for awhile.

I remember your posts when you where worried about the holiday to see your 'dying' (?) FIL. We all unanimously said leave H then but it seemed that they'd brainwashed you into thinking that it woukd be OK (I'm not criticising you, BTW). You have to leave this relationship soon, it's going to get worse not better and one day you will end up without your son. You need to spend more time with people who will support you and less with MIL and H who are eroding your confidence and self esteem. I can totally empathise with your feelings regarding MIL as I have a similar one who is not as bad but still by awful, very undermining and tries to delegate me to the status of nanny/cleaner. Make plans to get out and stay out NOW

TryingHerBest - last night you said "the question is what am I doing wrong" - NO! This is NOT about what you are doing right or wrong. There is NOTHING which you can do which will change his nature or your MIL's nature. This is not your fault.

That's why you're staying, right? You think that there is a right way to do this which will make it all ok, and the problem is just that you aren't good enough, aren't trying hard enough, haven't found the right answer yet.

It's a common problem - us women have grown up thinking it's our job to sort out relationships, and when we can't manage it, that must be our fault.

SISTER - IT AIN'T SO !!!!!

Whether or not the lovely guy you married really existed, I can't say - I've heard enough stories of how the lovely guy changed when the girlfriend (to be treated like royalty) became the wife and mother of the children (glorified babysitter). But what is clear is that he's not around now - and there are no signs that he's going to reappear. You have to deal with the man you are now married to, and his behaviour.

And you know that the way he behaves is just not right - if someone else was posting what you've written, you'd be telling her that, wouldn't you.

Please, please, please get proper legal advice - maybe this time from a firm who are not such complete numpties though! Find out how to protect yourself and your child, and do whatever is necessary to make it impossible for him to abduct your child to Italy. Then look at getting out - maybe just for a while, but that at least. Rebuild your life without him, then see if you want him in it at all, and if so then negitiate what is acceptable and what is not.

Don't let your life and your child's life be ruined by these people.

This is so not your fault. Do not for a second believe that - your MIL is an adult and can take responsibility for her own appalling behaviour, as can your DH.

I can understand you wanting back the man you thought you had, but that is NOT going to happen if you stay there and continue to enable him to behave like this.

Please, please, for the sake of your child if not yourself, get out.

As AMutiny wisely says, even if only for a short while, live without this horrible atmosphere which has ground you down so much that you think it's something you're doing wrong (IT IS NOT!!), and see how different it can be, see how it is possible to live without him (and his M!), then you will be able to decide what you want in a clear-headed way. You sound far too worn down, stressed and unhappy to make that decision whilst still living with him.

I understand that you don't want to be a single parent. And no, that's not ideal. But then, nor is this shell of a marriage. Anything else has got to be better than that. Are you saying that you'd rather be with this man than alone? But you wouldn't be alone. You're British, living in Britain, and with friends and family around. Get rid of this waste of space pronto. In time, you'll be SO MUCH HAPPIER. There is a much better life waiting for you round the corner. You just need to take the step...

Don't disappear on us again thb!