Total loss of libido since being a mum

[souvenir]

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Oh yes! I love cuddles and kisses but any cuddle that lasts for a few seconds gets dh going... sigh!

I wish I knew if this is a temporary thing or if I should be really worried. We're totally out of practice and I feel like I'm with a teenager (fumble, rush, grope, iyswim!) rather than a grown up and experienced man. It is such a turn off not to be kissed or touched properly!

Anonymouschap

Can I just say that I always want to be cuddled, as a sign of affection (we cuddle every night, unless we've had an almighty row, which is rare).

Sometimes the cuddling turns to lovemaking. I would be upset if I thought dh only cuddled becos he thought it would get him sex tho'.

IMO if there is no cuddling at all, there is a deep rift between the couple, worse than just a dormant libido.

Can I revive this, as this very problem seems to be in danger of splitting us up

I love DH dearly, but just find his constant desire for sex irritating and counter-productive (I.e. it makes me even less likely to want it...)

DH even seems to be TRYING so hard to find the 'magic combination' of things, so for example he tried to pamper me (on behalf of the kids) on Mothers Day, and last night we went to our health cluc for a jacuzzi/ steam room relaxing evening. But he spoils it by 'flagging' that he's expectign sex later ("and when we get home we can have a nice snuggle in bed together..") I just think 'urgh' who do you think you are that you can tell me what I'm going to do later...

Result last night was that I made it clear that his advances were'nt welcome and he ended up storming off downstairs saying 'we have to sort this out'.

It feels so much like a chore, I really don't feel like enduring it 'just to be nice', and I also am getting highly cynical about his kind moments as I feel he's just trying to notch up 'credit points' with me...

Don't know what to do next really...

That's what worries me Easy - I could say this on a whole bunch of the messages here at the top - we don't show any affection at all to each other, and to be honest it's apparent now that she never found me at all attractive.

I think she feels trapped the way things are, so we can't split up, although that's not what I want, I think that she would be happier if we did, in the long run.

But we can't afford to, we have responsibilities, so we carry on, like "normal" people, and when we argue it stays with me, and builds up, and there never seems to be any way back to the place that I'm beginning to doubt ever existed.

Anonymouschap,

What happens if you try to be affectionate towards your partner?

And have you tried sitting down over a glass of wine and Talking about your situation? (sorry if you have discussed this elsewhere, I'm an occaisional visitor here these days).

I can't remember, lol

So does that mean you have stopped trying?

And you say you think she never found you attractive, but if that's the case, how did you ever get to be together?

Tiredwife-are you there? I'm where you are although not so cynical as just feel downright sorry for DH. We are not really even managing once a month -my libido disappeared just before we got married after a bereavement and a bought of depression-two kids later,it never returned.So has been nearly five years and alot of arguements but also patience from him but I know he thinks its him and that I dont fancy him(I do).Dont really know what to do-tried a small amount of counselling but was in the day so had to go on my own and then couldnt get anyone to look after ds so went pearshaped.

Hi Dropinthe - thanks for replying - my post got a bit lost there!

Don't know what to do - we had another argument about it over the weekend.
Strangely your circumstances sound like mine - two fairly traumatic births in the last 5 years/PND after no.1/ a breavement of a parent/ lots of issues at work (both DH & I made redundant when I was PG with no.2....
I just feel like I want to take a 6 month 'sabbatical' to get myself back 'together', but I just can't see how it's going to happen - I'm the major beradwinner at the moment and I can't afford to put my job at risk (working full time).

I have also thought about counselling - do you think it might help? We even have access to a consellor through work, perhaps I should try that?

Sorry wasnt around to reply!Been trying to keep busy as stopped smoking last week.
Counseling was beginning to help as at least got us talking(its all very taboo isnt it!!especially when friends/relatives touch on the subject without knowing the problem or when watching Emmerdale and Paddy isnt getting it
I do know how you are feeling and its horrible because you would give anything to get that mojo back again(we had it for about two years before my step father died-lots of sexy holidays doing naughty things in swimming pools etc etc).I also agree thata sabbatical to sort our heads out would be great-say Mauritius??Ah!!!!!!!!!

Hello! Have just discovered this site, it is so amazing to read that I am not alone! Have been worried for ages about lack of sex, really have no interest in it whatsoever since becoming pregnant with first child. Had second child 3 months ago and still nothing! Poor P v fraustrated whereas I would be happy never to do it again!!! It is a shame that theres no miracle cure, did visit gp between kids who did a blood test but said I was probably just tired and run down! You're telling me!!! Quite worried that if I don't do something soon P will look elsewhere, it has been over 2 years since we had anything resembling a sex life! Don't feel able to just go through the motions though, there needs to be more to it than that!

i also lost my sex drive after my first child and have had second child 3.5 months ago - i find that i am only doing it to keep my partner happy, i could quite happily go without it for the rest of my life. not sure how to overcome this, nothing seems to work

Hi Danni,
(just changed nickname from honeyalice!)

Am impressed that you can do it for his sake, wish I could! Can't stand anything more than a quick kiss and cuddle! I love him dearly and we used to have a great sex life but it's almost like we live together as friends. I feel like I have constant demands on me from toddler & bf baby that when I am free of them I just want to have some personal space! Really am burying head in sand (well have been up to now anyway!) and hoping it will improve! How old is your youngest?

Hi again, just realised that you already said youngest 3.5 months, mine is too. Lets hope that as they get older things will improve. Definately a bit more regular sleep might help!