Feeling down, dh and I are not getting on and my mother has cancer

[genia]

Hi everybody
I'm feeling sad at the moment for two reasons I suppose. My dh and I are really not getting on well with a string of resentments against one another - a lot of them linked to how little time we have had for each other since the birth of ds (almost 15 months old and the apple of our eyes! - he gets all the compliments from dh, I get none). Also, my mother is having chemotherapy - she is now on her third course and I feel desperately sad that at only 60 she is having to go through this. It would really help to talk to other people who have had parents / loved ones go through this kind of thing.
I feel at a low ebb, and really not in the mood for the tone of voice dh is using when he talks to me at the moment. Somewhere I know he is feeling hurt by me as well, but I'm wondering now why we got together (7 years ago) when we appear to be SO different.
It would just be nice to chat a little.

Hi Genia, I don't really have much to add, except that I am sorry about your mum and I hope that all works out.

My relationship with DH changed dramatically when we had DS now 3.25. We were on the verge of splitting up at one point a year or so ago, what helped for us was that we were lucky my parents took daniel for a whole weekend once a month and one night a week, so DH and I could spend some time together.

I went through a stage of thinking I didn;t get enough attention from DH, until one day, I got my hair done, and dressed up nice for him (rather than leggings and t-shirts) he loved the effort I made and told me so. I also had a romantic meal for him, candels on the table etc etc. He was really chuffed I made the effort, turns out he thought I wasn't paying him any attention either.

Good Luck. Your probably at that stage (7 year itch), when things go a big stale for a bit, maybe you need to descale (not making too much sense, sorry have a cold and probably high on all the pills and lemsips I am taking)

Thanks for your message Breeze - what do you mean by "descaling"? I do think the phrase "7 year itch" probably has some truth to it now. I made the first move towards dh after a few days of sulking yesterday and things are better for now. Still not how I'd like them to be but I guess that takes some time of both of us behaving better towards each other, as you say.

Genia,poor you.Things must be very stressful at the moment.Haven't been in your situation with an ill parent,hope you get some support here with someone in similar situation.With your dh all I can think of without knowing much is the obvious to keep talking about feelings and what you need from him,just let him know what you're thinking.Sometimes even a row can improve things.Don't forget to treat yourself while you're feeling down.Give yourself something to look froward to at the end of the day.Let us know how things are going.

Genia, I'm sorry to hear what a tough time you're having...have you seen Mo2's posting on Health: feeling desperate don't know what to do... - might help to compare notes. I've been recently re-reading the Secret of Happy Children by Stephen Biddulph and it's struck me even more than the first time that his point about putting yourselves as a couple first makes for a much happier child/home life etc. you both need a break - do you have a sitter who could help so you could just go & see a film or have a meal on your own? both of you could draw up a list of what you want to do together and take it in turns. I hope your mum's treatment goes well, keep us informed, x

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I sympathise with your mum being ill as my mum also had cancer. Sometimes it's just hard to pick yourself up and cope with the day to day things or relate to other people especially when you feel so down. You should however try talking to dh and explain to him how you are feeling. It's much better to clear the air than than let things drag on and a bit of communication can sometimes do wonders. Chin up!

Sorry Genia, just read my post and haven't got a clue what I was on about with the descaling, I think I meant destale (not a word I am sure). I often find it takes one to make a real effort and sustain it for a while and then the other respondes quite well. Good Luck and I am off to get another lemsip now, but don't worry I won't post afterwards

Dear Genia

My mum also had cancer a while ago and had combined chemo/radiotherapy. At the time, DH and I were not married and he was far more useful than he has been since. for instance, he cut her hair for her when it was all falling out and she was very upset about it. He would shop for her etc. and when well enough he would take her out. This took a lot of strain off me, as she did not have many friend/family around and he was showing his love for me by supporting my parent in our hour of need. Things definitely changed after marriage and DS, we have loads of resentment towards each other and very little time with each other etc. I still know though as my husband and father of DS he would come through for us.

I live in constant fear of my mum's cancer returning and have to try not to show it as it would freak her out, this is another area of concern for me and she generally has a destabilising effect on my marriage (even when healthy). I just wanted to let you know that I have been through many of the difficulties you describe and understand the pressures you are under. Do remember to pay enough attention to yourself and DS, I made the mistake of martyring myself all through our various problems and suffered. Thinking of you..

Breeze, I think you had it right the first time. The guy definitely needs a good descale. All blokes do from time to time.

:0

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Thanks for your messages everybody.
I think the resentment between dh and I and my Mum not being well are not linked. I don't feel that dh is unsympathetic, in fact if we talk about it he seems sorry. Of course it is not his family member and he cannot really relate, also he sometimes brushes it off optimistically (or used to before this 3rd session of chemo) which would annoy me as he didn't seem to be acknowledging the gravity of it.
As far as dh is concerned, I have been trying to be kinder to him (because it is true that like him, I am nicer to ds) and it has improved things - today was fine until this evening when he was really quite rude to me (told me to "get my arse out of the room" because I had annoyed him), and my good feelings vanished... He works from home and I am at home for the moment so you can imagine how much we see of each other. Plus I suppose he is a little depressed himself about his stage in life and sometimes feels a little impotent to do the things he would really like to do. I resent the lack of physical desire on his part, but I suppose this gets better if both people are happier?

My Mum and I have always, or for a long time, had an ambivalent up and down relationship and this has continued despite the fact that she is not well. My sister is definitely fave daughter and I feel that in comparison I fail miserably. I have tried to help my Mum by getting her books about diet for people with tumours, as well as flaxseed oil and an alfalfa sprouter, but I don't talk much to her about how she feels etc... I guess I can't cope with her emotions and so bury my head in the sand about things. She is a very strong character and I have resented how controlling she tries to be. Now with ds, both my parents come here and are all over him in a way which I find suffocating - guess I must be jealous.

I can totally relate to what you said Pamina about sometimes feeling angry, sometimes sad and a lot of the time trying to think about things... The other thing I feel is total disbelief which hits me like a hammer on the head when I am not expecting it.. it's like some kind of horror movie. I suppose even if you have issues with your mother, she is so much a part of your consciousness that to think she may not be there one day is appalling?

Anyway, I could go on for ages but guess I better stop here for now.

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Hi robinw
the favouring my sister thing has only really been since I changed towards my parents about the time I got together with my partner - 7 years ago. That's when I started to find how intrusive and bossy they could be difficult so I became MUCH more detached, and I think my mother found this very difficult. My sister is much closer to them and more open to them and therefore I don't really blame my mother for getting on better with her. I suppose I resent her a little for never (or seemingly never) asking herself why it is I find her difficult. I do often think about how nice our childhood was and also my mother and I keep on meaning to tell her how much I enjoyed that time and how giving I think she was. Why did your mother favour your brothers - is it that she didn't want to have a girl? That must have been hard.
My partner IS older than me - 46 years old to my 34 so that may well be part of the problem. This morning after our little outbreak last night, we are back to being sarcastic with each other. I guess I will have to gee myself up to being nice again.

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How is your mum now robin?

My mum had cancer 5 years ago. Not a happy story this one as she died 8 months after being diagnosed (aged only 49). Just wanted to say r.e. your dh that mine felt very useless while the illness/grieving thing was happening. He is a very practical person and found it hard to be facing something he could not offer a real solution to. Could this be a factor in the distance between you and your dh? And it IS a reason why you are feeling low/stressed/unappreciated now. You need some support. Have you tried talking to your hv or Dr - they may be able to put you in contact with a local support group for families of cancer sufferers, where you can talk about your feelings with people who share your problems but do not know your mum so you can be more open with them.

Hi Sassy
I am really sorry your mother died. Thank you for your message. I didn't know there were groups for relatives / friends of cancer sufferers - I will investigate as I think it is a good idea. I did become a member of a cancer website but people do not seem to post very often and since many of the people posting are cancer sufferers, I think the things they are going through, though related, are different to the things people close to cancer sufferers go through. Anyway, it would probably be nicer to talk to people face to face. The internet is great but it does have it's limits!
Thanks again.

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Thanks for replying, I hope she continues to get better. Keep us updated.