Marriage broken down, am scared and confused, please help

[twosteps]

I have been married for 11 years and have two DC aged 5 and 7. Our marriage was good and solid until I had a brief emotional affair 2 years ago, my DH found out and I ended it.

Since then my DH understandably has found it hard to put behind him and has brought it up at every oppotunity. I have barely been able to go out with friends on on courses for work without him ringing and texting me the whole time.

This year I had councilling because his constant paranoia (sp) was making me anxious and depressed. I told him that I wasn't prepared to pay for my mistake forever and with therapy i was able to stand up to him and make it clear that it had to be laid to rest. Everything was ok for a couple of months.

Four weeks ago he became obsessed with the fact I was up to something again, even becoming agressive to try and bully the 'truth' out of me. He has persisted with this and made me anxious and unwell to the extent that I have lost 2 stones in weight during that time.
Last week I had a week of evening courses and dispite having the itinary for him to see and a certificate at the end of the week, he is convinced that I wasn't there, everyone is covering for me and I was in fact out with another man.

Yesterday he confronted me with my mobile bill and asked me to explain every number I had texted last month - which stupidly i did. I thought he would calm down now that he had nothing more to go on but this morning he completely lost it and has told me to leave before he gets home tonight. I have never seen him so angry, he even said if I didn't own up he would push me down the stairs (he has never threatened me or the children before)

I am so frightened. he has said that I have contributed nothing to the mortgage ever, which is true as I only started up as a childminder this year after having our children. I would leave and rent somewhere today but I am only registered to work from my home premises.

What do I do now?

oneliein - you are right it is his problem (as it is mine too in my relationship). He should seek help and i have done this and i am now much more aware when i feel low. It is not my h actions or inactions that make me feel insecure but i do know that i ask him for his help from time to time and him being willing to go along with it shows me how much he values my feelings now.

porto - it is sad that you feel scared to ask your partner - communication is the key always.

Whatever you decide make sure you have really thought it through, but if this is not making you happy then change it - that is my mantra now - i am only in the marriage while it works and is good for me (i will never get to the low point i was at before).

I would suggest some time apart if possible. I think your DH needs to see how it feels to be without you and if it's harder than the situation you're in now. It will be difficult but at the moment he could turn around and say that he's ok and then in 2 years time, you could be back here again.

Of course counselling is a good idea too but I really think some space will help in addition. I know that if I were your DH, I would really want to put it behind me but it's not as easy as saying it's his problem.

I have suggested that we separate for a short while and the oppotunity is there because his parents own a very large house just 2 miles away but he refuses. He does in fact refuse every suggestion I have made and as HappyWoman says I think this is because deep down he wants us to stay together.

IYDLYC - This thought has occured to me also - things will be ok for a while and then out of nowhere he finds more 'evidence' of an affair and it all starts again.

Last night I took the dog for a walk and for his peace of mind I left my phone at home. I was constantly mindful that i mustn't be too long otherwise it would start a row. As I turned into our road I suddenly became frightened - What was I going to be faced with when I got back? On previous occasions he had tipped out my handbag and found a slip of paper with a phone number on it (a shop that I buy my pet food from)and he woke me up to question me about it and then didn't speak to me for days. This is just one example of many.

I am so glad I was so needy earlier in the week to start this thread because now, seeing it all written down has cleared my head and made me see that this isn't all my fault.

Thanks everyone and good luck to you all in your relationships.
I will go with him for councelling as it can do no harm but ultimately i will not continue as we are.

No-one should have to put up with any threats of violence whatever they did in the past.

Don't get me wrong, having any sort of affair ia seriously damaging and is going to destroy trust, but all of you saying show empathy for the husband - yes of course 2shoes should - but threatening to push her downstairs unless she confesses to something!!! That is a serious NO

Any other post would have posts shouting DV and telling the OP to get out.

Re-building trust after an affair is a two way thing. The offender has to do everything they possibly can to re-gain the trust but the injured party has to take some of the responsibility also.

I have been there with my ex and in the end I ended it as I couldn't trust him again and it was makign both of us miserable.