Problem with my mother.. can anyone help?

[tallulah]

My mum is easily influenced by whoever she's been talking to, so each time we see her, we never know what she's going to be like. In the last year or so, every time we go to see her we end up being expected to provide food & pay for trips etc., on top of the exorbitant cost of the petrol for the 400 mile round trip. Then when she comes here, we're still expected to provide (because she's paid for petrol?!).
She came to see my kids in a show, as she does each year. She never offers to pay for her ticket (£10) although she knows we're not well off. (It's almost like we should be so pleased she's come?). During the break we went to a cafe, mainly so my DS (11) could refuel. I didn't know if they took plastic & only had £10 on me, so I let him have a dinner & just had coffee & cake myself. Mum ordered the same. When the bill came she sat there & let me pay it. Perhaps I'm being mean but I thought she could have paid for hers (I didn't expect her to pay for us, BTW). We then went to get a lottery ticket & she bought HERSELF a bag of crisps & walked up the road with me & DS, stuffing them!
Am I being unreasonable to be really peeved?
Next month we're all going to Orlando together. She always comes on holiday with us but normally UK. As she seems to be geared up for us paying for everything I'm getting really worried. We're on room only & I'm already worried sick about paying for food for the 6 of us (4 kids & DH), without feeling she's expecting us to pay for her too. If I ever try to talk to her she goes off in a sulk, so it isn't going to be easy to sort it out. It feels like someone has said to her "your DD should pay for you". She isn't badly off, while we're struggling. I really don't expect her to pay for us, but on the other hand we can't afford to sub her. I can see us sitting in a restaurant & the bill coming & her just letting us pay- I can hardly demand separate bills without causing a scene. DH is worried that rows will spoil our (v special & 1-off ) holiday. Any suggestions?

talulah, what a horrible position to be in. I would try to have it out with her before you go. Is there any chance of a reasonable conversation? If you explained that you're really happy she's coming with you but you really can't afford to pay for her too? Or could you work out how much you think it will be for extras and ask her if she is ok with affording it? No, you're not unreasonable to be peeved, not at all. Especially if she expects you to pay for food when you stay with her - I think that's really not on myself (unless it's the done thing in the family and works both ways, which it doesn't by the sound of it). I don't know that she was being unreasonable expecting you to buy coffee and a cake but buying crisps for herself and not your ds just seems to show that she's thoughtless. Sorry, probably not much help but I would try to sort it out before you go. Holidays are supposed to be fun and this issue is making the whole idea stressful for you atm. Good luck, hope someone else has some more creative ideas.

You sound so reasonable I don't think you're being unfair at all. I agree with www, you've got to talk to her, however hard you have to try. You can't let your holiday be ruined by worrying.
Maybe you could raise it by suggesting 'lightheartedly' that you start a kitty for the holiday , so you all put in some money and that money is used to buy meals so avoiding akwardness when you are actually there - even if she doesn't go for this maybe it will at least start the conversation. Good Luck.

Katierocket's suggestion is very good about a kitty - but it sounds as though you will have to be quite blunt & say something like 'goodness, we've been calculating the cost of the meals & it would be sensible to have a kitty - can you contribute £X (remember that in the States you are expected to leave a 15% tip!!)'.

If she won't cough up the Americans are much more agreeable to separate bills that here in the UK - just state this quite clearly when you order - I do know this as I ran a restaurant in the States for a few months.

I agree with Lindy - you can ask for separate bills without causing a scene! Americans are brilliant at that kind of service. "One bill for us and one for the old bag over there, please". (Just kidding - sorry! )

Thank you all for being so supportive. The kitty idea is great, except we usually have to pay with plastic, so I don't know how it'll work. Thanks for the tip about separate bills though. That might be the answer, but I'm going to have to talk to her.
It doesn't help that we've just had the tickets through & we've got to be there an hour earlier than we expected (ie 3 hours before the flight). She's meeting us at the airport (another bone of contention), & going by bus. To cut a long story short we've now got to go up the night before & stay in a hotel. She asked how much it was costing & I told her £160 (2 rooms plus parking). Her answer was, "oh well, you'd have to pay for parking anyway" ! I did point out that the parking on its own would be 1/2 that, plus we'd had to have 2 Family rooms to fit 7, instead of 1 Family & 1 normal for the 6 of us. I've told DH he's got to ring her & tell her how much "her share" works out to. Why did we get ourselves into this?!

You are going to have to bite the bullet and tell her. God, what a situation! I can't believe that your Mother is so thick skinned as to think that you would want to pay for everything! My friend did this once, when we had a meal out. We had everything the same except she had a side salad, which she offered me some of, but I didn't want. Petty, I know, but when the bill came, and she seemed about to halve the bill, I said, 'Oh, my half is, pizza, drink and dessert, so that's xxx to pay.' Perhaps you could do that. Or you could say, 'You had the pasta and the salad. So your share is...' If she says she has not got any money, you could say, 'That's OK, you can pay us later.'

If she is really so stroppy as you say, and you end up paying for everything, then perhaps you should reconsider going on holiday with her in future? The only other thing I can think of is that you send her a letter explaining the situation, and saying how much you love her coming, but that she needs to bring spending money with her for food etc. Also, tell her how much her share of the hotel room at the airport is.

Good luck. Don't let it spoil your holiday. And, if your dh is so cross about it, maybe he would be able to talk to her!!!

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I don't mean to sound rude, but why is your mother coming on holiday with you? I can only imagine your DH must be a saint, if I suggested my mother came on holiday with us it would be a quick march to the divorce courts!! Will she do any babysitting for you to allow you & DH to have some time alone - or is that another bone of contention!!

I haven't been able to get to the computer for a week, so I hadn't seen the last posts. Mum has come with us on hols (usually a week in a UK caravan park) since my dad died 7 years ago. It used to be Ok because when the kids were little & DH didn't want to go out (he'd rather sit in the caravan & watch TV) he'd babysit & mum would come out with me. Just lately though she seems to be on some sort of power struggle to be in charge all the time, so I think we're going to have to call it a day. She wanted to go back to Orlando (she went with dad just before he died) but all of her friends are very old in their ways & no-one wanted to go with her. It was dh's suggestion- & yes he is a saint when it comes to my mum!

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We have various email addresses too because of the amount of spam sent out. I never give my "proper" one to anyone but friends and relatives. We currently have 6 email addresses that can be spammed freely, and my real one gets none.