Help please! Am on the verge of ringing DP and ending things

[immortalbeloved]

I would really appreciate some input on this, I have been going over things so much in my mind I fear that I might be going down the wrong track.

I'm not really sure where to start, but I think firstly I should say that DP and I have been together for 8 years have 3 children and have always had a fantastic relationship, and I do mean really fantastic, which I think is why I'm finding it so hard now things are going wrong.

DP has never been very good at expressing his feelings....well actually that's not entirely true, he can express his feelings of love/happiness very well but if he was upset about something he would always bottle it up. He also had never found showing affection very easy though he did try and it soon became normal to him, lots of hand holding, kissing hugging etc and sex.

Recently it feels to me that all affection has gone he hasn't touched me or kissed me in months, except for a peck on the cheek when he leaves for work and I'm still half asleep, our sex life is non-existant too

This has been upsetting me more and more so a few day's ago I text him to say that I wasn't happy with how things were, and that perhaps we should stay together but be more like friends/co-parents as we work well like that and we do get on so well don't argue etc

Now I will admit that I did say this partly to get a reaction but a part of me did mean it too as it felt like I was living in limbo... always waiting for him to notice me, touch me and then being disappointed when he didn't. He did reply and say that it wasn't what he wanted and that he loved me, then he said did I think it would work, I said yes I thought we could make it work so we were all happy, and that was it! He hasn't mentioned it since! He has been coming home from work and we've been sorting the kids out sorting dinner, watching the tv then sleeping.

I'm so hurt, I know it was my idea but I never thought it would come to this, and despite my thinking that staying together like this would be better for everyone especially the children I just don't think I can do it, the atmosphere is horrible

So I'm thinking of ringing him now while the children aren't around and ending things, I just don't think there's any hope there now, but I would really like to hear peoples opinions on this

Thanks for reading, I'm sorry it was so long, I don't have anyone else to talk to

If you find it hard to talk then you could always write it all down, make sure you are sure of what you are feeling. I always find writing things down helps

You also need to try and put your feelings into context a bit, identify if you are feeling like this because you are traumatised by your recent birth experience. don't forget if you are traumatised teh chances are he is too.

I had a very traumatic birth with dd and I don't think we addressed it very well at the time. We have done now though and things are a lot better. We did need to learn how to talk about all those feelings that we had buried for so long because they were just too hard to talk about. Obviously it is hard but it is so worth it. You need to be a team, to work together. It is you and him not you vs him.

Try not to be confrontational
Try not to say IT IS YOU, YOU NEVER HUG ME, OR TOUCH ME OR KISS ME

Instead try

I am feeling rather wobbly after our recetn experiences and I could really do with a cuddle/kiss.

He's on the phone now to dd, I'm going to bite the bullet and apologise, wish me luck.....

good luck.
Don't just apologise - tell him you LOVE HIM!!!

How did it go?

God that was so hard

I started off by saying that I was sorry "for what I said the other day" (I know I know how crap is that ) so he asked me why I was sorry as that was obviously how I felt his tone was so cold I really thought I'd blown it for good

He said that living like that was not going to work and that it would be the beginning of the end but that if it was that or lose me then he'd go along with it to be with me. He said he wanted to go back to how we were and to be close to me again and he apologised for not showing me he loves me enough (I hadn't said anything about the lack of affection)I said I wanted that too and his whole tone changed, he really thought that I didn't want him anymore and he was too scared of rejection to try and sort things out sooner.

We've agreed to try and talk tonight but he said only on the condition that it's to try and get things back on track not to discuss breaking up

Then he said he'd better stop crying before he goes back to work

So in conclusion I think we might be able to sort things out, Mumsnet is the font of all wisdom, and I'm a total bitch!

you are NOT a bitch.

But I'm glad you are talking.

And remember to give as much affection as you hope to receive. Men like to feel it too.

This might be the start of a GREAT marriage for you. xx

Hecate you have been so right with everything you have said but I think you're wrong about me not being a bitch

In all seriousness though, thank you all of you for taking the time to reply to me, I can honestly say that without reading all of this I would probably have gone in a totally different direction

It's actually quite scary to think that I could have told him I wanted to seperate from him in order to, what? get some kind of reaction? He would have assumed it was what I really wanted and that could have been an end to our family (we are both incredibly stubborn), I can't believe how stupid I've been

Thank you for making me realise it though before it was too late (assuming we really can sort this out)

Don't be so hard on yourself. Nothing you have posted here makes you sound anything like a bitch as it happens. You sound like a loving person who just wants to be loved and tofeel loved and is reaching out for that. Nothing wrong with that at all. Give yourself a break, woman. Talk and talk lots. And when he comes in from work, throw your arms around him and tell him you love him. I bet he really needs that today.

oh well done

this might help a bit if you both read it!

I agree it is scary that you could have just thrown it all away. It sounds to me like your dh loves you a lot and that he is the type to want to make it work with you so I don't think you would have thrown it all away necessarily.

When you are in the thick of something it can be very hard to work out what to do. Often something like you did do is just a cry for help or understanding. I'm glad you came on here!

good

show your feelings

none of the game playing see if he is psychic stuff

he isnt

and he is just as insecure as you

i think you will come out of this stronger

Ahhhh so glad you talked, sounds like he really loves you IB, hope you work things out, me loves a happy ending

How did it go IB?

Thanks for asking CountessDracula

Well I think things are going to be ok

We talked again on the phone before he came home and I know now that he will do whatever it takes to fix things, he even suggested that if we needed a bit of help going to relate, which I think we might do if it turns out we can't sort things out ourselves.

To be honest we didn't talk that much last night he was just so happy that I still loved him, but we have talked again today and he said that he has been missing the closeness too and that he has been leaving me alone as he felt like I'd been through enough with the birth and emergency c-section and then breastfeeding the baby, he said he felt selfish to be wanting attention from me when I should be resting.

I really think that with a bit of work we could have something really good but I am worried about the way we got into this state when it could have been avoided with a bit of honest communication.

So any ideas on how we can communicate better? We are talking honestly at the moment but I'm worried we'll slip back into our old ways of not wanting to 'rock the boat' or upset the other person, should we make a specific time to talk each week or is that a bit formal?

And once again thank you all of you for all your help, I can't even tell you how glad I am I posted for help

What this reminds me of is many many years ago when I was suffering from PND I went off my DH - in many ways but mainly sexually - and after a few months of feeling that was always pawing at me I told him to back off, stop nagging me for sex! . And guess what? He did. And that was crap too. It upset me for ages because it didn't occur to me that he would take me quite so literally. But many men are very literal and they think what you say is what you mean, when what you really want to do is start the discussion. IME men say 'I love you' as a cure-all to any relationship problem. Women sometimes use it as the start of a discussion - ie 'I love you but...'

Talk to him.

Oh you did

Well done and good luck!

my couples counsellor suggested a specific time each week to talk like this - maybe Friday evening - wind down, refelct on week, plan weekend, focus on each other a bit

good luck - it all sounds good