What's the toughest challenge your relationship has recovered from?

[piecesofeight]

I'm curious. I have the chance to rebuild my relationship with DS's dad after an almighty and fairly public f*ck-up on his part and with emerging new difficulties to deal with, again on his part - and I'm wondering if it's really possible or worth it; if relationships aren't meant to be this challenging. (DS is four.)

I don't have much of a relationship yardstick. I realise everyone has different boundaries and tolerances, but am wondering what kind of stresses and strains others' relationships have been able to weather at their lowest ebb. Inspire and encourage me - or else help me realise what might be just too much of a strain to bounce back from.

Thanks.

jenk - so sorry to hear what you're going through. Feeling for you.

HappyWoman - sad to hear that you too are dealing with the fall-out of infidelity. Thanks for some sound advice. Personally, if we're to make a go of it, I'd like the bipolar information made public - it would give all that's happened context and make otherwise impossible-to-understand reconciliation make sense. And it would identify those friends worth keeping. But it seems somehow controlling of me to want him to be open about pretty personal stuff.

He's reluctant to treat it traditionally, with meds, as he hasn't met anyone in a similar situation who has convinced him the meds are worth taking. He's afraid of side effects, like gaining weight, losing his sex drive, and most of all, becoming emotionally flat. I understand all this - and yet I'd need to know something was in place to prevent a repeat of previous episodes and the devastation they wrought.

We're going to start seeing a counsellor to discuss all this.

It sounds as though you are making progress with your DH. I do hope things continue this way.

mou, Sycamoretree - I feel for you all.

Thank you for sharing. Wishing you all well.

DH and i had a very bad 8 months or so. He walked out on me and our 4 month old baby. We were living in germany at the time and i had to pack up and move back to the uk and he went away with the army. It was terrible, very public and humilating. He then went all werid and tried to behave like he was 18 again or something. I personally believe he had a bit of post traumatic stress from iraq. Everyone was shocked by his behaviour, and he still finds it hard to understand why he did what he did. It didnt take long for him to come back and want to sort it all out. However in the meantime i had sorted out a new life for me and my daughter. After how i had been treated i would not even consider it. It took him 2 months to persuade me to even consider the idea. Its been a very slow process and now just over 2 years down the line we are about to move back in together. ( on friday!!! am so excited). We will be moving to a new area and it will be a fresh start. Friends and family have thought.. and probably still do to an extent that i am stupid. I know i am not or i would not be doing this. Its taken a lot of hard work on both parts, a lot of talking and hearing things that you dont want to hear, and a lot of tears. I know that there is pretty much nothing we cant get past now. However dh is also aware that if he ever messed up again he would not get another chance. I think if both people want to make it work, then you can, but if only one person wants to then its just not going to work. Hope this helps a bit

my dp doesnt get on with my family - it hurts because I am very close to them.

Seems minor compared to what so many other have faced though...

SPD in pregnancy, baby/toddler who defied sleep, 2 years of ill health due to undiagnosed underactive thyroid, 3 m/c, dh shagging a work colleague and looking at porn for 1-2 years. Erm, think that's about it really. Funny how you can be with someone for 18 years, then it all goes belly up in about 2!

Serious PND, a miscarriage, three major house moves, a big break up when our firstborn was only 5 months old, months of couples counselling....

We're happy as larry these days, though, and expecting our 2nd child.

Our relationship is definitely stronger and better and drama free because of all the dramas we've gone through.

If you both want it dearly, it is worth fighting for.

shop, Puku, lady and MrsMattie - so to read of the tough times you have gone through. Encouraged by your posts, shop and MrsMattie. MrsMattie - what an amazing turnaround. Happy for you - expecting baby # 2 as well.

Good luck to you all, and thanks for your honesty and encouragement.

peicesofeight - he could at least try the medication. Sodium Valproate is well received on the whole (a mood stabiliser), though obviously everyone responds differently to medication. You have really been through the mill and am so sorry to hear what happened. No wonder you were furious - totally understandable. Knowing the diagnosis doesn't take away the pain and in some ways can be more frustrating because he has less control over his behaviour.

The hardest thing that we dealt with was my stupidity.

Pre marriage and DD, I was charmed by a married man. Nothing physical happened but emotionally I was there. We went out a couple of times for drinks and he constantly (and I mean constantly) texted/called etc.

My now DH found these messages on my phone and was obviously furious. upset etc

I was devasted and so scared at how close I came to losing him.

Married man (idiot - he has now moved on to some other poor woman) rang me and asked me to leave my now DH - no way!! But I should have told him where to go months before.

I selfishly enjoyed the "harmless" flattery. Not so harmless once it hurts other people. I can't believe the person it made me (for a few months)

Just read these and realised that I am the only one whose fault it was .... sorry all.

I am a different person now

I agree also that parenthood is very challening. I think that if you can survive that first year then you are on to something special.

Most parent people I know (first time mums to 8 month olds) "almost" get divorced on a weekly basis.

LaMer - this man was also older - 12 years older than me (7 years younger than my dad!)

Now that I have a child, I can not believe that he acts in such a way (he has 2) Anyway, am not in contact with him at all anymore.

PukuHula I am in the same situation and can really sympathise. My parents and I only really have each other but DP doesn't get on with them. It's just a permanent emotional drain having to deal with it, and it has nearly caused the end of our relationship on several occasions.

pieces of eight - you sound like a really strong person and I wish you the best of luck however things turn out

Not sure we are going to get through it but my one and only ever partner of almost 16 years from aged 16 yrs old to now did the following to me-

He proposed to me after 13 years together 3 mths later he started hving affair with a much older woman in work.I spent 12 mths saving and used my life savings to pay for our dream wedding which was abroad.All of my family also saved up so they could come wth us.We talked about starting a family and agreed to try 1 mth later I was pregnant. All this time he was having unprotected sex wth a woman in work!

2 weeks b4 our wedding he comes home from work all moody I asked him what was wrong and he tells me that he is hving a affair and does not want to get married. I had to phone u my family and tell them one by one that the dream holiday/wedding was off.I lost almost £15,000 only had just over £2,000 back from my insurance.And I made my family go cos they wd have lost all of their money.So after being honest and never cheating on me for 13 yearshe decided to do all of this after we got engaged and I was pregnant!