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Relationships

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How do I do this nicely?

71 replies

Pawslikepaddington · 14/09/2008 23:01

Have been with a guy for 2 years-I wouldn't exactly say dp as it is a very non-committal relationship-and I am just sick to the back teeth of it, There is nothing fundamentally wrong with it, but it is driving me mad.
He lives in Yorkshire, I live in Cambridge (someone is SO going to suss me out now!), and I drive up to see him every 2nd weekend. I used to live 5 mins away from him, but then got a place at uni and couldn't refuse, as it was all I had ever wanted, so moved down here 18 months ago. We used to have a lot of fun, so it didn't matter that he was quiet and non-committal about anything, but now he just comes across as sulky and sullen, and like he could be doing anything other than spending time with me. He tolerates dd, but tries to make sure he doesn't see her, so it was never going anywhere anyway.

All was fine when I lived nearby-we used to go out every fri night for a meal or a film, go to a bar, have a lovely morning the next day, and then I would collect dd from her dad's and go home-I thought he would warm to dd over time, and although he is always kind to her, it is obvious to me he doesn't want to be with her. After I moved I would take dd to her dad's every 2nd weekend and then stay for the weekend and we would go out, have fun and snuggle on the sofa-all the lovely things couples do, but now on Fri he is too tired to do anything, we just sit around all sat because he never wants to do anything, or I go and do something on my own, and then on Sun I pick dd up and come home.

We broke up for 6 months last October (things were a bit better back then, but he still never spoke to me or did anything without serious prompting!), but after I pestered him continuously we eventually got back together, as I thought he was "the one". I am exhausted with studying, looking after dd, and just can't take the constant travelling to see him, for him to just sit there all weekend and say and do nothing-we don't even go to the cinema anymore-I clean, he goes to the tip or to see his dad (and leaves me to sit like a lemon), we eat dinner (that invariably I have cooked) and then I drive home again.

His mother is a busy body-is constantly telling me how lonely he is, how I am making him miserable etc. He just sulks and says nothing. I spoke to him on the phone last night and he said that I should come up next weekend. I said we were doing something down here and he just sulked and hung up. I have been to see him over 50 times, he has come here twice, because he doesn't like dd being around all the time. How do I break up with him without his mother, sister et all going insane on me just before the start of term? Under normal circumstances I would just do it, but because I begged him to come back I am too scared of the backlash! He makes no effort whatsoever any more, and I'm not putting 100% in and getting nothing in return-I'm very happy as an sp, but I used to really enjoy being around him, despite knowing it would never go anywhere because of the dd situation.

OP posts:
avenanap · 14/09/2008 23:47

You could turn yourself into barbie, complete with silly high pitched laugh. Hug and air kiss all his friends and keep talking to him about what you should call your children. Leave tampons in his bathroom, stockings, razors etc, walk around with a constant face mask and jolen for your mustache. Make up a silly pet name for him (teenyweeny ). Wait for him after he finishes work (remember to call him teeny weeny). Throw all his beer down the drain, this should piss him off. Leave wedding magazines in his flat with bookmarks on the page you like.

I'm single by the way, can you tell?

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 23:47

Cut the crap and end it.

It's not working, you don't want to be with him anymore, it's going nowhere and the real dealbreaker: he doesn't like your child.

Time for both of you to move on.

Who cares how his mother and sister react?

Backlash? They're miles away.

Just block them off your phone or change your contact details.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 23:48

sorry, didn't read what hte mms has already put so well.

dear john letter.

end of.

use the distance to your advantage.

StayFrosty · 14/09/2008 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StayFrosty · 14/09/2008 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

avenanap · 14/09/2008 23:49

Just write a letter and say that it's not working. You can tell that he's not happy and you think it's both time you moved on so that you can both find someone who makes you happy. Tell him you will always remember him and the happiness that he has given to you and that you hope he finds what he's looking for.

This should do.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 23:50

i agree: teddies and mummy's boy = lame.

DTMFA.

in case you don't already know, that stands for Dump the Mutha Fucka Already.

Pawslikepaddington · 14/09/2008 23:51

Haha to the Jolen moustache! He doesn't drink beer, he drinks wine . And has a drawer full of chocolate (which I love!). And thousands of weight watchers cook books. Hang on a minute-why am I feeling bad-he's either gay, or is seeing someone else as well!!

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expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 23:52

'And thousands of weight watchers cook books.'

One day, after you break up, you're going to look back on this relationship and laugh into your wine 'What was I thinking?'

avenanap · 14/09/2008 23:53

Nick the chocolate (and the wine) Weight watchers cook books though . Hmmmm. That's odd.

trumpetgirl · 14/09/2008 23:54

I think you should text him saying simply
you're dumped
Mwahahahahaha!

Pawslikepaddington · 14/09/2008 23:54

I love you all-thank you. I hate not having found my "one" already-everyone else always seems to have done it when they were 18, and I keep thinking I'm missing something! However I agree whole-heartedly on the must love dd more than me front-she is a v good girl (even if I do say so myself) so there is very little not to love about her bar the long trips to the park!

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expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 23:56

there's no such thing as 'the one'.

the moment you accept that, you'll be able to find a partner who works for you and mightly enjoy yourself in the process.

avenanap · 14/09/2008 23:57

You're at cambridge! It's full of hot, intelligent blokes. Don't rush though. Try not to worry. I've not found my 'one' yet either. I did meet some hotties at an open day yesterday though. They turn up when you least expect it.

Pawslikepaddington · 14/09/2008 23:57

Oooooh I don't think I could be THAT evil! And also a stock of weight watchers cookies. And always 4 aero mousses in the fridge. And ecover cleaning products-this is whiffing strongly of woman. Although my snooping round the house and facebook stalking have uncovered nothing! .

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trumpetgirl · 14/09/2008 23:57

I've never found anyone vaguely near "the one" and I'm 24, so you're in good company!

StayFrosty · 14/09/2008 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solidgoldbrass · 14/09/2008 23:57

Why on earth do you think this man is The One? You don't even like him very much. The idea of 'The One' is toxic stupid bullshit anyway (there are plenty of potential people who are attractive and available if you want to pairbond: most people who want to pairbond settle for the nearest one and do just fine). Tell him that you don't want to go out with him... FFS you're not ';going out' are you? Yo're sitting in front of the telly ignoring each other like what proper grown up couples are supposed to do - ewww, why bother? Tell him you don't want to be his partner any more. If his family ring up say 'This is none of your business' and put the phone down.

trumpetgirl · 14/09/2008 23:59

Hahaha! I love Facebook stalking, it's one of my favourite hobbies (apart from MN obviously!)
I thought I was the only one who did it though!

expatinscotland · 15/09/2008 00:00

applauds, SGB.

i never bought that 'the one' stuff for a mo' and i'm so glad i didn't, because life is hard enough as it is.

what if the one doesn't think you're the one? what if they die, move away, are gay, etc.? do you go the carrington route?

Pawslikepaddington · 15/09/2008 00:02

All I really want is someone who talks to me without sulking, lets me get on with my life without sulking, doesn't resent dd, and makes me laugh a lot (as I am a misery so need to giggle!). He does non of these so yes, I will get writing tonight. However, when I do find the man possessing the above qualities I am sure there will be extras added on! There are SO many hot, intellectually stimulating guys here, but sadly you either see them cycle past and never see them again, or they get snapped up by miss size 4 lovely accent because they already shoot together in the hols. However, new stock come in in a few weeks (window shopping only-I promise!)

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Pawslikepaddington · 15/09/2008 00:05

Oooh and someone that will still kiss you really hard after you have got to the comfortable stage (less likely, I know!). Even if there isn't a "one" out there, there is still someone that you fit comfortably with without constantly walking on eggshells, as all my relationships have been, surely. Otherwise, what is the point in moving in together/marriage/long term relationships. That's all I really mean by "the one".

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Joolyjoolyjoo · 15/09/2008 00:05

Best maybe to phone his mum, tell her, tell her to tell him, hang up. That way you don't have to worry about how she will eventually take the news, and he will no doubt take it better coming for her, as she will make sure you become the source of all evil in his head. Good luck- you will no doubt feel great once you have done it, one way or another.

Pawslikepaddington · 15/09/2008 00:07

P.S. yes, facebook stalking is good, but makes me careful of how often I go on it/who I make friends with, which also limits my stalking potential!

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Pawslikepaddington · 15/09/2008 00:09

Oh god I'd be too scared to ring her-she would drive down here and nail me to the wall or something! Her daughter had a boyfriend she really liked, so when the daughter split up with him, she would invite him round continuously to get them back together. When that didn't work she used to somehow engineer stuff to put her daughter in situations that would look to her new b/f like she was secretly seeing the ex!

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