Mothers....sorry just need a moan about mine

[breeze]

I need to get it off my chest and my mother has just gone off in a huff so I cant talk about it with her.

My mother is brilliant with DS and has him about 1 night a week.

The only problem is she has a habit of upsetting people of a regular basis, mainly me i add. I have/am suffering from PND and have now for 3 years. I am a bit low at the moment (due on), and in those 3 years my mum has never once put her arms round me or said anything enchoraging (sp), her idea of support has been pull yourself together.

Everytime she seems me its dig after dig after dig, today she was due to pick up ds at 4, she came at 2.55 pm and i wasn't ready, if fact having a bad day, have a stinking headache and really couldn't deal with her constant digs, saying things to ds like, oh mummy could get you dressed properly because he had an odd sock on that sort of thing. In the end I asked her if it was her aim to wind me up everytime she sees me. Her reaction is the same as when i try to tell her about how she makes me feel she turns on the waterworks.

Before I had my DS and lived on my own I saw her about once a fortnight for about 20 minutes, now because of ds its 3/4 times. I remember having glandula fever and being really ill for about a month and she didn't even come to see me, even though she has a car and lives 1 mile away.

Anyway just wanted to get it off my chest, at least DH will be home in a couple of hours.

Sorry if i have gone on a bit. Thanks for listening.

Ahhh Breeze - your mum and mine could be one and the same !!! Fortunately though I live 150 miles away from mine and she only gets to torment me by phone !!

Mine will talk for 20 minutes about other people's kids (who I don't even know) before asking about my dd - who is her only grandchild ! She will then proceed to tell me what to do ad infinitum as though I was an imbecile - eg. It's going to be cold tomorrow - you make sure you put a coat on her !!! Derrrr !

Ho Hum - at least yours helps you - mine would rather help her neighbours !!

breeze, my mum is great in a lot of ways but she does the 'pull your socks up' thing too and it's really infuriating isn't it? As if getting over pnd is just a matter of pulling one's socks up! Anyway, glad it helped to get it off your chest. How would she react if you said politely 'if you can't say anything positive please don't comment?' or would that start a row?! Just a thought anyway.

Breeze - I wonder how old your mum is, my mum is very similar in her 'pull up your socks attitude' but I do think it is part of that generation, she is 70 (your mum is probably a lot younger!), we do not have the sort of relationship at all where she would put her arm round me or tell me she loves me, it's just 'not done'. I also think that familiarity can breed contempt, my DM is 300 miles away, we speak twice a week for really long chats & really look forward to seeing each other, but of course it means a stay of 5-6 days because of the distance & by the end things can get a bit tense!

I think you are very lucky to have a mum locally who will take care of your child, try & focus on that - it's a huge bonus.

Sorry, rambling a bit, not sure if this helps much.

My mother can be a total witch, also in her 70's. She has driven us to the brink of divorce more than once and worries me constantly with her health problems and general old-bagness.

The only thing I can say about her is that apart from us, she is the only person I know loves DS as much as us and will lay her life down for him. She is also a corrupt influence and has to be reigned in with spoiling him rotten, but in a dodgy world, I know she'd always come through for him.

The above makes her marginally more tolerable; until the next row and sulk (she sulks, not us).

I wish I could help eemie I have to say my mother isn't as bad as all your mothers by any stretch of the imagination and she's really good with ds but I do get frustrated by her negativity. I couldn't stay with her for more than a few days she would drive me up the wall!

Sometimes I think mothers and husbands can be like small children - you need to praise them lots for good behaviour and ignore the bad

Not that that helps when you're still in fume mode though, I know

eemie, I've had some strange times with my mum, so I know how you feel. I can't really go into detail on here, but the issues are very different to yours. She was sympathetic after my miscarriages, and wouldn't ever feign illness, but would never help me in any hands on way and can't be relied on in a crisis. I feel for you, I really do. I think I've got used to thinking of her as a distant person and come to terms with most of it. We see each other a couple of times a year and don't get on too badly as distant friends, but I don't feel I have a mother as such. It sounds as if your relationship is very destructive. Is there any way you can distance yourself? The illness feigning is very worrying, IMO.

My Mum drives me mad !!!
The same kind of things as everyone else really, the constant critisism, annoying advise that isn't needed,etc. However, after helping very little with my DS's since they were born 4yo, she has started to become quite a help. I think she finds them easier to cope with.
Her and my Dad, very much wanted to come on holiday with us this year, which we have eventually given in to. I'm just trying to keep in a positive frame of mind about it,and keep thinking about how much my DS's will enjoy it, when I know she'll drive me mad.
I think the only solution is to keep her tipsy all the time !!!

Very brave of you Jac - I hope it goes well for you.

Mine also drives me mad - although she loves my dd and would do anything for her she spends her time complaining to me about my dad and how awful he is and about how bad her life is. This has gone on for years so I now just ignore it - say nothing - if I ever offered an opinion she would accuse me of not caring/siding with my dad. She is a complete perfectionist and is always criticising everyone and to be honest is one of lifes victims. Sounds harsh but I have my own life and my own worries - doesn't stop me feeling guilty though. I think we all share that guilt thing!

EEMIE,

Your mum sounds very much like my nan (who's 76), My nan lives about a mile away and I only go to see her twice a year. When I go to see her, she moans about her health, she had bowel cancer about 8 years ago and every time I go to see her, I get the "I think its back", The worse thing she ever done was when my grandad was dying of cancer (her ex-husband), when we were waiting for that dreaded phone call, she decided to pick this moment to call her daughter (my aunt) and told her IT was back and couldn't go on anymore. Turns out it was just constipation. But she moans about her health, and everytime she gets up its OOH OOH, when I see her days later down the town she is moving about like Linford Christie, until I have spoken to her, then she limps off or something.

She fell out with my mum years ago, and I hate it when my nan slags my mum off, I have told her not to do it, but she continues.

Anyway recap from my original posting, next time I saw my mum she acted like nothing had happened, I just can't talk to her, My DH tells me to ignore the comments, but when one was aimed at him last week he changed his tune.

I am sorry to say that if it wasn't for DS, I would be happy to see my mum once a month, Am I awful ?.

well all I can say is you are all lucky !! my mother died when I was 13 and my hubby's mother and father are both dead. So my daughter has only one grandparent. Stop complaining and thank your lucky stars, you are making me feel quite upset actually.

I can see why you might feel upset Donnie, and I am sorry that you lost your mum at such a young age - but I can assure you that our feelings are real too and quite justified.

My mother makes me cry and be depressed for at least a week after each time I see her, sometimes 10 mins on the 'phone has the same effect - so please please don't tell me that I should be glad she's alive !! I don't wish her dead - but I do wish her a lot nicer and kinder.

Donnie, I do sympathise.

I lost my father 6 years ago and I miss him and regret that he never got to see his grandson. However, I also acknowledge that I didn't have that good a relationship with my father while he was alive and when I'm realistic I appreciate that both of us shared responsibility for our poor relationship.

I think what I'm saying is that all relationships are hard work, particularly within families (what's the old saying, you can't choose your family?) and it does worry me to wonder if this is how my child is going to view me in twenty years time! None of us are perfect beings, and there'll always be friction at some point in even the greatest relationship. That doesn't underrate the pain people feel when those relationships are rocky for whatever reason.

My mum can drive me up the wall (and frequently does!) but I still love her and would miss her horribly if she died. That doesn't stop me wanting to find a deserted place and scream very loudly if I spend more than a few days in her company though!

Donnie, I too am sorry that you lost your mum at at young age, but am with scatterbrain here, my mum makes me feel down and I came on here to chat to my "friends". I thought this was the whole idea, I mean anyone can pick any subject ie someone saying there baby won't sleep and there exhausted and someone can say that they are desperate for a baby and wish they had one post about.

Personally I do not view posting that I think might upset me.

I'm sorry you are upset by this, donnie. I also lost a parent when I was small, but I still empathise when others complain about their destructive relationships with living dads. When parents are alive but either no help at all or a source of pain in your life, it can be as bad as if they were dead. My DH has had no love and constant criticism from his dad all his life. It has had a tremendously detrimental effect on him and I would say that he has suffered more than I did through losing mine. Having said all this, I can understand why you are upset and I'm sorry. As scatterbrain has said, I don't wish my mother dead, but I often wonder how different I will feel when she is. She doesn't want to be a mother, just a distant friend. So I have already lost her, haven't I?

Ditto Breeze! I would deliberately avoid a thread that I thought would upset me!

Quite, Breeze.
People on here have lost children, and I sometimes feel guilty about my trials and tribulations over this mothering lark, but this is what this forum is for, letting it all out. Having said that, I think my sentiments on the TV for preschoolers weren't much better, but they were intended to get everything in perspective, not shut everyone up. I'm sorry if they had the opposite effect and I'm choking on my humble pie now.

I agree, Mumsnet is such a good forum for exchanging views, information & just the odd moan, I would hate us all to have to be so politically correct that we couldn't speak openly, there are lots of subjects which could be seen as upsetting (are anorexics going to be upset at the 'shrinking fatties' thread?) - but that shouldn't mean we can't discuss these issues.

I also often feel mean when I say 'I'd never, ever want another baby' when there are people on this site who are desperate for another one, but that doesn't mean mine is a less valid opinion & that I shouldn't be able to discuss it.

Just read this thread, what I like about this site, is that you can talk about anything, a while back I thought I was pregnant and having bad PND was the worst thing that could happen to me, luckily it was a false alarm, but the people on here was so nice and friendly. Its mad me feel much better.

I think that if people do not agree or don't like the thread, either do not read it and certainly do not post on it, because who ever started the thread obviously felt upset enough to post and express their feeling, I would hate to think that I could post something and not get supportive replied.

The trouble is, if we all try and think of everyone else before we post nothing would get said.
Like others have said Donnie, it's sad about your family, but maybe you should avoid threads likely to upset you? Some subjects are very painful to read through but people need a place to express their feelings and mumsnet fits the bill.
I haven't seen my father since 1976, my mum to whom I was very close, died in 1999, and of dh's parents, one acts like our children don't exist, and the other sees them once a year, so my kids don't have any grandparents to speak of. It's ds2's 2nd birthday today and he didn't get one card in the post today. That upsets me but I can't expect others to not talk about the relationships between their children and relatives. We have to let off steam somewhere.

I'd like to echo eemie, donnie, as my last post seems a bit harsh. We don't intend to diminish your loss in any way. Losing a mother is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone, truly. It just doesn't make all the remaining parents in the world saints. Some of them are, unfortunately, right barstewards. No offence.