So, wtf do I say to my sister who has announced that she is marrying the bloke who beat her up?

[Bumperlicious]

Because quite frankly "congratualations" is sticking in my throat.

My sis is not even 21, she has been with this bloke for a couple of years, and during that time he has gone AWOL from the army and beat her up, and, as the police take matters into their own hands now, been prosecuted and fined for beating her up.

So now she says she is marrying him. She is a not very mature 20 year old. Part of me is worried and thinks she is making a mistake but part of me is just pissed of as I think she is making a mockery of marriage. Does she really think she is going to be with this bloke till death do us part?

She left school before doing her GCSEs, did practically nothing, started a few courses then quit them. Managed to get the council to give her a flat, has just quit her latest job without another to go to (nice to be able to do that when you have the security of a council flat, wish we could just do that when DH's job have been treating him like crap ). I lent her money from my meagre wedding savings when she was about to get evicted from her last flat on the proviso that she pay me back in installments. When my wedding came around and I asked her for the money back instead of "no sorry I don't have it" I got a whole load of shit back about what a great life I have with my £20 an hour job (she is delusional, but if I do get paid more than her it's because I worked my arse of to put myself through uni and got a job) and don't I know how tough her life is? And I can't ever mention it now because she gets all shitty and upset and I get a bollocking from my mum (apparently it was my fault for lending it to her in the first place). Well, I guess all that seems irrelevant but it is just an indication of how irresponsible and immature she is. This just seems like a complete farce! And now my mum is saying "we can all muck in" to help with the wedding, but I really don't want to be a part of this at all.

Sorry, that was a massive vent. I'm just feeling really angry with my sister over a lot of things and this is just the straw that breaks the camel's back.

And now she's saying "well, now I've got a flat with a garden I can have your DD over to stay". Yeah, like I'm going to send my baby over to your smoke filled flat to stay with the bloke who beat you up

Oh, and if perhaps he is getting help with his PTSD then your family might be able to deal with it. Getting help is one thing. If however it has become an excuse, then that is, well, inexcusable.

It sounds like you care less about the fact he's violent and more about what she's done to 'disappoint' you.

Agree with Mumi, you feel angry of course, but when dealing with her you have to boil it down to the bare facts, stated calmly. You could also say "I will support you if you ever decide to leave your abusive partner" which is something someone in her situation needs, though I can see you don't want to bail her out.

Poor you Bumper - I know exactly how you feel because my DN is with a really horrible rough boyf who has beat her, stabbed her and would you believe it this week tried to shoot her.

Each time she reports it to the police but then changes her mind because she is either back with him or his family have threatened her. This has been going on for at least two years - the police know what he has done to her as well as joyriding, breaking and entering and gbh - yet he is still free to pester her.

She is only 18 and has a son by him so I know it must be hard but he seems to have a hold over her and she just cannot see what he is like.

She has even told us that if he goes to prison (Has a court case looming) then she will marry him as he will worry she will go off with someone else while he is inside!!

She has know been evicted from her flat as she has spent the back payment for her rent £2,500 on things for him (Including drugs)

I think we just have to hope that very soon they will grow up and realise what they are like - the more we say to her the more she loves him IYKWIM.

If I were you I would just try to stand back and not get too involved - thats what I have been trying to do lately.

To be honest TDWP I'm just beginning to stop caring full stop, and that is a very sad state of affairs.

I think "Well done you" for saying to your sister that you are concerned about her safety with this man boy when everyone else sounds like they are too scared to say it! You have been strong and done what is right for your sister even though it is frightening to say what you think and risk the family's disapproval.

Please know that you have said the right thing despite what anyone else thinks! How would you feel if you didn't say anything and helped her marry him and then he seriously hurt her or worse?

You care about your sister so you don't want her to marry a dangerous man. You love your DD and don't want her to visit a smoke filled house. You can't afford to help her financially especially when it is unlikely you will ever get the money back. Perfectly reasonable! I agree with what others have said about don't condone this marriage by helping with it. How can you feel good about helping your sister to marry someone who could be a danger to her!

Tell her you love her and care about her and will be there for her whatever she decides to do but you can not live with yourself if you help her to marry someone who you believe could be a danger to her so tell her please don't ask you to do this as it is not fair on you.