issues with sex

[annadoll]

I have had issues with sex in the past due to some bad experiences but I thought I was past all that. Since having my baby last year however I have been finding sex difficult. To start with it was all the obvious things like being exhausted and coping with being a new mum etc so I didn't worry too much but things with the baby have settled down now and I still feel uncomfortable with sex.

I am happy with being intimate in other ways and DH are very affectionate with each other - I just don't feel relaxed about sex. I don't feel very comfortable with my body which is part of it and I also feel like I have taken a bit of a step backwards in terms of earlier issues that I had.

I haven't spoken to DH about it - I don't think it would go down very well. It hasn't really come up as he is so busy with work we haven't had a huge amount of time for it anyway but I feel worried about it myself. I am not sure what sort of steps I can be taking to resolve these issues.

its perfectly ok to feel the way you do, honestly, so cut yourself some slack first of all. bottling it up, however, is going to get you nowhere, trust me.

can you go to your gp and ask to be referred for cbt? i am doing cbt atm for similar reasons, among other things, and its really helping.

another thing to try, ive been looking into, is specific counselling from rape crisis counsellors. even for long ago incidents it can be really useful i think.

Even without earlier issues it's still early days to be back to "normal". But i think your dh would be upset that you're feeling like this and not talking to him about it - it might be something you can work through together?

I am too scared to tell him - he wouldn't get it. He would just get cross and I don't want to cause any tension or any extra stress to myself. It's not that he isn't supportive he's from a different culture and just doesn't get 'problems' in that way.

I have had therapy in the past - quite a lot of it - which is partly why I feel so distressed at this still being a bloody issue.

Do you think that you may need more time? From a personal point of view i found that having ds1 knocked me for six in many ways. It's only now that ds2 is 3 that i'm feeling 100% human again. You shouldn't beat yourself up. I'm no expert on these things so can't offer any advice but good luck with whatever steps you decide to take.

Could be - DS is ten months now. His sleep is a lot better and things are much more settled. I have been struggling with anxiety though (have had this in the past too) and some food issues (another old issue). Generally I am feeling a bit of a hopeless mess right now!

I have been there! And it does get better and easier. Do you have something in your life that you really enjoy doing that you can make more time for? For me it's pizza night with a few girlfriends - once a month and we have such a laugh it gives me a real boost. Having said that it's only recently i've felt i've enough time to do anything for myself. Don't put yourself under pressure to get back to normal - it's ok to be a mess sometimes! Just want you to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and lots of people have been in the same place as you (not with exactly the same problems but everyone's got something they worry about). Take care of yourself and give yourself more time.

Thank you for being so reassuring. It is good to hear that it is still early days in a way and that I don't need to bounce back to being my normal (if I ever was) self.