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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Loss of libido

26 replies

ghengis · 14/02/2003 15:02

My husband and I have a great relationship apart from one thorny subject. I became clincially depressed last year and I lost my libido along with my marbles! I am now on the right course of ad and have had some (unfruitful) counselling so, in many ways, things are back on an even keel again. However, dh is becoming very frustrated about what he sees as my lack of desire for him. I try to explain and he tries to understand but things have not got better. It's not that I don't fancy him but rather that I cannot feel sexual desire under any circumstances. Anybody got any advice that might help?

OP posts:
aloha · 14/02/2003 15:14

Don't many ADs completely cut out your libido? i know a lot of the new Prozac types do. Can you talk to your GP about this? I heard that Lustral was better for this but may be wrong.

Alibubbles · 14/02/2003 16:09

Seroxat cut mine, but I worked hard at it!

Original poster
ghengis · 14/02/2003 16:27

Yes, I take Cipramil and it can affect it but, like Allibubbles, I am trying hard and I don't want this to beat us!

OP posts:
Chinchilla · 14/02/2003 18:09

Depression affects libido too, so you can't win can you?! Mine has gone down too (pardon the pun!), so it now matches dh's. At least I am not getting upset about the lack of sex now ;(

Anyway, there are other things you can do than penetrative sex, which you won't need much libido for IYKWIM. Give him a massage and the rest, and he'll probably ber happy. Sorry to be so blunt, but you did ask!

jasper · 14/02/2003 22:47

I'm not depressed but my libido is zero.
In the course of the last week i have discussed this with two friends in the same boat.
We all have very young children......
draw your own conclusions

(probably nature's way of ensuring we don't get pregnant again)

robinw · 15/02/2003 08:03

message withdrawn

webmum · 15/02/2003 11:40

not sure if this is any help, but I found that the combined pill was disastrous for me, have just swichted to the minipill, and things have improved a lot.

I do feel for you though, before finally finding this solution, we had los of arguments, and dh was convinced I didn't love him anymore, it has been a huge problem for us, good luck to everyone!!!!

mears · 15/02/2003 12:21

Sometimes ghengis is it worth just making an effort for their benefit. I have found that even at my most libidoless moments, once you get started it can turn out quite enjoyable. It also breaks that cycle of your dh thinking thta you don't love them anymore. Reduces the pressure IYKWIM.

SimonHoward · 16/02/2003 08:24

ghengis

Having been through this sort of thing from the male side of things I cannot express how vital it is to tell your DH how you are feeling and why.

My DW didn't for a long time and it was causing us serious problems till she finally admitted why the low libido (funny how it perks up when she thinks I may get her pregnant though).

Talk to him, explain to him and if need be do the lay back and think of England routine (not my first choice but needs must at times). Hopefully he will understand.

karenanne · 16/02/2003 11:28

webmum..i too found the combined pill affected my libido...since having my daughter nearly three years ago we've relyed on the rhythm method and my sex drive has gone through the roof....which i must say my dp agrees with!

WideWebWitch · 16/02/2003 11:42

ghengis, I know what mears means about the less you have sex the less you want to have sex, so it can become a vicious circle. I don't have any great advice other than I know I wasn't interested either when I was depressed, but my libido came back when I felt better. Off topic a bit, but fancy calling an anti-depressant Lustral! What were they thinking of with that one? Heard a programme ages ago about how pharmaceutical companies name their drugs and they much more often go for meaningless words with an xy or z in them: seroXat, proZac, ZoviraX etc to make them sound scientific. Anyway, I digress. Hope someone has some more useful comments.

Tinker · 16/02/2003 12:49

I thought that when I read about Lustral! Like that horrid Max Factor heir and date rapist in US called Luster?

I think all the z's and x's reduces the chances of them being offensive words in most langauges.

Jimjams · 16/02/2003 21:56

Think it goes with tiredness. Since having ds2 a year ago my libido has gradually gone. If I can be bothered to do anything I actually quite enjoy it- it's just the effort involved in getting started when I'm only thinking about sleep. It'll get better thought and I have to say dh is pretty good. talking to friends- seems to be a fairly common accompniement (sp?) to motherhood.

Original poster
ghengis · 16/02/2003 22:11

I took on board the idea that loss of libido is exacerbated by not making love and have been 'practising' this weekend. Plan to practice more during the week too - much to DH's relief! Thanks everyone

OP posts:
mears · 16/02/2003 23:00

Glad to hear advice helped - better go and practice what I preach

susanmt · 16/02/2003 23:24

Apparantly drugs have unusual letters in their names as someone did research that shows doctors remember these names better and so, supposedly, are more likely to prescribe them. Strange but true. That's why z, x, v, k, etc are common in drug names.
Lol at Lustral - it's my anti-d, and it hasn't affected mine much!!

Jodiesmum · 17/02/2003 08:28

I'm glad this subject's come up because it's been on my mind lately. I'm 6 months pregnant and don't really want to be touched at all, let alone have sex. THis is hard for dh to take, especially knowing from last time round it's likely to take me quite a while to get back to normal after the baby is born. I feel really inadequate and critical of myself, knowing that lots of women feel sexier than usual in pregnancy whereas for me it's about the biggest turn off I can think of. Anyone got any hot tips or is it just the way I'm made?

grommit · 17/02/2003 10:05

Jodoesmum - if it is any consolation I was exactly the same - was too nervous to have sex at all during pregnancy - felt bad for dd but to me the baby was more important. I also had a complete loss of libido which is still the case 3 yrs on!

clucks · 17/02/2003 23:23

Jodiesmum

I am totally unsexy this pregnancy and wasn't much better last time. I do feel sorry for DH and he resents me for it (being off him that is), as he has little understanding of my exhaustion.

Jodiesmum · 18/02/2003 08:20

THanks Clucks and Grommit, glad it's not just me!

Bugsy · 18/02/2003 12:08

ghengis, try some Agnus Castus tincture. I took some last year and it worked wonders. Apparently, it helps to balance the hormones in either direction (which is why it used to be given to randy monks in olden days!). I really noticed a huge improvement in libido after taking it for about a month.
Good luck

aloha · 18/02/2003 12:44

Ghengis, loss of libido is one of the top side effects of taking ssri anti-depressants. They really do famously cut libido to nothing and can make it impossible for men and women to reach orgasm. If your dh understood this would it help - ie that your lack of desire is nothing to do with him and everything to do with your medication? I think there is nothing wrong with your hormones etc, just that is is what happens to very many people who take ssris.

aloha · 18/02/2003 14:31

I wrote a feature which touched on this about a year ago and just checked my notes again. It's so common, I'm amazed more drs don't flag it up. I suppose they might be shy!

Jodiesmum · 18/02/2003 15:50

Bugsy - do you know if you can take agnus castus when pregnant? or should i save it till afterwards?

Bugsy · 18/02/2003 16:07

Jodiesmum, you would really need to consult a qualified herbalist. I think it is unlikely that Agnus Castus would do your unborn baby any harm but I also think that your hormonal levels would not change (which is probably what is causing your lack of libido) because you are pregnant. Personally, I wouldn't take the risk.
I also felt very unsexy during pregnancy and although happy to oblige in other ways, I couldn't cope with sex after 5 months. Don't be hard on yourself, it is not "your fault". I hope your dh can get his head around this.