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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Never felt so bleak and terrified

35 replies

FleurDeLeeds · 12/09/2008 22:59

wrong topic probably, not sure where it fits.
Have recently left my 7yr marriage, I love him and he loves me but Im not in love with him, never have been and feel we both deserve more. I actualy dont think he loves me romantically either but we are/were the best of friends.
We have a toddler together. I am happy to be independant and was feeling free-er than in years just in terms of not constantly questioning the relationship, definitely feel ive done the right thing.
Im pregnant. very early and its utterly ironic as we really never had sex, he never wanted to but a few weeks ago he did and i went along through guilt - he's very upset about the split.
Im gutted, an absolute mess. I would have loved another baby. And now its happened and i cant do it.
i have got into so much debt moving out and i found the baby days a real struggle - i think it would break me to do it on my own and with another child.
I have told him and he says it would be selfish to have the baby if we arent together, but would be over the moon if we could be a family.
I cant go back, i was living a lie and being with soneone who didn't love me in a romantic/sexual/passionate way has utterly stripped me of my confidence.
I am on my own, he is my only friend and i naively hoped he would still care about me as i do him, but i dont think he does. he has turned very cold towards me and as pathetic as it sounds i cant bear it - apart from Dd, he has been the most important person in my life, really he's the only person. My best friend and ive lost that now. I have nobody. My family are far away with their own problems and I dont fee i can confide in them.
I have suddenly become a single mother, full of debt, with no companion, no support and now this. I would love this baby but i cant, i know that but its kiling me to think of going to the doctor to end the pregnancy.
I dont know how i'll get through this.
I know this is all my own fault, i made these choices and now i have to deal with it.
i thought i was strong but i'm not.
i cant bring myself to tak to anyone, im hiding from everything- i want to lock my doors and windows and hide away and keep my baby. Im going mad.
i dont know what i wany anyone to say, i just eed to get it out.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 14/09/2008 10:06

FdL: Yes I did have another name previously

FleurDeLeeds · 14/09/2008 12:25

mab - i realise it must sound all over the place, but we're real peope, nothing is black and white.
He is a wonderful person and we are/were the best of friends, but of course he's not perfect. The going out thing started out that he didn't like me to go out without him as i was in a new city, all the people i was meeting through work were relative strangers so he woulkd ring constantly or if my phone was off he'd call my family and tell them i was out on my own, not answering the phone and that he was worried etc etc, just loads of little things that made a night out or a visit to a friend seem almost not worth the trouble. it was a kind of drip drip drip effect and that along with my lower confidence made it all too easy to just stay home and stop having a social life, I felt 80% that his behaviour was genuine concern and 20% that he was trying to control me. thos figures are probably reversed now as i can look back and see it all more clearly.
I understand to someone just seeing that description would wonder why i stayed or why i dont think of him as a bad person - but i just dont, he's not. He just did something shitty out of some kind of fear of his own.
The loss of confidence wasn't down to him being critical, or treating me badly or being mean - he never was, i can count on one hand all the times in our relationship he raised his voice to me, he has never called me a name (though i have called him many). but when you're aware that the things that make you you are not the things your partner admires its hard to carry on liking yourself. I was outgoing, he wanted me at home. I was into music and crappy novels and he wanted me to read the broadsheets and watch newsnight. i had a healthy attitude to sex but because he had almost no sexual interest in me, i am now quite disgusted by the thought of sex. it just reminds me of all the times he turned me down and i felt ugly and desperate. the list goes on.
As i said before, i have always worried that actually he clung on to me as i was someone, not because he wanted me. and writing all that down im seeing that i was probably right.
only time will tell.
I can understand that i seem intense, but i think thats just how i'm feeling at the moment. I dont see friendships as all or nothing, hard to believe but i have always had very healthy, normal relationships and friendships i understyand the difference between a close friend who shares your ups and downs and a 'buddy' who i'd meet for coffee and chit chat once a month.
the problem is, i cant even do the buddy thing. if someone invites me out i make my excuses and then distance myself, even if i think they're great.
Its ridiculous bit i dont want to cary on this way, its not the real me and the way i saw it is the first step to fixing myself was to leave the relationship. I was already feeling stronger and more like my old self so i think it was definitely the right thing.
But now this, the pregnancy, its just made everything feel that much scarier and harder to be brave and to be on my own.
I guess that's the real crux now, i could go back which i dont want and have the baby, which i'd love. Or stay as I am , which i want, but i dont think i can have this baby.

I just finished typing and thought to myself - 'why on earth are you explaining all this to complete strangers, they have better things to do'? but i think its actually helped me to get it all down.
I dont think there is much more to say, but thank you all again x

OP posts:
FleurDeLeeds · 14/09/2008 21:11

Aaaargh - im so up and down. wish i could think more clearly but no path seems to be right.
Keep reading flights post and thinking maybe i can do it, but i need to find a bit of balance to think clearly just to get it straight in my head.

OP posts:
mabanana · 14/09/2008 22:16

I think you are right to see this as controlling behaviour and I think it will be helpful to see it written down, as you say. I don't think you need to agonize about these friendships, just resolve that the next time you see a potential mate you will accept any invitation or issue one yourself. One step at a time. It sounds veyr much to me as if you don't want a termination. You can have a baby without being with the father, though I am sure it will be very hard at first. HOw do you feel viscerally about termination at the moment?

solidgoldbrass · 14/09/2008 22:35

Sorry but your X was/is a complete shit. NOT a good person, NOT a good father - FFS would you like that level of control and guilt-tripping laid on your DD when she gets into her teens? 'Don't go out, DD, bad scary stuff happens when you go out, whatever you are doing is wrong, you are stupid and worthless unless you obey...'
There are far worse things than to have a baby on your own. Bringing a baby into a house with a man who thinks women and children are property is one of those things its better not to do. It's up to you whether you want to continue your pregnancy, but I think that if your pregnancy results in a baby then that baby will be better off living with you than living with you and a man who thinks he owns it and it had better behave according to what he thinks it ought to do.

arewenearlythereyet · 14/09/2008 22:47

have been in a similar situation, the baby is now nearly 3, he's lovely and I love him to bits, but Iwould not wish the last 3 years on anyone. If I were totally honest (and have considered name change here) with hindsight, I wish I hadn't had the baby. am single mum, doing ok, but having the baby has made it so so much harder. If you can face not having the baby, and think thats waht you want to do, you have very good reasons to do so.

the end of a relationship is always hard and I still miss the babys father after 18months but deep down know that i did the right thing. chin up and go talk to someone, GP, counsellor, family planning nurse, just someone who is not going to judge or take sides. x

cantseemyfeet · 14/09/2008 23:30

Hi FDL,

So sorry your having a tough time of it at the moment.

I don't have any words of wisdom really, just wanted to say that I have been on my own since split with exp while I was pregnant with DS3. It wasn't easy but it is a lot easier than I imagined it would be. I have the added bonus of having family about but at the end of the day when they go home its just me and the kids, and as much as ex would of loved to come back I would never let him. It was broken and a baby couldn't fix it. You sound like you want to have this baby, don't make any decisions yet. With or without a partner you will manage, thousands of us do it but it is your decision at the end of the day.
You sound like you desperately need to talk to someone about this. Even if it is a doctor it will make you feel better to get it of your chest.

Take care of yourself and please don't do anything rash. Have a long think about what you really want then make a decision.

Good luck

arewenearlythereyet · 14/09/2008 23:33

FDL how old is your first child?

MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 07:44

Yes, you can do it. It will work out whatever you do, because it has to and there is no simple answer - each path takes you somewhere you'll have a few things to deal with but one is far sadder imo...though I can't tell you what is best for you!

(am flight btw)

I did feel exactly like you describe...like NO decision was the right one, I had no opinion almost, I was in a whirl and everything seemed intractable and utterly confusing.

People were saying 'don't have the baby, it'll be bad for you, for your son, for all of us -we'll have to support you' and if they didn't say it, they implied it. And worst of all I knew they were right - and I hated taking their support.

But it was Ok in the end. My parents do love my second child and I manage looking after them both without any more intervention or support than I had before. In fact, it seemed that as soon as I had made the decision, it gave me new strength as a parent - I somehow felt as though my lifenow was mapped out, I was actually a proper mother for the first time (strange!) and everything else had to make way for the new priorities which were my children.

It felt like a proper job rather than a hobby / mistake / accident iyswim!!

Suddenly I felt like a mother and I would have done anything for my little ones. It was a really positive thing.

But initially when the option of abortion was still there, I seriously had no idea what I ought to do or what I should do. I didn't have a clue how to make a decision like that under so much pressure.

In the end I gave up trying, and let my heart rule my head - I rationalised that my body was geared up to protect the tiny thing in it, and who the hell was I (or anyone else) to stick a spanner in the works and stop that whole project that was going on.

It felt intrinsically wrong. My instinct was to do nothing though, not to kill the baby, not to get on the train to have the abortion, not to talk to 'detractors'.
I just let nature decide and rolled with it!

You could even view it as though there is no option. once conception has taken place there isn't really any reason why you should be forced then to take the decision of whether to destroy what is there or let it continue to grow. I think since the advent of abortion as a common thing, people kind of assume that you still have the responsibility (or choice, if you like) about whether you do it or not.

To my mind it was pretty much a fait accompli I suppose.

I don't know if any of that helps but I hope you are feeling Ok this morning xx

MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 07:52

Also...despite initially having lots of love for the baby - during the first few weeks of pg - once I left my ex, I did feel pretty low about everything. Like once I had decided he was too horrid to be with, how could I love his child?
And in that respect, I did feel very unhappy during the pregnancy, I couldn't look at scan pictures, didn't want to buy anything - but towards the end I found a glimmer of hope that I might be able to love the baby again. I suppose I thought of it as something nobody else wanted, and felt desperately sorry for it, and then that turned into love and once he was born, I was overpowered by a passion for him that I had not even experienced for ds1.

I feel an extremely strong connection with him now (he is 15mo) and I dont see that ever changing. Which is odd, as i loved ds1's father very much, but find myself less able to relate to ds1 in a lot of ways!

Sorry am rambling now. Just so you can see different possibilities for how it might work.

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