DW "snogged" her best guy friend(Long story)

[Kloth]

First time here and very hopeful for some perspective. I could ask fellow friends about this but need an anonymous view point. First off, I'm an American so my language is not quite "British".

My DW of two years snogged as you guys say, her best guy friend. She did tell me herself(we agreed that should we ever begin to cheat or cheat we'd tell the other). She didn't tell me for maybe a week or two after, but she did tell me. She admitted that she is in attracted(strong emotion/love) with this guy months after they first met. I thought she had enough strength to hold back from temptation, I just wasn't going to be the guy who demanded my spouse not have guy friends out of jealously. I also know that he also find my DW absolutely his type and is also very attracted to her.

The back-story is that he has been friends with my DW for 3 years and he was moving to a different town for college. She was very sad and in the past my DW and I had to resolve that she had love interest in him. I have absolute trust in her and told her so. She asked me if it was alright if she kissed him at his going away party. I think a part of me was thinking "lips" only and so I said yes it was fine. I was thinking cheek, head, lips...something a little less intimate. The kiss I found was heavy on the tongue. In one conversation, she let slip (as if it was no big deal, though I suspect chagrin) that it wasn't the first time. That left me startled, but I had said yes, so what was I to do? I've not confronted the issue of the kiss nor the supposed other times.

Now, they are on unfriendly terms only weeks later because when he visited town he ignored my DW's meet and greet over coffee and that she was sick of his broken promises to meet her and other lies that somehow cropped up the same week.

So now I've completely avoided the subject but she keeps mentioning the guy and how sad(crying involved) she is over his refusal to contact her(my DW). She is also completely taken/confused at my utterly caring concern for her happiness and well being in the face of crying over another guy. He also returned(yesterday) his recent birthday gift and barrowed items which again, devastated her.

More info is I've been on midnight shifts the last several months and she has been lonely with such a narrow time to see me after her work and me leaving for mine, and that I'm not there in bed with her when she sleeps. To find comfort and keep her company a couple friends began coming over while I was at work. the guy friend was one of them. He was hanging out with her at my home the last two-three months at a significantly increased rate due to this. Twice or thrice a week from once a month. Apparently he was also telling my DW how he'll miss her and where will he find someone like her to replace her in his life.

The week before the Kiss I had made a judgment error that week and didn't get enough sleep (playing computer games too much after getting home from work in the morning) early enough throughout the week, so basically slept through the time she was home from work and the time before I go to work. She was very upset at this because she felt I would rather play games than spend the limited time we had in the evening with her.

I definitely know she feels guilty and really wishes I would yell at her... One time we pondered what our reactions would be to cheating and I told her I would just go cold...apparently that has happened. Since finding out there was tongue involved last week we've not had intimate relations. Although, I've gone about daily life with her as usual. And every time I kiss her I think of THE kiss which sucks because I'm fond of kissing her to the point that she'll push me away.

The hardest part is that we are about to buy a house. And she was giving me a ton of grief over the week I overslept and that maybe we shouldn't get a house after all. So...now I've gone from trusting my wife completely(still trust her because she told me.) to wondering how unfaithful she has been, because one sign of cheating I've read was finding reasons to be upset at your spouse. And normally, we are amazingly golden. This is crazy because we are the couple other people say are like a fairy tale.

Now, with all this known to you. What do you think caused it? Loneliness? Feelings of abandonment? Being seduced by the good guy friend who said all the right things to make her feel good? Was it a cry to get attention? How should I feel. I know she is neurotic and does feel adequate at times?

You are asking how you should feel? Seriously?

Don't buy the house any time soon. You need time to come to terms with her behaviour and to understand whether you have gone cold permanently or whether you are actually furious.

It does sound like your wife has had an affair with this guy.

I agree with everyone! Does sound like an affair (sorry!) and he's backed off. I also think she's testing the boundaries of the relationship - she quite rightfully thinks surely noone can be that trusting.

I think you've been very naive - did you really think she was asking permission for a chaste kiss on the cheek or even lips?

Totally repeating others here, but get off the computer and fight for your woman ..... if you want to. If you don't see why you should, you're with the wrong girl!

Kloh who knows why it happened. They obviously have feelings for each other. In my opinion the line has been crossed between them and they will not be able to have a plutonic relationship again.

So its decision time for your wife. She has to cut all connection with this person to save your relationship, if she can't do that then surely that tells you something.

She is emotionally caught up at the moment, hence the crying etc. She has also in effect split up from her other man so there will be a period of grief that comes with any loss.

However, I do feel she has been unfair to you by asking your permission to kiss another man. If there was no initial intention/feelings there then why would she feel like she had to ask? She was looking for an excuse!

Don't blame yourself, I think you need to ask your wife what made her do it. Was it just curiosity mixed with chemistry etc. Its time for a serious heart to heart! There is a history between your wife and this man, remember that.

To save your relationship your wife and you needs to agree to put all your energy and thoughts into your marriage.

Maybe she has ended the affair to be with you, now he pissed off and won't speak to her, you seem not to care less and shes disappointed at her choice, i'm so sorry if this sounds harsh. you say you trust her but she doesn't deserve your trust she has broken it maybe what she really wants is for you to shout and scream at her just so she knows you care.

I know you probably think your doing the right thing by being so understand but i really think she will lose respect for you. If my Dh behaved how you are in the circumstance i would think he didn't give a sh*t.

Alot of people get tempted sometimes but the thing that stops us from straying is the fear of the impact it would have on our relationships or the hurt it would do to our partner. If there is neither of these there then whats to stop her doing it again. I would want to punch someones lights out if they kissed my Dh. If shes had an affair then you can get over it if thats what you want but you it won't just go away so its no good ignoring it, why has she fallen in love with someone else it has to be because there something wrong with your relationship so you'll have to put that right. Its a good sign that she hasn't left you to be with this person but you'll have to work a bit harder, i'd start by having a massive argument or giving her a n ultimatum all sorts of stuff will come out and then you can start to fix it from there.
Good luck, IMO you sound as if she doesn't deserve you but speaking as a woman we don't really like pushovers we tend to like a bit of fire.

I'm sorry if this sounds blunt, but here goes, if she was giving him tongue kisses in front of a room full of people, I suspect that more would be going on when they were alone in the house.

As someone else said, you have every right to be angry about this, don't let her put a reverse psychology guilt trip on you when you've done nothing wrong. She has betrayed your trust and if you want to have a relationship with this woman she has GOT to know that this is unacceptable and that you won't stand for it.

I wouldn't enter into any contracts with her at the moment until she has proved you can trust her.

Sorry this has happened to you, you sound like a nice reasonable fellow. It's you that deserves a shoulder to cry on

I agree with those who've said that you need to fight for your relationship.

If my husband didn't appear remotely upset by my snogging someone else, I'd think I wasn't cared for. And I'd push and push and push until finally he cracked and got angry, showing me he cared.

Don't think that tolerance and caring are the same thing. To show you care, sometimes you have to be intolerant - of cheating, stupid behaviour like your DW's.

Yes, it sounds like she's mourning the end of her relationship. She may also be mourning the end of someone who listens to her, has time for her, wants her and makes her feel like a Woman.

You can do all of these things, but it's going to be hard work - and you're going to have to really be a Man. Not a neanderthal, but for god's sake, GET SOME NUTS!

Just to add - sorry, didn't mean to make it sound like it's your fault. It's hers. So your marriage is going through a boring patch. It will. You don't just stick your tongue down the first person's throat when that happens.

Her behaviour is appalling, and a bit like a child who's behaviour is appalling, you need to show her that it's not on. By showing her how you feel, by expecting some self-respect and treating her well when she's being good!

Ah, specialmagiclasy, I wanted to say 'grow a pair' but thought it was a bit harsh!

kloth, don't think I'm critisising, I really feel for you. But it soundds like you've got a bit lazy - you sit on the computer playing games (probably not all the time, I realise that), you give in to a request to kiss another man, you sit back and let this realtionship develop when you know they have feelings for each other, and now you're even asking us how you should be feeling!

I think this whole thing is the kick up the bum you need, and as I said before, if you don't think you should have to fight, then don't , but don't expect it not to happen again, and don't expect her to stay with you forever!

Sorry

specialmagiclady, even!

A Freudian slip...

Quite! I like that it looks like classy and sounds like lazy!

Oh FFS show her how much you care - go mad and whatever you do do not tell your spouse that you are happy for them to kiss another man - you have given her the go ahead to break your heart IMO and you need to show some heightened emotions to make her reaise how much you love her.

Mind you - I agree with Batters and think more to it went on than a going away kiss as otherwise why is she so eaten up over this man - she is taking you for a bit of a fool isn't she????

If I were in your shoes, I'd be furious and very hurt. Where's your understandable anger and where's her guilt?

You seem very passive, too nice and far too understanding of what you call her 'neurosises' (if that's what we're calling being unfaithful these days) - do you think you're not worthy of her, to tolerate being walked over & treated so shabbily? Whether they've done the dirty deed or not, her emotions are with another man, and it says much that she goes to YOU for comfort. She either thinks you'll always be there to pick her up (as a friend or loyal companion, not lover) or in a destructive & cruel way she's forcing you to make a stand & what, end the marriage?

To coin an American phrase, she needs a 'reality check' and she ought to feel guilty & damned apologetic & you need to start beating your chest. If she's not sorry, I don't think you've got much of a marriage worth saving and you deserve better. Sorry

If this were a woman OP, you'd all be saying GET OUT NOW HE IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED.

Kloth, this must really hurt! It seems to me you are not allowing yourself to feel the hurt and the anger which would be the natural reactions to have. This is no good for your health. Don't block your true feelings because you think it is 'modern' to not show jealousy and 'liberated' to let your DW do what she likes with whatever man.

When you make a commitment to each other, spoken or unspoken, you are committing to connect emotionally exclusively to each other and then you can feel stable and secure that that person is there for you and can relax. I know there are people who want to sound modern who say bollocks, if a couple wants to have an open relationship that is fine, but I believe this is unnatural and it proves it when people get hurt by this kind of thing. You might think you can do the 'liberated' thing but then you get hurt and realise you can't.

Your DW has broken your trust and it hurts. Not only that but she hasn't even spared you the pain by keeping it secret from you, she has told you details and expected you to help her with it! I think this is really insensitive/selfish of her and shows a lack of respect for you and your feelings.

I understand why people do this sort of thing because I have done it myself and you would probably describe me as neurotic as well. I know that I did wrong. I think people do it because something from their pasts has made them feel unimportant and unwanted and caused them to have low self esteem. Sometimes it feels like you can 'never get enough' attention to feel good about yourself if you are having a low confidence time. If you have been together a long time and start feeling taken for granted it is also like searching for proof that you are still attractive and loveable.

She needs to realise that the people who matter are the ones that want her for HER, not just for sex. I'm sure you have proved that you want her for who she really is by staying with her and through bad patches as well, but she might not see this at the moment. I saw this about my DH after getting hurt by a man, realising it was mainly about sex and that I was searching for something (a gap in myself) in the wrong way, where I was never going to find what I needed, and talking about it among all my other crap in therapy sessions.

I think your DW needs to know that what she did was unacceptable and that you don't want to put up with this sort of thing in the future and that you love her and want her and will do things to make her feel loved and wanted and attractive. I'm sad for you that you are not dealing with your hurt and anger though, just burying it, and it would be good if you could find a way to release it so that it doesn't start coming out, or making you ill, later on. Like someone else said, you sound like a nice person. Good luck.

Dittany ... who do you really think has showed the real disrespect to whom in this instance? For goodness sake ...

Info: The other guy is also poisoning my DW's and his mutual friend(he was in fact dating her on the kiss day) by informing that friend about the kiss making her dislike and distrust my DW using the context of honesty and forthrightness to take hurt my DW(at least my DW thinks that). I actually told my DW that was wrong and now...I'm realizing it is kind of like indirect punishment.

Jasper, we are both 26.

I will be asking if they had sex, but am 99% certain it hasn't. It was certainly an emotional affair... And you guys/gals are right. I tried this morning to tell her I wanted to talk about this when she got home and I just couldn't muster it. I'm upset and confronting it WILL make it hurt and I just don't want it. And now I'm realizing exactly what she is putting me through.

The house is 4-6 months down the road before we close. So there is time to determine our relationships course.

TheHedgeWitch, yes definetly a lost friend at the very least.

Lulu, I definetly want to continue...there is no one like her who makes me as happy.(except right now.)

Themildmanneredstalker, I do get jelous but I curb it...maybe I shouldn't have. Cadedly...I'm certain she wants me to be more dominating. It's ironic, she wants me to be stronger but when I am she argues like a champ and she's quicker on the wit so I've just learned to let things go it seems. Obviously I'm not letting this go. As to the "permission," I'm an idiot. I had a flash of misgivings and didn't speak up.

Cappuccino, no kids.

Masalachemeleon, I do spend a lot of time on my computer. She has mentioned it. I do spend a lot of time with her too, just probably not as much time as I spend on myself.

zwiggy, it is funny, I'll get furious at a game but I don't get that way at people. I get...rational...literal...and quiet. Self esteem...you may be correct on that front. I know she certainly needs it. zwiggy, that wasn't straight laced at all, just common sense... I'm being blinded by my love.

Upwind, I'm asking because I'm conflicted. I feel strongly about forgiveness, but also realize that I should be through the roof too.

Songbird, your right...definetly naive.

Cupcake78, I'm going to tell her that she can not communicate with the other guy anymore. Not even one way if he talks to her. I realize I'm justified and could have done so two years ago, although I still wouldn't have even knowing this now. It's odd, the first thing I did actually think was, what did I do to cause this?

ithinkimtallandblond, I've just not confronted it because I don't want to accept the pain...and I'm going to have to and also make her take that burdon upon herself.

Carnival, at my home the last night he was there before leaving town for a different college.

specialmagiclady, I will be showing her how much I'm intolerant of this, especially that she ever asked me for permission! Go ahead, bust my balls...I'm glad someone here is doing it. The point was to get some perspective as I said. I'm stuck in a muddle of confusion. This event was utterly incomprehensible to me previously.

Songbird, no I shouldn't have to fight neccessarily...at least not from my own DW... I mean, when I want something from her I tell her... If she was telling me...it better not have been that damnable "women's hinting". UGH! I'll have her tell me straight out what she wants when we talk about this.

dittany, OTHER people tell us the fairy tale thing... And the pushing away, maybe a little disrespectful but seriously, am I not allowed my own way of showing my attachment to her? And yes I can tell her my concerns and what I want. It's going to hurt but I will.

Heated, Neurosis is what she self identifies herself with when she's being nutty and knows it. Yea, I agree. I felt secondary when she came to me over him... I was like seriously? WTF. THAT was when I should have opened up the conversation but I just retreated mentally and started blaiming myself.

ActingNormal, As to telling me the details, we promised eachother to do that should we begin to cheat or do so. I should have taken the initiative when she first told me years ago of the attraction. I've been attracted to other women but I don't pursue the thing that creates the attraction...I figured she could do the same. And your right about the wanting her for who she is and not sex. There have been signs of what she wanted...but she can be confusing...I try to begin lovemaking and get turned down often...yet she expects me to maintain the same effort at begining it even after repeatedly leaving me hanging(or not.).

Thanks everyone so far for your thoughts. The goal of this for me was to hear from others and galvanize my own understanding of my feelings by talking about them.

when you hurt you have to go through several steps of emotion, anger is just one of those steps, if you really want to forgive and trust and find a resolution to this, you have to go through anger - that is the rational thing to do.

blinded by love? being in love should make you feel great about yourself. Are you sure you are not blinded by fear? which is also very normal in a committed relationship.

If she just wanted to get off with this guy she wouldn't have told you anything. I think she is trying to find out how she feels in this relationship.

Her behaviour is unacceptable and grossly inconvenient. Hit the roof!

Well, you sound like you have more perspective on it now, I really hope you work up the nerve to have it out - it really can't be easy! It sounds like things have been brewing and escalating for a while (months? years?), which makes it even harder to finally do somehting about it.

Good Luck! Let us know how you get on

well, kudos for you for addressing every point raised hope things work out for you

you sound like a lovely man.
YOU AND your wife have lots going for you.

She was a little bit in love with her male friend.
he felt the same but saw sense ONLY JUST IN TIME!
all credit to him

ther is nothing wrong with falling in love with others when married. It's what you do about it that matters.

What did the other guy do? He backed off. All credit to him

your wife understandibly feeels rejected and hurt but has turned to the wrong person ( you) to express this.
hey ho that does not make her bad, just a little naive.

you two sound like a sttrog team.

Every good wish and blessing to you.

This is far from being a deal breaker.

reading this thread a little belatedly but it strikes me that its possible that your DW had a crush on this friend but he did not feel the same way. So she chased him a bit and he tried to hold her at arm's length (e.g. turning down as many invitations as he could) but finally she snogged him at his going away party. He is unhappy and complains to his GF, who is understandably annoyed with your DW, but your DW doesn't want to see it as one sided. Then he comes back and is more determined than before to stop your DW from chasing him, so he gives her back her stuff and refuses to go to the get together she's arranged.

Maybe it was just a school girl type crush founded on nothing or maybe they did have a brief affair/ one night stand some time before. It definitely sounds like he doesn't want to know though and your DW is having trouble accepting that. You might even find that she exaggerated the snog to you, hoping that somehow it would trigger something between you and force her to go to him for help.

Your marriage does sound like it is in trouble and you really should go for counselling. Luckily the other man is not interested so you have a clear field to sort out your problems, as long as your DW mentally wants that too.