more mils moans............advice please!!!!!!!!

[Portly]

I know everyone seems to moan about mils but this one has just left me sitting here in a blub of tears.I wonder if I am being a mad person or is she going through mid-life crisis?? Thank God she lives 400 miles away so visits are not frequent but is staying at the mo and seems to think she should have sole charge of Dd for the duration of her stay. Today she told me how disrepectful it was of me to go to my ante-natal group yesterday (was only out of the house 2 hours) as I didnt ask her - dh had taken the day off work and took her out for lunch while I was out so she wasnt sat at home alone. She got upset I was breastfeeding dd (only 2 months) and seemed to think I should put her on formula for her benefit ( nothing wrong with formula but as we are getting on ok with bf I want to stay doing it as long as poss.)SHe cuddled dd most of the day, I got my stuff done like hoovering, anyway, now she has gone out with dd in the snow and didnt want me to go - says she is only here to see dd not me or my dh, has bombarded dd with gifts and bought almost everything without asking us what we wanted. I know it is first grandchild but I am hardly denying her contact, infact even after a bath baby smelled of her perfume. She is so overpowering, I begin to wonder who actually had the baby?? Please any advice anyone can, even if you tell me to get a life and dont be so neurotic!!!

This sounds really tiresome. She sounds very insecure.

I think your best response is to do your best to stay calm, enjoy having time off, and count down until her departure.

Does your DH understand how annoying this is? Can you complain to him about it, to let off stress? It makes a big difference when you have someone in the house who understands.

I would be cross but as MIL doesnt see our boys it isnt a problem. As yours lives so far away then make the most of her and enjoy yourself. Go and have your hair done or a manicure and leave dd with her. Try expressing some milk so mil can feed her. What the hell is she on about putting her onto formula?/ Silly cow.

Also, if presents came with tags, take them back and get store credit and spend it on yourself! That is what I did. She will be gone soon and then you will have dd back.

(I wish my mum was like this sometimes...I feel embarrassed asking her to have my boys as she sighs a lot as tho they are a burden )

It does seem that it's all or nothing with MIl's doesnt it?

She sounds very overbearing and you are not being neurotic. WTF does she mean about you being disrepectful by going out and not asking her permission.?! I'd be furious if I were you.

It's difficult for you cause you'll have load of hormones still raging around, but I'd tell dh how you feel and maybe get him to have a quiet word with her.

Take comfort in the fact that she lives 400 miles away

I know exactly what you mean My ds is also 1st grandchild on dh's side and my mil bought practically everythign for ds before he was born. I felt so ungrateful but I couldn't help thinking 'but I wanted to pick a cot mobile' etc etc. You just have to grin and bear it unfortunately

from her point of view, it is her first grandchild and she lives so far away she is not really going to get much time with her GD and so must have spent hours looking forward to her time with her... sure she is just not being anything other than over-doting... I have to say when I had my first I loved it when mum and dad took DS/DD out on their own as I felt it was important they bonded without me in middle...

my MIL who I love was surprised I bf and said she had been looking forward to feeding baby wih bottle as she had her own... again maybe that is where your MIL is coming from...

sorry hope I am not beng too reasonable here !!

I think it's very difficult to see your gorgeous baby with someone else, especially if it's your first and you don't particularly like that person. I know I couldn't bear seeing my mil with ds1 for anything more than the briefest of cuddles but by the time ds2 had come along I was more than happy to have time to myself and let her get on with it.

Also it's tricky when people make comments about how you do things when you're only just getting to grips with being a parent yourself. Try and learn not to pay too much attention, and just carry on doing it your way.

I'm sure it will get better with time and when your mil has settled down into her new role as grandmother. I get on much much better now with my mil, and my parents, than I ever did before having children, and we didn't have the greatest start either.

In the meantime, console yourself with the fact that your dd is yours and always will be and very soon your mil will be 400 miles away again.

The only issues I would have are with her stupid comments re the BF and the ante natal meeting. Point out to her that when she is gone home you will need your girl support network, so it makes perfect sense to go.

Bit weird that she wasn't happy to go to lunch with her son.

What does your DH think of all of this ??

God she must be driving you daft. I'm planning my wedding at the moment and my MIL is insisting on making our wedding cake I am quite brazen and told her in front of DP that I would send her a picture of the one I wanted and If it was too much trouble I would just buy one! She couldn't say anything to that and that is generally how I deal with her.

Why not try that kind of approach give her two options both of which you would be happy with and let her decide what she prefers then that way you both win.

Take care not to let her afeect your relationship with DH!!!!!

Thanks for all your kind words, just got back in and cant believe how many replies there are!!! Had to go to the dr for my postnatal appt - took baby with me much to mil's disappointment and of course dd was scooped out of the pram to be cuddled to sleep before I even had my coat off! Dd has been asleep all day more or less so I am preparing myself for a hellish night of wakefulness - perhaps mil would come in handy then??(I think not)
thanks again everyone xx