I think my marriage is in serious trouble

[Bouj]

Haven't changed my name for this, as being me, in real life I would tell you my life story in 20 seconds (if you stood still long enough), so here goes. DH, ds and I moved to Australia (I'm Australian) in October. We've been staying with my parents, which has been a great help. DH has yet to get a job, and increasingly frustrated/angry/unapproachable about it... To top it off, I have PND, and am battling it somewhat on my own. I am too proud to ask my parents for help (don't ask..) and DH bluntly told me that he can't deal with it, so I had to sort it out on my own... In a way, I appreciated his honesty, but as I get better, I feel myself drifting from him. I feel somewhat abandoned by him, in a major time of need. I know he is also having his own crisis, but to put is simply, I had the problems in my marriage and my PND to work on, with only one winner... And I chose me... God knows what will happen, somedays I am sure it is over, and am mildy relieved, somedays I know we'll make it. Anyway, I have been meaning to post this problem to you all, but have held off. I don't mean to be over dramatic, but there are some people with a lot worse to deal with... I'll be sure to update you on what happens next - be it a divorce or another baby!! (I can only do one extreme to the other )

Aww hun huge hug it is a hard decision to make but by working on yourself you will also be doing whta is best for your ds. I have been suffering severe depression since my ds was born but luckily my dh has tried to be supportive although he does find it difficult and can be more of a hinderance sometimes...i too am also another who doe sone extreme to another in one breath i am telling him to leave and in the next we are ttc again..but i think a lot of that is the depression and feeling insecure about urself..ur dh telling u he cant deal is him being honest but you could then point out what would help u..difficult aswell as sometimes we dont know what we want...sorry am rambling
Take care and kepe us updated

Thanks, I appreciate it... I know a huge part of the disease is the paranoia, lack of trust, etc... which makes it hard to think rationally. Also our current situation (he is living with his in-laws!) is less than desirable. Perhaps, in this instance, I will have to take it slowly rather than make rash decisions!!

Hi Bouj, sorry you are going through such a tough time. It's so difficult when both partners are going through a personal crisis at the same time. I really do understand that you are deeply hurt by his lack of support. Maybe he feels the same. When both partners need support, sometimes they both fall down

At least you have been able to talk to each other and no one is pretending there isn't a problem. Please try not to allow yourself to drift. We often believe that both partners have to give to a marriage 50:50, the real truth is that we all have to give 100% to make sure things will be okay.

What you both need is some outside support to help you until you both recover enough to support each other. I accept what you say about your paretns, but isn't there someone else who can help? Have you approached your doctor? He or she may be able to refer you to a counsellor or point you in the direction of some kind of body of support to listen to you and help you feel you are not alone.

Have you friends nearby, or relatives other than your parents who might be understanding? Sometimes it isn't that anyone can come along and solve all our problems for us but just simply feeling that someone has listened and understood our troubles.

sounds like he is suffering depression as well - and probably a crisis of confidence as well. He is prbably also suffering a bit of culture shock.

Maybe you both need outside help - is there a counselling service you can try ?

You really need to get some time to yourselves, and talk through what is happening to both of you and how you can help each other through it. Be nice to each other - the alternatives are much worse !

Bouj

So sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. Maybe you are just not through your pnd yet so the marriage bit seems hopeless? I hope so for all of your sakes.

Have you confided in your Mum about this? I know you said don't ask but it really might help. Please keep us updated, I hate to think of you so far away and having a mare.

xxxx

It sounds like you are both under a severe amount of stress, what with moving etc.
It really isn't surprising that your marriage is taking the strain.

Re PND,many men find it impossible to understand and haven't a clue how they can help.
It may be useful for him to take a look at some websites, and read what other men have said about pnd. I was recently directed (by a man) to this one... www.pnisha.org.uk.

I believe there is a huge research study ongoing in Australia,(beyondblue I think - google it?) so there must be some help available for both of you.

I think you are going through a difficult time, and wish your parents could be more supportive.

If I were you I would try and stick with it if you think in any way it can be salvaged.
Best wishes.

Now I am crying. Thanks all. I think we are in need of marriage counselling (there is all sorts of wild thoughts in my head, and i am not sure if they are a reaction, or the truth). It sucks, and its hard, but part of me thinks 'I bloody well stood up there and said, for better or for worse, and here is the worst'. I do love him, its just hard to see that sometimes. Thanks CD, am dissapointed we never got to get together for a drink again!!

Good for you Bouj, for gritting your teeth when your marriage faces problems. People sometimes give up too easily when their marriage can be fixed.

Don't forget that marriage guidance isn't just for failing marriages. It's also to help good marriages become stronger.

It sounds like you have had some major changes in your life recently. Both of your stress levels are high. I bet you both expected your move back to Australia to go more smoothly than it has. Is your husband english? I bet he finds the move and the way of life difficult to get used to. You are living with your parents, that must be stressful if he feels he cant provide for you, his self esteem is probably pretty low at the moment. It is very hard to deal with other peoples problems (even your partners) when you cant deal with your own.
I dont think i ever had PND, but definetly had the 'blues' after DS was born, it was related to a move to the suburbs after livning central London most of my adult life.
How old is your DS?
Where abouts in Australia are you?
I am sure your DH will find a job soon. What does he do.?
My experience is that it is quite hard to find good jobs over the summer in Australia.
Your marriage is probably not over, but you do have a lot of stressors in your life at the moment.

And Bouj, I certainly have much more admiration for people who seek counselling when they need it than those who insist they don't need it and go on suffering and making other people unhappy. Counselling is positive and strengthening, go for it!

Ok, feeling braver. Some truths: On New Years Eve, at a party with some friends (some we hadn't seen since our wedding) after much wine by all, he called me into the bathroom, pushed me against the wall and held my throat. He said I was a slut, an embarrassment, and a bad mother (by far the most hurtful). As drunk as I was, I remember clearly thinking that I must talk him out of hurting me further. He has never (absolutely never) raised a hand to me, but I have on several occasions over the years felt it was a possibility. We had a major talk the next day when a lot of his anxieties, and fears came out, but to be honest, I felt so far removed from the situation, I couldn't communicate. Since then, I have felt my self fearful of him, but also empty towards him. My mother is at this moment asking what I am typing and I am lying. I am tired of making excuses, but don't want to put my ds through it. God, I don't know... but I am ok, just tired and drinking red wine. Thanks all.

Well that is quite serious then. Was he drunk too. ( not an excuse)
Sounds like he needs some help and soon. THis could happen again.
Marriage might not be over, but both you will need to want to save it and do the work involved.

Thanks cori... he was drunk (exactly, no excuse) and much needs to change, but my concern is that I am tired of fighting, tired of battling his anger and judgement of me, when I can't for the life of me work out why. The whole PND thing has made me realise that I should be nicer to me, and perhaps, sometimes, he isn't. I am off to bed now (is 10:20pm in Brisbane) as I am working tomorrow (though MUCH easier than dealing with a 22 month old boy!!) thanks all, as ever, and I will undoubtedly be here again at work tomorrow (when you are all asleep )

Poor you, Bouj. It sounds like you DH has reached the end of his tether. Please try to save your marriage. The fallout with the children is extensive (I know, I split with DDS' father when they were 1 and 4. Much as I tried to make sure they would grow up happy, they have both had problems. I had no choice; their father insisted on the break-up and threw me out.

Sometimes it is right to break up, don't get me wrong. But you could never forgive yourself if you didn't make every effort first. Please go ahead with the counselling and be completely honest when you do.

If it's any consolation, my wonderful DH had fits of temper when he was nearing a breakdown and displayed violent behaviour he would never normally dream of. He is in therapy now and is discovering all sorts of memories from his childhood that are helping him move on and find his true self.

Those who are willing to accept help with their mental/emotional/spiritual side come out stronger and wiser and more able to handle theirselves than others, IME.

Thanks Anorak. My earlier childish opinion was that if a man raised a hand to me, you wouldn't see me for dust. Now I know it's not that easy. And thank you for saying it can be a one off thing, rather than a downward spiral. I will go to sleep (now, I think!) and think about it some more. As always, you lot have been fab. Have a nice, cold, crisp British day, believe me, I miss them!!

We are, Bouj, it's snowing.

Sleep tight. I'll look out in case you want to chat more tomorrow. xxx

How are you Bouj?

Well some good news - DH has a job!! A rather fantastic one (of all the ones that were a possiblity, this was the last on the list, but the one he wanted the most!) and I am so relieved. He surpised me by asking if I wanted a drink after ds went to bed (that is not the suprising bit!) I mumbled yes please and he brought out a bottle of Moet! I had not a clue why (same thing when he proposed - perhaps I'm not as clued up as I think I am!) He told me about the job, and I sobbed. It was one of those things that you don't realise how upset something is making you until its not anymore.
But thank you all so much for your wonderful, wise words. They are exactly what I needed to hear, and perhaps I never felt comfortable with it being over, I was just testing the possiblitly of it... CD and Pamina, thank you - am eternally grateful. Pamina, did I read correctly that you're pregnant?!? Crikey, you drop off the radar for a couple of months!!! Hope all are well. I will let you know when the house, big garden, new baby, etc plans eventuate!! xoxo

That's wonderful news! I am sure when dh settles down he will realise how hard things have been for you too and give you a bit more support. Good luck with everything

anybody out there to help. Havin a really tuff time lately got 3 kids oldest 18 13 and 2and a half thought i had it all great bloke fab house untill xmas and someone or something pulled the rug out from me. My partner acussed me of having an affair which is so not true i havnt got the time to go to the toilet let alone have a fancy man,i also work. Things have just gone from crap to crap, we used to be so close. He walked out second week of jan but came back 4 days later,i didnt know weather to kill him or kiss him, sex is none exisistant. Went to relate on mon was okay but no magic cure someone give me a clue

anybody out there to help. Havin a really tuff time lately got 3 kids oldest 18 13 and 2and a half thought i had it all great bloke fab house untill xmas and someone or something pulled the rug out from me. My partner acussed me of having an affair which is so not true i havnt got the time to go to the toilet let alone have a fancy man,i also work. Things have just gone from crap to crap, we used to be so close. He walked out second week of jan but came back 4 days later,i didnt know weather to kill him or kiss him, sex is none exisistant. Went to relate on mon was okay but no magic cure someone give me a clue

Hi kemp - you still here?
Don't know what to think, but maybe you should start your own thread - I'm sure several MN have talked about being in the same situation as you describe - jealous accusations out of the blue. it sounds great that you have started couselling though.

Has he said why he walked out - or where he went?

hi blu thanks for replying. He never said why he walked but hes a man i rest my case. I poured my heart out the other nite, we went for dinner with freinds and they anounced they were getting engaged. We were due to marry in sep this year had it all booked the fairytale wedding , its all off. I even asked if it was that he said know. When we came home i got so upset my mate just wants the ring her bloke is great treats her like a god she treats him like crap. I love my fella and all i ever wanted was to be his wife i sup you could say its hitting home.He is still no diff with me no affection nothing we havnt slept together for 6wks all ready asked him if there is someone else. Got another counciling on mon gonna see how that goes. Iam a very strong person but carnt take this for much longer.