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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why is it not good to sleep with a partner you are in the process of separating from?

47 replies

WitchesSpell · 09/09/2008 16:58

I know it isn't - but why? Can it really do that much harm? Say if you've got feelings for him, but he hasn't the ones for you but still fancies you?

Where's the harm is having sex?

Wouldn't it give some closure?

Would it do a lot of harm?

Would it give you one last chance to savour the moment before he goes off to pastures new?

Input please

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 09/09/2008 22:34

Well, because if you are the one who is happily moving on it is rather cruel to the other partner as it gives him/her false hope that you might change your mind.
And if you are the one who has been dumped then you will come across as desperate and may well annoy the departing partner as if he/she is a nice person who just happens not to want to be your partner any more he/she will feel bad about 'leading you on' especially if you cry during or immediately after the sex.
If the departing partner is not a nice person he/she will feed his/her ego at your expense and tell everyone how desperate and clingy you are.

This is only remotely a good idea if the separating partners have agreed mutually and happily that their relationship has run its course or will not work as a couple relationship but they still regard each other as good people and friends. IN which case, why not: sex with XPs you are on friendly terms with can be quite fun.

BalloonSlayer · 10/09/2008 09:25

Oh Mary I wasn't intending to imply that you were being weak or the other things you said . . . just that you are so kind! What a vile excuse for a man.

Actually you have reminded me that I did get my exH to sleep with me, for reasons that really were cringeworthy and pathetic. Too to go into details, suffice it to say he couldn't even carry on to the end, perhaps he was worrying what the girlfriend he swore he didn't have would think. [deep humiliation emoticon]

TheHedgeWitch · 10/09/2008 10:54

This reply has been deleted

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TheHedgeWitch · 10/09/2008 10:57

This reply has been deleted

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MaryBS · 10/09/2008 17:23

BalloonSlayer, don't worry, they were my words for me, didn't take what you said the wrong way at all.

I have a LOVELY husband now, still has his faults (what man doesn't?), but I am truly lucky to have him!

HappyWoman · 10/09/2008 17:59

I did when things were bad and i thought he was gone - yes did feel cheap and had little self respect.
But it did make me realise that i could do 'just sex' too and also gave me a sense of power for a short while.

There was ow too and i wanted to know a little about how she felt - i knew he was just wanting sex anyway but i also wanted to know that i could still get him if i wanted.

isheisnthe · 10/09/2008 19:07

i did - and it felt like opening a wound, but to be honet, when he asked again and I said no thanks - thats when the power really crept back in!

beanieb · 10/09/2008 20:52

If you have feelings for him but they are unrequited surely sex would be a bad thing as it would be emotionally damaging?

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 10/09/2008 21:40

I'm sure you're right Beanie but if you are longing for one last time and emotionally masacred anyway...

ToughDaddy · 10/09/2008 23:05

The male perspective on sex CAN be so different. From my observation lots of blokes would continue sleeping with girlfriend/wife if they were on the wrong end of being dumped. That is, they would prolong the physical side even if she was slipping away. Says something about us men, I guess?!

undercovercat · 10/09/2008 23:12

Because it does just prolong the end.
And it also makes you realise what a scumbag your x is, when even he gets a new girlfriend he STILL sleeps with you, while his girlfriend rings and rings and rings and rings..and it doesnt half his stride at all...and you realise you were that fool on the end of the phone once, and it makes you wonder how many times it was you being ignored while he fucked someone else.

beanieb · 11/09/2008 08:18

so you pick up his phone and answer it... right?

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 11/09/2008 11:12

I don't feel like sleeping with him today so that's good I guess.

Dropdeadfred · 11/09/2008 11:21

isheisnthe...i remember your story well...how are you and your ds's doing?

isheisnthe · 11/09/2008 14:10

we are great thanks DDF - ex is still being a nob and surprise - barely sees the boys - but we are happy in our new home and just getting on - new man (not so new any more!) is still just great and the boys love him (he adores them too).

The way my life is now compared to the way it was when I was with him just is a million times better - couldn't see how crap it was until I wasn't there anymore! might find the old thread and update it!

Dropdeadfred · 11/09/2008 14:16

That;s so good to he ishe....I'm really really pleased about how things have worked out for you - I bet your ex is kicking himself at times...

if you feel you can then update the thread...I'm sure it could be inspirational to a few people on MN right now

BigGitDad · 11/09/2008 14:21

isheisnthe, glad to see that things have got so much better for you. I remember following your thread and you handled yourself so well given the stress your ex put you through. Well done and best of luck for the future!

isheisnthe · 11/09/2008 14:24

O i hope he is - he tries to get my attention and reaction by being a dick - latest one was HE went to the CSA (i was thinking baout it) and they REDUCED my maintenance (by about 50 quid) a month as he said his DD's stayed with him (they don't!) - I don't really care to be honest, as as soon as they leave school (not too long now) I will ask the CSA to reassess and it will go up! he's prat but I don't give him ANY reaction anymore - it kills him (and me sometimes as I want to smash his face in - but I smile sweetly and walk away...)

Will find it and update it - would be great if it did help someone

isheisnthe · 11/09/2008 14:44

thanks BGD

Dropdeadfred · 11/09/2008 15:04

don't forget if his dds stay in higher education he may be paying for them until they are nearly 19 though...(that wa sa suprise to my ex...haha)

YoVicko · 13/09/2008 07:43

I think I'm in the same situation as you Whitchespell. DH left a month ago, but comes over v regularly because of DS.

Every other time he's here we end up shagging. He was away this week and kept sending me texts which went from suggestive to downright pornographic. He came over yesterday evening, we had a quick shag, but he still left! He's got someone else.

I hate myself for being so weak but at the end of the day, I want him back (god knows why...).

namechangedtoreply · 14/09/2008 00:16

Well I'm currently five months pregnant, my ex left me nine months ago.
Convinced myself it was only sex but of course went wrong. He wanted me to have an abortion, is not interested and hasn't supported me through my pregnancy.
Don't do it would be my advice.

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